All sluts go to heaven
They'd "know" each other and afterwards there would be no shock pregnancies, miscarriages, screaming arguments, deaths by car-crash, drowning or rogue flight of stairs, and they wouldn't end up alone, depressed, stripping, adopting the child out to their parents or grandparents, turning to drink and drugs, or homeless on the streets of London.
Because in much the same way that having sex (or sometimes even thinking about it) will lead you to a grisly death in horror movie lore, having sex - particularly if you're shy of 18, which let's face it, most people are when they first do the deed - in soap/drama serial land means you must suffer the consequences.
There, I said it.
Most recently I have been struck by the snuffed-out character arc of Neighbours' Bridget "Didge" Parker (who I discussed in more length here).
Poor Didge made the dreadful mistake of sexing her on-again-off-again boyfriend Declan, and endured a) a troublesome pregnancy and all that came with it, and b) just this last week:
Not even getting married in God's house could stop her from arriving at the final destination that awaits soapie characters who've done the deed!
Look, I know she wanted to leave the show (evidently to record dancehall with Sean Paul, or something), but really, Neighbours team, was it too much to ask to do it happily?
I realise that very few people get to leave Ramsay Street (or Summer Bay, or All Saints Hospital...) in a mundane and satisfying fashion - you can't really make a gripping promo for people handing over a giant 'We'll Miss You!' card and waving goodbye while smiling - but really. Did you have to kill off another sexually-active teen?
It's not just teens who are unsafe; soapies love teaching slurries a good lesson, too. Here's what happened to Izzy (Natalie Bassingthwaighte) when she was carrying Karl's lovechild:
If death or injury doesn't sideswipe the couple (though it's usually the female character who suffers the worst fate), then nature will conspire against them.
Remember that cliffhanger when Anne finally bonked Billy (in a tent), and then there was a massive storm, and she was running around snotting everywhere in her pink tracksuit, and then Toadie was pinned under a car in a rushing river, and then EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL?
It probably wouldn't have happened if Anne had just kept her word to stop at third.
(And as a side note, saints preserve anyone touched by the peen of Toadie - he's managed to kill off or curse countless partners, with a reign of indiscriminate terror starting with Dee and stretching god knows how long into the future.)
Sometimes the horrible consequences of being sexually active take a long time to come into effect - just look at poor old Jen Lindley from Dawson's Creek. In Season One she bonked Dawson, at the end of Season Six, she DIED OF AN UNSPECIFIED AND MYSTERIOUS HEART CONDITION:
(Spare a thought for Jen's similarly sexually precocious friend Abby, who slipped on the pier and DIED.)
Residents of Summer Bay are no safer; witness their tally of AIDS (Cassie), cancer (Martha), drug abuse and death by car-crash (Chloe), and blood poisoning (Shane), amongst others including numerous babies out of wedlock and lives of crime.
(It's worth noting, though, that generally the Home & Away team seem to deal with real life issues in a far less - or at least, relatively less - sensational way than their Ramsay Street equivalents.)
My friend Liam reminded me of a particularly berserk 7th Heaven storyline that is possibly unsurprising, considering the show's stealth-Christian tendencies, but I reproduce his note here in full:
"Maybe too obscure for Australian audiences, but the always unbelievable 7th Heaven featured an amazing one. Simon, the blonde kid, was the first Camden to have sex outside of marriage. He became so OBSESSED WITH SEX that he LIED TO HIS PARENTS, SPENT ALL HIS MONEY ON RENTING HOTEL ROOMS IN WHICH HE HAD SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND DIDN'T ATTEND CLASSES AND FAILED COLLEGE THAT SEMESTER.
Because, you know, unless you have a ring on your finger, you just CAN'T DEAL with THE INSANITY OF SEX."
There are many, many more examples and, perhaps most worryingly, plenty of them from within the last five or so supposedly enlightened years.
Are "we" really so concerned that the idea of having sex will utterly corrupt the youth of the country that we need to demonstrate again and again the terrible consequences that sex will apparently bring? Surely an occasional chat at Erinsborough High about safe sex practises, or an STI-scare at the Summer Bay hospital, would be enough to get kids talking sensibly?
If I were a parent or moral guardian, I'd be more concerned about rampant television violence and/or the fact that everyone in soapie land has to look like either Barbie or Ken. A few dodgy sexual experiences can be dealt with over time and eventually lead to hilarious stand-up routines, but a crushing body-image problem or a heart heavied by images of despair are far more worrying.
So, as Declan prepares to bury Didge and ship their baby off with the Parkers (who are returning to Rooty Hill, or somewhere, because they can't handle the sad reminders that Ramsay Street is stuffed with, and because he "can't look at her" because he "just wants Didge", sadface), I am hereby issuing a heartfelt plea to the storyliners of soaps and dramas the world over:
JUST ONCE, LET A COUPLE HAVE SEX FOR RECREATION, NOT DECIMATION.
Thank you and goodnight.
Residents of Summer Bay are no safer; witness their tally of AIDS (Cassie), cancer (Martha), drug abuse and death by car-crash (Chloe), and blood poisoning (Shane), amongst others including numerous babies out of wedlock and lives of crime.
(It's worth noting, though, that generally the Home & Away team seem to deal with real life issues in a far less - or at least, relatively less - sensational way than their Ramsay Street equivalents.)
My friend Liam reminded me of a particularly berserk 7th Heaven storyline that is possibly unsurprising, considering the show's stealth-Christian tendencies, but I reproduce his note here in full:
"Maybe too obscure for Australian audiences, but the always unbelievable 7th Heaven featured an amazing one. Simon, the blonde kid, was the first Camden to have sex outside of marriage. He became so OBSESSED WITH SEX that he LIED TO HIS PARENTS, SPENT ALL HIS MONEY ON RENTING HOTEL ROOMS IN WHICH HE HAD SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND DIDN'T ATTEND CLASSES AND FAILED COLLEGE THAT SEMESTER.
Because, you know, unless you have a ring on your finger, you just CAN'T DEAL with THE INSANITY OF SEX."
There are many, many more examples and, perhaps most worryingly, plenty of them from within the last five or so supposedly enlightened years.
Are "we" really so concerned that the idea of having sex will utterly corrupt the youth of the country that we need to demonstrate again and again the terrible consequences that sex will apparently bring? Surely an occasional chat at Erinsborough High about safe sex practises, or an STI-scare at the Summer Bay hospital, would be enough to get kids talking sensibly?
If I were a parent or moral guardian, I'd be more concerned about rampant television violence and/or the fact that everyone in soapie land has to look like either Barbie or Ken. A few dodgy sexual experiences can be dealt with over time and eventually lead to hilarious stand-up routines, but a crushing body-image problem or a heart heavied by images of despair are far more worrying.
So, as Declan prepares to bury Didge and ship their baby off with the Parkers (who are returning to Rooty Hill, or somewhere, because they can't handle the sad reminders that Ramsay Street is stuffed with, and because he "can't look at her" because he "just wants Didge", sadface), I am hereby issuing a heartfelt plea to the storyliners of soaps and dramas the world over:
JUST ONCE, LET A COUPLE HAVE SEX FOR RECREATION, NOT DECIMATION.
Thank you and goodnight.
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