The Do’s and Don’ts of Dressing Sexy
Who's saying what
Remember when you were a kid and you saw Pretty Woman and you were all “So that’s how you dress sexy” but then you grew up and you realised there are ways to look sexy that don’t involve thigh high PVC boots and dresses with cut-outs? Well today I’m here to talk to you about how to dress sexy with style. And if anybody’s qualified to do that it’s me because I totally had sex once, so there. Of course if you want to carry on wearing thigh high PVC boots and dresses with cut-outs that’s totally okay too. Well it’s not really but apparently I have to say it is or the feminists will rally. Damn feminists! Always rallying.
Please note that this advice is for women old enough to dress provocatively. I’m not exactly sure of the legal age for looking hot, but let’s just say if you don’t know what a John Stamos is you need to step away from the computer. Then you need to step back and Google ‘John Stamos’. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
DO show some leg.
DON’T show some vagina.
DO show some boob.
DON’T show some nipple.
DO as a rule show EITHER some leg OR some boob. Of course there are exceptions, but it’s a good base to start from.
DON’T look at me in that tone of voice, young lady.
DO generally adhere to the age-old rule of “less is more” when it comes to perfume, hairspray, and makeup.
DON’T generally adhere to it when it comes to fabric. Or hot chips.
DO feel free to help nature along a bit sometimes.
DON’T forget that there’s nothing less sexy than a bed littered with ripped out hair extensions and streaked in fake tan.
DO watch pornography for a deeper understanding of the subjugation of women through skin flicks. Or if it gives you ladyboners, of course.
DON’T watch pornography for fashion tips.
DO know your own power. If you are dressing provocatively to attract sexual attention, you are likely to attract unwanted attention in the process.
DON’T be afraid to go for the groin if said unwanted attention gets handsy.
DO work out what YOU look - and feel - sexy in. Don’t wear a boob tube and hot pants because your best friend told you they’re sexy.
DON’T have a best friend that tells you a boob tube and hot pants are sexy.
DO believe that there is sexiness in subtlety.
DON’T believe that there is sexiness in a top that says “SEXY”. There’s not.
DO be aware that “sexy” doesn’t have to mean “dressy”. A t-shirt and jeans can be just as boner-inducing as a little black dress.
DON’T hate me for using the term “boner inducing”. There are so many better reasons to hate me.
DO throw on some red lipstick and take your hot self out for the night.
DON’T forget to reapply. There are few things less sexy than worn off red lippy. Or, as I like to call it, blowjob mouth.
DO understand when it is and isn’t appropriate to dress sexy. Here are a few basic guidelines:
At a bar = APPROPRIATE.
At a pre-school = NOT APPROPRIATE.
At a swingers party = APPROPRIATE.
At a funeral = NOT APPROPRIATE (Unless it’s Hugh Heffner’s funeral, any of the founding members of Motley Crüe, or the guy who wrote ‘Dress Sexy At My Funeral’).
DO don a sexy nurse or sexy bunny or sexy suffragette outfit for Halloween.
DO wear sexy underwear whenever and wherever the hell you want. Hell, wear no underwear at all if you so choose.
DON’T forget to take a photo and send it to your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/not legally recognised wife/lover/partner/ex/crush.
DON’T accidentally send it to your father/boss/Priest/dentist (unless that dentist is John Stamos).
DO wear what you want in the privacy of your own bedroom/office/secret sex dungeon.
DON’T forget to lock the door.
DO buy some hot stilettos that make you feel ten feet tall and a million feet sexy.
DON’T forget to practice walking in them. Falling over is rarely a precursor to erotica.
DO wear glasses.
DON’T not wear glasses*.
*I’m totally hot for people who wear glasses.
DO have confidence in yourself. You are a hot bitch and the world is your sexual playground.
DON’T ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
DO do that thing where you rock up to someone’s house in just a coat and heels with nothing underneath.
DON’T forget your toothbrush. Or your wallet – you’ll need money for the bus.