The best newspaper headlines ever published

Man, there has been so much goddamn real news lately, so you know what, this blog: frippery.


If there is one lasting contribution that tabloid journalism can make to the evolution of the human species, then surely it will be the venerable art of the newspaper headline. Flicking through an average edition of the The Sun, or The Daily Mail, or The New York Post you wind up with the distinct sensation that the major reason the newspaper as a whole is so abysmally shit is that well over 75% of the editorial meeting went into coming up with a bitching pun for the front cover. And so, without further ado, here's a list:


Why bother reading the article when you can read the ridiculously informative headline!



This was pretty much the reason I started thinking about news headlines again. Amazing. A stunning example of the recent trend in tabloid sub-editing toward producing overly descriptive headlines that do away with that pesky need to actually read the rest of the story.



This is another. I mean that's just majestic. You know that if you went anywhere near actually reading that story all it could possibly do would be to disappoint.


The Daily Mail, on the other hand, has mastered the knack of making you really, really curious as to what on Earth is going on. In case you're wondering, in this story a gay man tried to poison his lesbian neighbours with a slug-pellet laced bowl of curry that he had given to them as a peace offering after they accused him of stealing their three-legged cat. Boy, that sounds just like an episode of Will and Grace.


These are pretty much the go-to answers whenever someone asks you what the best headline of all time is.




In Australia we hear the words gay marriage and think "danger". In Britain they think "comic opportunity".




Let's, uh, not talk about this one too much.




You just know there was a New York Post sub-editor crying quiet tears of joy when this story was placed on their desk.

Again, let's not contemplate the actual story too much. Yowsers.



This is at least as good as most Shakespeare.


This is what it's all about y'know. The offhand salacity, the cheeky wink, the understated reference to the old sexy sex that is to newspapers what the characters of Seaman Staines and Master Bates were to Captain Pugwash. Makes all the stories about finance worthwhile.




Thank You, Comedy Gods.




It's strange to think that a newspaper that features topless girls on page three of every edition would be one for sex puns, but hey, that's The Sun for you.




Surely George couldn't have been too bitter about his scandal given that he was able to provide this headline to the world. Sublime.


Look, it's about sex and that's all you need to know.




This sounds like a very literal use of the word "rampage". Potentially also the word "steamy". Not really sure what anti-freeze does to one's oesophagus.




Wordplay still seems a bit beyond the Ugandan press. Best part about this is that up until the explanatory second headline this story could have been about consensual sex between a pastor and a hobo. Also, you'll notice that the two photos have subtitles that read "ACCUSED" and "SHAFTED". Subtle.


These can probably almost stand on their own two feet really. Just know that someone, somewhere thought they had to be printed on actual paper and sold to actual people.









The US loses with dignity.



I mentioned the war once, but I think I got away with it.



And, finally, the Illawarra Mercury celebrates the opening of the World Cup with one of the most immaculate front covers to ever be printed.

[ed note: we've started a forum thread so you can post the best/worst headlines you've ever seen.]