A brawl over a Robsessed poster leaves one hospitalised. A middle-aged man is at large after biting a teen girl’s neck. Schoolyard attacks plague innocent children. Where are our vampire-protectors when we really need them?



Answer: Hiding from their rabid fans.

There are four major types of Twihard attack, each with a unique perpetrator profile and modus operandi:

1. Non-Consensual Neck Bites
You’d think this would happen all the time, but forcible tooth-on-neck penetrations are relatively rare in the Twihard universe, probably because most fans would prefer to be Edward Cullen’s victim, not his imitator. Nonetheless, a Michigan NBC affiliate reports today that a “white man, about 45 years old, with dark spiky hair and stubbly facial hair” is at large after biting a 17-year-old girl a New Moon showing:

“I tried to pull away and he didn’t let go. He was just kind of staring at me, smiling, in this really creepy way … He got maybe two, three feet from my chair and he grabs me by the back of my hair, pulls me backward and bites me on the neck.”



2. Twihard-on-Twihard Violence
In the orgiastic frenzies surrounding every Twilight event, it is a foregone conclusion that someone would put an eye out, eventually. A brawl over a Robsessed poster landed a British teen in the hospital after a screening of the Twihard fan documentary last week. Sarah O’Regan explains her harrowing plight:

I didn’t find out about the free Robsessed posters till they were all gone. Then I spotted one on the table at the same time as another girl and we both ran for it. I grabbed it first but then she snatched it off me. .. I was frightened, as I don’t ever get into fights, but at that moment I was totally Robsessed and I had fire in my heart. It all happened so quickly. I ended up on the floor and my arm and cheek were in terrible pain, so my friend had to take me to hospital. [Note: I have removed extraneous exclamation points from this account because they are annoying, and also because it's funnier as a deadpan.]

O’Regan, who is Robert Pattinson’s “biggest fan in the world” and “want[s] to marry him,” reports that the poster was torn in half during the scuffle, but that she got “the better half,” which including Pattinson’s face. She remains in good spirits:

I’m so gutted I missed the screening, but the DVD company have sent me a free copy of Robsessed which I have already watched about 4 times.

Though terrifying, Twihard-on-Twihard violence is easily avoided, mostly by avoiding any and all Twilight-related gatherings.

3. Twihard-on-Bystander Violence
A message board directory of Twilight-related attacks, reveal baseball beat-downs, broken bones, small explosive devices, and a nearly scratched-out eyeball. This tale of an attempted schoolroom throat-slashing has a somewhat unreliable narrator, but is really good, in a Bad Boys meets Mean Girls sort of way:

[I]n Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. she came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed “How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!” Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn’t have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed. She was expelled, but I got after school detention for defending myself (our principal is a arse)!

To avoid Twihard-on-Bystander attacks, stay away from places where teenagers congregate and do not, under any circumstances, openly criticise Twilight in public. Should you be the victim of Twilhard-on-Bystander violence, know that it is not your fault, mummy and Daddy still love you very much, and next time, carry a rape whistle.

4. Celebrity-Directed Attacks
Celebrity-directed attacks are theoretically dangerous to Twilight’s beleaguered stars, but since event organisers now know to anticipate them, the cavalcade of beefy New Moon security actually leaves Twihard fans at greater risk of endangering themselves. Witness Robert Pattinson’s tale of how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public: After an autograph-seeker asked, “What can I do to get your attention?” Pattinson replied, “um, just take your clothes off,” prompting the nubile young female to rip her clothes off and get “dragged out of the room by security.”

- Posted by a for Defamer