During the week, I was lucky enough to catch up with Wikileaks founder & Australia's sweetheart - wait, sorry, what? we're not claiming this guy? Oh OK, um... Wikileaks founder & kitten bludgeoner, Julian Assange* and boy, what a blast it was! Since Julian came on the scene, the term "WHAT A SCOOP!" has been used so often & with such vigor that quite literally, some of the letters have worn away, leaving the nonsensical term "WH T A S O P!" in its place. UH-OH-SPAGHETTIO'S.

But if you are like me and only vaguely skim over most news articles, then no doubt you too will left thinking, "But how?? HOW DOES HE GAIN THE KNOWLEDGE OF THINGS I DON'T REALLY CARE AND/OR KNOW ABOUT??? IS HE A ZOMBIE? HOW, GOSH DANG IT?? IS HE MORPHEUS?? HOOOOOOWWWWWW???" (repeat until dizzy with rage, then eat chocolate Yogo to regain stability).

So in a bid to stop myself from partially losing consciousness every time his name pops up in the newsies, I thought I'd do a bit of hard hitting journalism to uncover his sleuthy ways and other tidbits of useless information.

DISCLAIMER: May not actually be Julian Assange, may actually just be Mr Techno1ogy. OR IS IT?? Yes, it is.

Mr Tech: Hi Julian, nice to see you again.
Julian: THANKS, IT IS NICE TO SEE ME AGAIN, ISN'T IT? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT OBAMA HAD FOR LUNCH? TOASTED SANDWICH!
MT: Oh, OK... so tell me -
JA: PURPLE!
MT: (silence)
JA: THAT'S WHAT COLOUR UNDIES POPE BENEDICT IS WEARING TODAY!! I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT!!
MT: No, how intriguing. So anyways -
JA: I'M THIRSTY! GOT ANY HOTDOGS? I'M JULIAN ASSANGE BIAAAAATCH!! HONK! HONK!
MT: (silence)
JA: COME ON, YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD JOURNALIST! QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! THAT'S HOW YOU FREE THE TRUTH! FREEEEEEDOM!!
MT: Yeah... so how is it that a quiet, unassuming type like yourself manages to snag so many amazing leaks?
JA: BY USING SPY GADGETS STUPID! WOW, WORST SEGUE EVEEEEEEER!! HONK! HONK!

And with that, the magical Julian Assange sprinkled some fairy dust upon thine dome, spun around three times and took me on a far-out journey to Gadgetland...


Professional Voice Changer
JA: You wanna know a good trick? I use this voice changer to ring up Mum and pretend to be Dad. She's all, "Oh hi honey, can you get some milk?" and I'm all, "Sure, lol" and she's all, "Why lol?" and I'm all, "PSYCH! IT'S ME MUMMY! YOUR LITTLE LASAGNE!" and she's all, "OH GOSH! I TOTEZ WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING SEXY!" and then I hang up.


Spy T-Shirt
JA: This is FAY-VO-RUT t-shirt in DA WOOOOOOOORLD! IT'S GOT A FRIGGEN CAMERA IN IT!! When I was PAR-TAY-YING big time in NYC in the 80's, I was at a club and saw John Goodman (yes THE John Goodman - the fat one from Roseanne. No, the other one, the man). I followed him into the toilets and saw something terrible. HE KEEPS HIS SPARE CHANGE IN HIS FORESKIN. Thanks to this T-Shirt, I had photographic proof and was able to leak it to a hungry audience. That afternoon, an angry mob circumcised him. MORE FREEDOM OF TRUTH!! I SHOULD GET AN AWARD! HONK! HOONNNNNNNK!


Haunted Harassment
At this point, Julian was foaming from the mouth with excitement about his next magical gadget, the Haunted Harassment, a device that emits random creepy sounds like unsettling creaking noise, scratching sounds, gasping breath, and eerie whispering every 6 minutes.
JA: YOU KNOW WHAT'S AWESOME?? SCARING PEOPLE!!! SCARED PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING!! I USED THIS ON MICHAEL J FOX ONCE AND HE CONFESSED THAT THE DELOREAN IN BACK TO THE FUTURE WASN'T ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF TIME TRAVEL!! WWWHHHHHAAAAAAA???


Terrestrial Shrub Rover
JA: I WROTE A SONG ABOUT THIS! HIDIN' IN MY SHRUB! SNEAKIN' INTO DA CLUB! EVEN WHEN THE MANAGEMENT SPECIFICALLY ASKED ME TO NEVER RETURN THERE BECAUSE I GOT CAUGHT PISSING AT THE BAR.

NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET I TELLS YA!


Spy Cam Coke Can
JA: Coke Zero + Spy Camera = PANTS BOIIINNNNGGGG!!!


I looked over to where Julian was standing. The manic mood of the past twenty minutes that we shared together in Gadgetland had now turned very dire, as we could hear sirens approaching in the distance.

"They're coming to get me, aren't they, Mr Techno1ogy?", he said as a single tear rolled down his cheek. I replied back to him, "Yes, they are Julian."

He brushed back a lock of silver hair that was covering his face, wiped the tear away and started fumbling in his left pocket. The grim look that had consumed his face just moments earlier quickly lit up like a Tibetan Monk at a protest.

"BUT I'M JULIAN ASSANGE BIAAATTTCCHHHH!!!! HONK!! HONK!!", and with that, he threw a handful of magical fairy dust into the air, spun around three times and vanished right before my eyes. 8 Interpol squad cars came speeding up, driving over a grandmother and her pet Jack Russel in the process, but it was too late, he was long gone. And as I sat there and reflected on my time with Julian, I heard a whisper in my ears - "FRRRREEEEDDDOOOMMM BIATCH HONK HONK".

What a wonderful day it was.


Do you have a power plug nearby? WELL THEN STUPID, WHY NOT PLUG IN A COMPUTER AND FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! It's what all the cool kids are doing apparently, so if you're not cool, don't bother following me alright??  



OTHER LECTURES FROM MR TECHNO1OGY:
I Got 99 Problems But A Couch Ain't One
Don't Sweat The TechKNOWLEDGEy
Hollywood has a lot to answer for
He Hardly Works Hard For The Money
The Wonderful World of SPORT!
Gadgetz Paradise
Gravity - Arch Nemesis of Nerd
On Golden Pong
This Tech is on Fire
The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth
The Way To A Nerds Heart
I Can See Clearly Now
At The Movies