A camera tracks along a darkened corridor and floats out into Sydney’s Acer Arena. Beneath us, an epic crowd. At its centre, a glossy black stage, exposed steel rigging and flashing lights. Something feels strangely familiar as we watch Keith Urban walk his band through one of their formless rock-pop numbers. As the camera rolls around and around, it dawns on me: the set design looks like ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’

8:36pm: We meet our hosts for the evening: Carl Williams from Channel Nine’s hit TV show Underbelly (Gyton Grantley) and Sally from Home And Away (also known to some as Kate Richie and to others still as someone’s wife in the second season of Channel Nine’s hit TV show Underbelly). They look nice and say their lines. I’m sure they know that one eighth of one percent of all musicians turn a profit in the commercial sector, but the auto-cue says ‘As competitive as the industry is, it’s also incredibly supportive’ and they deliver. They’re good actors these two.

8:42pm: And The Highest Selling Single goes to ex-Australian Idol star Jessica Mauboy for ‘Running Back.’ She takes the stage and at last we are to hear from the musicians themselves on this night of nights: “My first ARIA, yeah!’ (Was she expecting another?), then ‘I’d like to thank god first of all,’ and later ‘Thanks to my other family, the Sony family.’ Creepy. At home, to brighten the mood, one of my friends tells a story; a few years ago his room mate saw a Brisbane musician onstage at the ARIAs and shouted ‘Hey, I buy my acid off that guy!’

8:50pm: The Best Suburban Release ARIA is given to the Hilltop Hoods for State of the Art. 

8:54pm: Jessica Mauboy’s god has unfortunately organised a test of faith for her by placing her onstage in an outfit that looks uncannily like a costume from Australian film Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome. Dancing, disembodied smiling and some singing ensue.

8:57pm: The hosts plug iTunes on-air. Apparently you can buy the performance recordings from tonight’s proceedings. This is not a well timed announcement. Why would anyone would want an MP3 of a pop-star huffing into a mic over two-dozen pre-recorded backing tracks? We all agree that it is exactly these type of quality products that has made the Australian commercial sector such a bankable business in recent years.

9:01pm: Jimmy Barnes and Andrew G-Fullname present two awards (Highest Selling Album and Best Hard Rock Album) to AC/DC for Black Ice. During the presentation, a roadie – replete in black with belt gadgets and weird facial hair - walks onstage and places a microphone stand in front of G-Fullname. This is a serious highlight. For a moment, our interest in the show is high. Will we ever see him again? When will he appear, this everyman of the road crew?

9:05pm: The Hilltop Hoods perform. They have circus performers onstage with them and thus no further comment on the band’s quality or stagecraft is required.

9:13pm: We know we’ve entered into a frightening scenario when The Presets appear down to earth, well-dressed and likeable. They take out Best Dance Release for ‘Talk Like That’.

9:17pm: Luke Steele of Empire of the Sun collects the Best Pop Release prize for Walking On A Dream. Onstage he refers to himself in the third person as ‘The Steele.’ He appears to be wearing a cape made out of human hair. Something about him screams ‘Professional Wrestling’. He’d be a villain.

9:24pm: Richard Wilkins and Lee Kernaghan present: Lee looks a bit ragged, like many of our country stars tend to and Wilkins looks and speaks – as always – like a former star who has snuck in through the fire escape. Together this unlikely couple present the Best Country Music Album/Tamworth award, which goes to Troy Cassar-Daley for I Love This Place. 

9:28pm: Much to the scripted excitement of Kate Richie, Robbie Williams is scheduled to perform live. Richard Wilkins introduces him as ‘The man with the best initials in the business!’ and then Robbie, to his credit, turns in a pretty decent performance. Not overly dolled up and actually singing (sometimes badly) and dancing (sometimes badly). He flies high here by merit of being a bit of an old-school commodity: an entertainer who can actually entertain people with his persona. No one in my living room hates him.

9:37pm: After an ad-break, Sydney is referred to as ‘Australia’s entertainment capital.’

9:38pm: The Breakthrough Artist Single is award to New Zealand's Ladyhawke (pictured) for ‘My Delirium.’ She seems like a lovable, awkward and sincere doofus and thus we all instantly take a liking to her.

9:47pm: Missy Higgins presents well and looks smart (although as one of my cohorts said of her golden stilettos, "Those shoes! Missy what have you become?" - Ed). Unfortunately she’s introducing tonight’s most ponderous piece of programming. We are promised a performance from three Australian songwriters and what we get is a short suite of half-songs from Lisa Mitchell, Kate Miller-Heidke and Sarah Blasko. Very little of it makes sense. Why are these artists on the same stage at the same time? Gender? It doesn’t work. Mitchell is likeable enough and seems talented enough but appears unseasoned here, while Miller-Heidke is her usual marriage of mediocrity (the songs) and precision ‘eccentricity’ (the image /marketing strategy). Blasko sings beautifully and somehow makes her terrible costume work. But in aid of what? Along with The Drones, she’s one of the most interesting and self-determined acts in the arena, yet here, after three albums, she shares her stage with relative lightweights. While Ladyhawke and (sigh) The Temper Trap do not. Smells like bad industry politics and/or a bad idea.

9:59pm: Who would want to win an award called ‘Best Adult Contemporary Album?’ Josh Pyke seems okay with it.

10:04pm: John Butler acknowledges the traditional owners (see, he does have a use) and Keith Urban says something like ‘Right on John!’ They present the Best Independent Release Award to Bertie Blackman for Secrets and Lies. Blackman on winning announces that ‘It’s as if a dust storm of shards of GLASS and diamonds have floated in and I catch them in my hand and I blow it out to everyone.’

10:08pm: Empire of the Sun play amidst what I think is a ‘High School Rock Eisteddfod’ themed stage show. ‘The Steele’ does a weird shaking motion with his hand throughout; the gesture has appropriately masturbatory overtones to it.

10:16pm: Fatigue sets in. Daniel Merriweather wins Best Male Artist for Love & War and reads his thank-you’s off his iPhone. He has a British accent.

10:20pm: The Best Blues and Roots album is awarded to C.W. Stoneking for Jungle Blues. Marieke Hardy is briefly seen on stage but does not appear to have any scripted dialogue.

10:27pm: Sydney is referred to as a ‘Stunning city.’

10:28pm: The Temper Trap play live. The bass player’s pseudo-tux is the most interesting part of their performance. With dark shades and a button down on, lead singer Dougy looks remarkably like Eazy-E. Unintentional feedback momentarily spices things up.

10:32pm: Dazza and Bernie from Powderfinger present the Best Group Award to ‘Empire of the Sun’. ‘The Steele’ brings his band and even though he takes the mic, he later looks at it like he only kind've remembers what it is and what it does, but now seems unsure what to do with it at the moment. At home, we empathise: it would be disorientating, after all, to accept an award in front of the nation after a night of celebrating in a cape made out of hair. And a CDr tied around your neck.

10:40pm: Ladyhawke perform. We like it but not a great deal happens. More feedback. Unfortunately, by this point of the evening, someone would have to trip and fall, or bleed or scream obscenities or cover Radio Birdman to obtain our full attention.

10:43pm: The Best Female Artist ARIA goes to Sarah Blasko for As Day Follows Night, thank god. She brings her friends onstage and delivers a short speech. For a brief moment, none us want to blow shards of glass out to everyone in Acer Arena a la Bertie Blackman.

10:46pm: Rove and Robbie Williams round out the night. Both old pros, both – despite what you may think of them, especially Rove – in possession of a noticeable personality. They end up giving two more awards to ‘The Steele’ for Empire of the Sun and finally some hi-jinx worth reporting takes place.

After Luke Steele makes another non-linear, rambling speech, one where he refers to ‘Walking On A Dream’ as ‘The Masterchef song’ (uhm, okay) and describes it as ‘a blessing from god, it was a lightning strike’ he appears to linger onstage casually chatting with Robbie and Rove off-mic. When he is asked to leave with all the attendant vibes of an angry drunk, Rove quips ‘When I grow I want to make speeches like Luke Steele’. Ill considered I imagine seeing it’s Steele’s year and, hey, here he comes again right now to pick up the final ARIA award of the evening for Album Of The Year. Awkward.

Replete with a full posse – including his wife dressed in a miniaturised version of his costume (I’m also quite sure he introduces her as ‘Snappy Dolphin’) – The Steele ascends. He talks long and hard, he preaches: ‘This record is such a testament to chemistry – chemistry you can’t buy at Wal-mart, like the Beatles (had).’ And who among us can argue? I have no doubt that the same chemistry that fuelled late-era Beatles now fuels The Steele and yes, none of us can buy such items at Wal-Mart. Particularly as Australians. Despite such chemistry, 'invisible Nick' Littlemore remains a phantom.   

One last time Kate Richie thanks, praises and yells for Robbie Williams, then queues the montage to take us out. Finally this night of celebration for Australia’s domestic music industry is over. As I get up to turn off the television, a news reporter fires out headlines: Hostages set free, Liberal Party in tatters and ‘Robbie Williams Rocks The ARIAs’.

Ian Rogers