The 20 worst things of 2012
Who's saying what
Helen Razer writes.
2012. What a ride. One minute, ankle-boots were making a comeback and the next, news happened. But, amid these practical fashion highs and distressing real-world lows, other things that were not another Carly Rae Jepsen lip-dub unfolded, too. This is a selection of the worst. Just in case you were feeling too damn cocky, mate.
(1) 100 Things To Do Before You Self-Harm 100 Albums. 10,000 Books. 1001 Foods to Cram in Your Jaded Cake-Hole Before You Die of Insulin Resistance. It is not quite bad enough that some marketing knob-end recognised the fear of death by boredom was sufficient to launch a publishing trend still festering in the current day. No. You have to go and lap that noxious milk up, as well.
(2) Feminism. In 2012, this broad church gave religion a run for its dirty money by moving as far away from its guiding principles as the Pontiff has from the word of Jesus. Sure, there remain a few babes working for those lady KPIs, increased workforce participation and an end to domestic violence. The rest of ‘em just had three topics on high-rotation, to wit (a) “We Are All Feminist”, (b) “She is NOT as Feminist as Me, Especially Lena Dunham” and (c ) “Alan Jones is destroying our way of life.” Shut the fuck up and get me equal pay.
(3) Perfectly Adult Humans Speaking Like a Deschanel. If you utter or write the phrase “amazeballs”, you should probably be eaten by rats. Rats, by-the-bye, that are too dignified to say “Om Nom Nom” while feasting on your unfortunate flesh. Flesh, by the way, that shudders and ages in abject embarrassment whenever you say “HELLS YEAH” or begin an observation with the tedious grandiosity of “That Moment When”. Shut up. Because YOLO.
(4) Reaction GIFs. They are not funny. They were never funny. We all have fucking bandwidth sufficient to play video. Stop it.
(5) Hating Pictures of Lunch Loathing Instagram representations of food is now at peak-derp. It has not been wry and sophisticated to poke fun at this harmless, slightly lonely obsession since March. Particularly not when you can laugh at truer wankers who take pictures of the dense reading material by their bedsides. This should be tagged #faeces. (Note, do not follow that tag. Young Grammers seem to be more interested in chronicling lunch as it leaves the digestive system.)
(6) Online Petitions Please sign my online petition which calls for the death of the idea that the online petition accomplishes anything more useful than the public declaration that one has signed an online petition.
(7) Fifty Shades of Shite “You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.” I urge anyone who masturbated to this sentence to seek immediate medical aid.
(8) “Gay Marriage” Look. There are many reasons to disapprove of this campaign for conservatism and chief among these, of course, is that the people on Sunrise seem to like it. But, there’s another shitty thing about support for institutionalised monogamy. No one seems to know or care that equality in law for same-sex couples was passed by the Labor government in 2008 with around 100 legislative changes to change lives. This is not a social justice issue but an icing-on-the-cake bid to domesticate queer.
Also, haven’t we homos suffered enough?
(9) Nobody Cares That You Own a Tortilla Press The fetishistic embrace by Australian’s half-baked hipsters of Mexican cuisine and culture is embarrassing and reminds me of watching the Logies when I see our television industry through the pitying gaze of an imported US celebrity. They are laughing at us for our tardiness and our willingness to pay ten-dollars a taco.
(10) Open Letters Max Lavergne has a hatred for the cheap epistolary nicely covered here I would, however, just like to add a rather more general note of despair for an era that seems to allow an increase in acts of publication directly equal to a decrease in convincing literacy.
(11) The Sustained Consensual Delusion that Ryan Gosling is an Actor of Merit The guy has the emotional range of a coffee table. Seriously. He makes early Keanu look like Sir Ian by contrast. Bitches, please. It’s okay to love him purely for his steely eyes, abs and guns.
(12) McKurtney In a year full with musical missteps, the biggest stumble saved itself for last. Age has reduced Paul McCartney’s vocal range to something south of Lou Reed and Dave Grohl’s commonsense to nil. Why the remaining members of Nirvana saw fit to join Macca in the Concert For Hurricane Sandy is anybody’s guess. I would have actually pledged money, though, if I could have watched Courtney and Yoko watch this shit on telly.
(13) KONY2012 Outside of narrative cinema, there were few moments caught on camera so powerfully symbolic as that depicting KONY guy Jason Russell pulling his pud. While online makes extraordinary acts of mass activism for justice possible, it can also tempt many of us to wank in public.
(14) People Who Want to Ban Things Whether it was “sexy” clothes for toddlers, radio hosts or unfunny comics, objects for rage, revulsion and boycott were plentiful this year. While it is sort of sweetly naive that there are those who believe the removal of a single item from our culture will improve anything, it is also a bit delusional. And dangerous. We may find offence in art and other media. But, there are few graver offences to civic life than the impulse to censor.
(15) Tumblrs about Vegan Girls Smoking Weed in Paddling Pools
(16) Who Even is Seth MacFarlane And Why is He Hosting the Oscars?
(17) Cupcakes, Cake Pops and Romper Suits For Grown-Ass Women How old are you, lady? Even women of my middle-age range all seem to think that they are six. What is with the quirk, the ukulele and the blank, depressing need to pretend that you have not yet begun to menstruate? Full Brazilian waxes have nothing on this self-imposed paedophilia of the soul. Grow up and stop eating cupcakes. If you’re going to have empty calories, make sure they involve a maraschino cherry and some rye whisky, FFS. See also, (3)
(18) Prometheus Ridley. Dude. Just when we thought that midi-chlorian counts were the most serious offence ever committed in sci-fi prequel, along you come with plot-holes bigger than the abyss of logic into which Paul Sheehan fell in 2012. And the dialogue? That hovers somewhere between all your base are belong to us and twific. Why, oh, Why, Ridley?
(19) The World DId Not End
(20) My Oppressive but Stylish Editor. Who refused to publish this piece under its original title, 20 Cunty Things That Fucked Me Right Off in 2012. History will judge you for your craven ways, Alyx “McCarthy” Gorman!
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