genevieverosen
Wednesday 30 May 2012 - 2:00 PM

The week in health and psychology

If you’re a woman and you read health news, this week you may have stumbled across a few bright research studies that would have you believe you and your sisters everywhere are a) crazy, b) fat, c) self-involved narcissistic ego-maniacs, d) stupid and e) slutty. Yay! Now, if you disagree with me on the above points, don’t worry, I have loads of scientific data to assure you that yes, the entire world’s suffering can be attributed to our mothers, sisters, girlfriends and wives. This week, a disgruntled maid also put period blood in her boss’ coffee... maybe he quoted one of the clever studies. Anyway, in between the internet’s idiocy emerged news that a new phone cover has been developed to redirect the carcinogenic electromagnetic rays from our cellular devices. I’ve saved that story one until last, just to leave your tattered hope for the human race slightly intact.

Women are fat now because of all the chores they aren’t doing

Yes, it’s true! The reason women don’t have those clinched waists like the lovely ladies on Mad Men is because we don’t burn “upto at least 1,000 calories a day” keeping the house, like our grandmothers and their mothers before us. Since then, we also consume 2,178 calories a day, compared to 1,818 (sorry, have you surveyed every woman ever in the world?) because of rations and lack of fast food availability. Now, while it’s undeniable that the rates of obesity have increased since the 50s, the link presented is sexist (der) and I was just wondering how much fatter are men now since then? Why don’t they all look like Don Draper? Gonna need a burger and chips combo to ponder over that one.

Women would rather be thin than have sex

SHAPE magazine teamed up with FitSugar to deliver a far-from earth shattering study about how omen feel about getting into a bikini after the winter months. The results were predictably boring and depressing (if you’re really interested you can read them here), the most idiotic “statistic” that emerged was that 68 per cent of women would forego at least one month of sex in exchange for the perfect bikini body. Now, it’s not the results that are the most appalling aspect of this survey, but it’s the fact that women’s media thinks it is appropriate to even ask these ridiculous questions, as if they even deserve to be dignified with a response.

If you want to pick up, and you’re a girl, all you have to do is look dumb and slutty

Now THIS study is my personal favourite. In this month’s edition of Evolution and Human Behavior, a research paper entitled Sexual exploitability: observable cues and their link to sexual attraction finds that when men look for a lady to have a one night stand with they look for certain qualities, most prominently, is she stupid enough to have sex with me? Because, as Jezebel put it, “the study (and the men involved) have conveniently ignored the fact that ladies sometimes want one night stands, too [and] (also ignored: the idea that women sometimes have sex without being tricked into it).” The study has found 88 traits that apparently influence men in their quest to get laid, and, if you’re looking for some love to just make sure you act drunk, sleepy, immature, reckless, have slutty friends, are wearing tight clothes, have tattoos and appear to be in a committed relationship (a simple ring will do). Also, make sure you’re short and fat. Now who needs a milkshake when you have advice like that!

A new phone cover won’t cure brain cancer, but it may prevent it

Now, for something a bit more hopeful...

To date, there is no empirical research that demonstrates the link between brain cancer and mobile phones, but that may be because up to 75 per cent of studies have been at least partially funded by the telecommunications industry. Charlie Teo, Australia’s leading brain surgeon, wrote an article exploring that and said “I am not an expert on electromagnetic radiation. Nor am I an expert on the molecular effects of non-ionising radiation on cellular biology. However, I am an expert on brain cancer and witness every day the devastating effects this disease has on families and society. Like any member of the public, I simply wish to know the truth. I see 10 to 20 new patients each week and at least one third of those patients’ tumours are in the area of the brain around the ear. As a neurosurgeon I cannot ignore this fact.” Personally, I know two people who have had brain tumours of that description over the past year.

The US Federal Communication Commission has approved a new product, the Pong cell phone case, as a patented technology proven “to redirect electromagnetic radiation away from the head and body, whilst optimizing signal strength.” Scientific jargon aside, basically, Americans have approved a phone case that may at least deflect some of the radiation away from our brains, and are now being sold in Australia. Whether or not mobile phones cause cancer, you’re probably going to buy a phone cover anyway. I’ve got my hands on one – they’re reasonably priced, and you know, may stop a tumour from forming in your head, so really, why not? You can check them out here.