Ah, commercials. Ever since I was a child (some would say I still am a child. Those people... WOULD BE CORRECT! WHO WANTS TO GUZZLE SOME PEZ AND RENT SOME STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE?!) I've been suckered by the flimsiest advertisements.
If it had musical backing and was coming out of a television set, I'd buy it. Or, to be more accurate, I'd beg my parents to buy it. However, the eyes of a child (whilst highly nutritious) often miss the inherent creepiness of certain commercials, and nowhere is creepiness more prevalent than in ads for various foodstuffs. Here are a few choice morsels. AM I RIGHT? I'm right.
Let's start with something easy shall we? This ad obviously has an enormous budget. Not only is it shot very well, but they managed to capture and tame a panther woman! How disco is that? Answer: total disco.
9.
This is creepy, but in an awesome way. I love Mexican food, and I love robots. And I love Mexican robots. And I respect the can-do attitude of Mexican robots. Because if you're not a MexiCAN, you're a MexiCAN'T.
You're welcome.
8.
I appear to have nothing to say regarding this creepy food commercial. No, wait, I came up with something. BIRDS EMERGE FROM MY TORSO.
7.
I would like, if I may, to deviate from my planned remarks to quote the venerable Mark Twain, when he was questioned at the World Fair in London about his thoughts on Nicola Tesla.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP JAPANESE PRETZEL AD."
El Pollo Yon! Is this an ad for chicken? How am I supposed to focus on chicken when this enormous stud keeps moaning and licking his fingers? CONFUSEMENT.
5.
Am I supposed to run along to IHOP simply because the makers of this commercial melted down an Atari game system, the thigh-bone of an ox and three pounds of amyll nitrate, poured it into an editing machine and made me watch the end result? AM I? Because I am suddenly craving pancakes. And some ambient music.
4.
It's sort of hard to verbalise how unsettling I find bastardisations of
Star Wars (including the Christmas Special - Bea Arthur singing in a cantina can eat a bag of dicks). This is a particularly horrific one, in that it was cooked up to hock some abortive tinned chicken. Seriously, George Lucas. In a galaxy far, far away, was Hagoromo a specialty dish? Or are you just a chode-eating sellout moron with the dialogue-writing ability of Davy Crockett's anus?
I'm not bitter at all about the prequels, by the way.
3.
This isn't technically an ad. But it does do the following: (a) Sell enormous quantities of pudding, thereby doing what an ad for pudding should, and (b) it shows Bill Shatner (God) eating pudding over and over. Awesomesschnitzel.
2.
This is why I'm a fucking vegetarian.
1.
Fiji wants me to buy meat. I want them to stop hiring John Wayne to sing in their meat ads, because HOO BOY. If he sang directly at my pelvis I'm pretty sure I'd make pant-babies.