I’m a fan of any car that is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. That’s not to say I don’t like an ostentatious display of power and potential, but I do like a car that looks like something your mother could drive.

To test this theory, I actually asked my mother to drive a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This was no ordinary wolf, though it wasn’t exactly a sheep from the outside either.
It’s an SSV Commodore Wagon, prepared by Walkinshaw Performance in Clayton, Victoria (Disclosure: The Author is a contractor with sister company Walkinshaw Racing, aka, the Holden Racing Team). A V8 version- but still a somewhat vanilla looking current model wagon. It is white with rather dark tinted windows, two small bonnet “nostrils” and some slightly bigger than normal exhausts. There’s no GT nor side pin stripe, no big wing and no other nasty plastics.

The wolf part is impressive. Taking the standard LS2 6.0ltr V8, Walkinshaw Performance bolt on a supercharger, a new exhaust and a number of other fast bits- from wheels to brakes and more.

The end result is the SSV Super Wagon ends up with nearly the same power as a V8 Supercar, with handling and brakes that far out perform the “standard” Commodore it once was.

On the road, it’s impressive, but hairy. It doesn’t like to accelerate slowly and when you do give it a little, you really have to watch out- you may be just seconds from a Lewis Hamilton “exuberant” moment. It’s that brutal. (Speaking of Lewis- he was in a Mercedes Benz C63, a V8 with about 100kw LESS than the 470kw Super Wagon).
So it’s a fan boy car, a hoons delight and perhaps a track day specialist. But can you still use it like a wagon?

Cue my mum.

She’d been pestering me for a few weeks to go to the horror that is Ikea to exchange a table. When the opportunity to drive the Super Wagon came up, I decided that getting her to drive it to Ikea was the perfect way to see whether the Super Wagon could be a functional car for a senior. (Non disclosure: my mum will not reveal her age. Let’s just say north of 65, but south of 80)

She hated it. Even with the user friendly reversing camera and super adjustable driving position, she was not a fan. Too big, too fast, too loud, too, too much. She held that view until we had to go BACK to Ikea (missing parts!), where a bigger item was bought instead and the Super Wagon took it all in its stride. She still didn’t like the noise and the kerfuffle it seemed to produce. It wasn’t all negative; she was well pleased when I burnt my leg on the protruding exhaust while loading damn Ikea boxes into the Stupid Wagon. So heightened was her joy, the words “Thank you God!” came forth- as they have many times before when I’ve suffered 2nd degree burns.

So that was a write off. Next project- can it be a family wagon? Loaded up the SW with 20 month old boy and 4 month pregnant wife and drove to Torquay to visit family. The drive was unexceptional and on arrival of me part (read: a lot of me) wanted some local hoons to notice the sleeping giant (they didn’t) and in the end I had to explain to my cousins just why the Super Wagon is, well… Super.

The Boy liked it- he tends to spend a lot of time in the front of cars when they are parked just testing the horn and turning everything within reach on so that Daddy gets an awesome surprise when he turns the key. My wife had a drive, noted that it was “maniacal” and that one drive would be more than sufficient.

And that was that. I realised what I had was my toy masquerading as a useful household implement. Many years ago, I hotted up the family lawn mower for a school project. I got a B on the project, but an A with the local kids. My over revving, blue smoke blowing and LOUD as hell lawn mower was the talk of the town. But it was next to useless as a lawn mower from that day forth. It tended to tear rather than neatly cut.

So too the Super Wagon. There would be no double parking out the front of an exclusive private school while the oh-so-embarrassed kids jump in. Just trying to creep away would set off the car alarms of every X5, Subaru and Mercedes wagon within a 10km range.  Dogs would howl, small children cry uncontrollably and old folk tut-tut about the hoons in the neighbourhood.

No, if I had the choice, I’d get the sedan version for me, and leave the wagon duties to a slightly less frisky workhorse.