It's that sacred time of the NFL season when a mere 30 seconds can shift a game, leave an indelible mark on history, perhaps even change the world. Yes, I'm talking about the Super Bowl… ads. The Super Bowl ads. Yes, I am.
Fans might flock to television sets this Sunday for the football, but they'll be staying for the commercials - and at a staggering US$2.5-$3 million per thirty seconds, brands will sure as hell be hoping that I didn't just make that up.
Without further ado, and in preparation for surely more brilliance both on and off the field this weekend, here are the top ten Super Bowl ads of all time.
…Actually, you know what? That's far too hard. Let's break the rules and blow it out twenty!
20. Master Lock, "Shot Lock" (1973)
The ad that, arguably, started it all - drawing eyes away from the main event for the very first time by making an event out of itself.
19. E*Trade, "Wasted 2 Million Bucks" (1999)
At more than US$2 million a pop, you'd want to make the most of it. Or would you?
18. Doritos, "Snack Attack Samurai" (2010)
When Doritos asked everyday consumers to make their Super Bowl ad last year, this is what the eventual winner submitted. Cop that Madison Avenue.
17. Hulu, "Alec Baldwin" (2009)
Only the silky smooth cadence of Alec Baldwin could interrupt the big game, and make our impending doom sound so damn appealing.
16. Diet Pepsi, "New Neighbour" (1987)
Sure, we still love Michael J. Fox today, but I don't think it comes anywhere near to just how much we adored him back when. Here, MJF does Diet Pepsi (and then, I assume, his neighbours…)(…Oh yeah, I said it.)
15. Monster.com, "Doubletake" (2009)
Deceptively simple and with photography that, literally, sweeps you in. A recent Super Bowl contender that's become hard to forget.
14. Degree, "Stunt City" (2006)
A semi-Australian addition to the list - with this stunt extravaganza having been filmed in Sydney and starring director/stuntman, Nash Edgerton.
13. FedEx, "Carrier Pigeons" (2008)
Imagine the bird shit!
12. FedEx, "Cast Away" (2003)
The ending to the film we were all hoping for.
11. EDS, "Cat Herders" (2000)
I love cats. I like cowboys. Perhaps then I'm biased, but I still think this ad is ridiculous to the point of awesome.
10. Google, "Parisian love" (2010)
The all-knowing Google shows us mere humans that a memorable Super Bowl spot doesn't require million dollar celebrities, mind-blowing special effects or even borderline gags.
9. McDonald's, "The Showdown" (1993)
Surprisingly, the least believable aspect of this ad isn't that Bird or Jordan could really sink those shots, it's that anyone would ever go to that much effort for a filthy Big Mac.
8. Coca-Cola, "Video Game" (2007)
If you've ever played more than 12 hours straight of Grand Theft Auto, you'd know it soon starts messing with your moral compass. That's why it was so incredibly refreshing (zing!) to see Niko-a-like have himself a Coke during Super Bowl XLI and chill the fuck out.
7. Gatorade, "23 vs 39" (2003)
It baffles me why Gatorade (or the earlier McDonald's, for that matter) would drop millions on a basketball-themed ad during a football event. But, then again, the year it turned out to be Jordan vs. Jordan, I don't think anyone had a problem with that.
6. Snickers, "Game" (2010)
The 2010 comeback of Betty White started here, with Snickers, in this immediate classic. Who knew sweet, old Rose Nylund had such a mouth?
5. Budweiser, "Wassup" (2000)
Technically, this was lowest common denominator advertising. But, goddamn, if it isn't etched into our psyches for eternity.
4. Monster.com, "When I Grow Up" (1999)
Funny? Yes. Sobering? Absolutely. A timeless effort that, no doubt, soured the second half of Super Bowl XXXIII for every working stiff in America.
3. Reebok, "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" (2003)
Starting out as a short film pilot three years earlier,
Terry Tate was later pitched to Reebok. And the rest is viral-advertising-Super-Bowl history.
2. Old Spice, "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like" (2010)
The ad that spawned a thousand quotations (well, at least three anyway)(and, for at least a few weeks). After its Super Bowl debut, Isaiah Mustafa was inescapable online - now with close to 29 million YouTube plays - but no one was complaining.
1. Apple, "1984" (1984)
It may have dated a little (okay, a lot) but, even then, you can still sense how epic it would have been to have this ad-slash-film confront you whilst you sat mindlessly with your popcorn in front of the television, in between the Raiders smashing the Redskins. History being what it is, Ridley Scott terrifying the shit out of the American people is unlikely to ever be beaten.
0. Bill Hicks, "Drink Coke" (1991)
As entertaining as they can sometimes be, all this praise of advertising has made me feel a little dirty. So, here's a complimentary-after-top-twenty-cleanser, courtesy of Bill Hicks and his "ad they would like to do, if they could."
Too true.