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Seeing Stars - February Horoscopes

Aries

In February, try to spend less time thinking of all the dead cats and dogs from old movies. Yes, there’s a lot of them. Cats and dogs don’t live as long as people. Fish live even less long. The more you focus on deceased pets of the silver screen, the less you’ll pay attention to your own garbage life which is going nowhere with great rapidity. Actually: go ahead and keep thinking about them.

Taurus

Reality may intrude on your plans. When some chick in the mall accuses you of being a “pastel goth”, you’ll need to stop and evaluate what that means for your personal brand. Are you authentic? Have you ever been authentic? What is authenticity? Focus on setting manageable timeframes. Don’t join Reddit.

Gemini

After years of not capitalising on your status as a twin, you’re going to finally switch lives for the day with your fraternal sibling. You’re going to like it so much that you’ll wish you could stay in their life; they, on the other hand, are going to loathe your horrid existence. Will you submit? Will you murder them and destroy the body? The stars are inconclusive on this matter.

Cancer

Locate the abyss that exists within all of us. Define its borders. Then, stand on the edge and holler. Do you hear anything? May anything be heard? Hurl yourself from the precipice. It’s better than what you've got going on now.

Leo

Friendzoned again, Leo! The fierce resentment and bitterness you feel towards anyone who doesn’t reciprocate your sexual desire will certainly win over some unstable, emotional juvenile someday. But that day won’t be in February! Humans of every gender will continue to be revolted by your tantrums and vulgar expectations. It’s a good month to avoid horse racing of any kind, too (unrelated).

Virgo

Have you set the bar too high? It’s difficult to be a surgeon or a freelance contributor to a pop culture website. Re-evaluate your goals. Aim for the achievable. For instance, babies think they’ve got the crying and shitting yourself game on lock, but you have larger bowels and easy access to laxatives. Try excelling at more modest pursuits and leave the cool shit to the big boys, capeesh?

Libra

A constant source of irritation is the creeps that keep sexually propositioning you on Facebook. It’s because you’re the only Graph Search result for “SINGLE people who like DRAGONBALL Z and PAINTBALLING”. Try Unliking one or both. Or change your relationship status! Your mother’s been hinting that she’d like a grandchild for ages anyway.

Scorpio

Your greatest hope is that you won't spend 2013 repeating the mistakes of 2012. To that end, the grey smudge you keep seeing slightly above and to the right of the moon DEFINITELY isn’t a hitherto-undiscovered second natural satellite of the Earth. Stop calling the observatory! They think you’re crazy! You’re actually just developing cataracts.

Sagittarius

This month, keep pursuing your dreams of creative success until you’re too jaded and numbed by the process to extract the slightest satisfaction from your efforts. Try to convince yourself you’ve chosen a “quality-of-life” career over a highly paid one. Try not to think of what will happen if you fail.

Capricorn

It’s another great month for you, Capricorn! You’re looking fucking sexy as HELL. Damn. Additionally, you’re gonna find so much money on the ground that by February 28 you’ll only be stopping to pick up the big bills. Fives. Twenties. Fifties. Hundos. Several times a day, just plastering the street. No one else notices until you’re tucking the cash away in your obscenely fat billfold. They can’t hide their envy. They’re wondering if they could overpower you, steal your wallet and get away before the cops arrive.

Aquarius

With your ruling planet, the Sun, aligned with wise Saturn, February will see you turn misfortune into golden opportunities. The Google Street View car will drive past you as you go to high-five your friend - and miss. The car will capture everything. You’ll become a viral phenomenon and go on Letterman. Could a webseries with Funny Or Die be on the cards? Probably, depending on how you play your hand.

Pisces

You are a fish. Keep swimming to allow oxygenated water to filter through your gills. If you don’t you’ll drown, which might seem darkly humorous now, but you can’t laugh when you’re dead (from drowning).