What was the one thing that was easily the greatest smudge on the impeccable report card of human history for the 20th Century?
The senseless & gruesome genocide that occurred during WWII? Nein.
The man who humped an Orangutan and caught the AIDS virus, thus spreading it to millions of other poor souls? Close, but again, no.
It was of course, the fact that George Lucas' cinematic masterpiece
Return of the Jedi cops a lot of shit for being too cute due to the introduction of those fluffy little darlings, the Ewoks. I mean, look at them!
Only a Nazi or a man that hooks up with Orangutans could not melt under their gaze.
Not only were Ewoks brain-explodingly cute, but they could paaaaaartaaaaaay harder than Andrew WK crossed with Prince Harry. Here's proof:
I remember the first time I saw that movie: I was 2 years old and as I sat there in my nappy, I adjusted my glasses, looked around my house and thought, "This house sucks the ultimate shit, thanks a lot parents", and then I soiled my nappy just to spite them.
Fast forward to the present day and I am still soiling myself in disgust that I can't live amongst the trees with my furry friends. That dream is beginning to fade, unlike the carpet that I sit upon when said soiling occurs.
But I am pleased to announce that those self-stooling days are behind me, thanks largely to the
Free Spirit Spheres. And also probably because these shit-protests are really inhibiting my chances of scoring with the ladies.
The spepherical tree houses, designed & built by Tom Chudleigh, are located in an old-growth rain forest in Vancouver Island, BC, Canada and are available for hire all year round. You know what that means - EEEWWWWOOOKKK PAAAAAARRRTTTAAAYYY 365 DAYS A MUDDA FARKEN YEAR SON!!!
On a completely different note - remember how there was that ugly Ewok? Logray was his name. How unfortunate for him. He can't come to the party at my sphere.
THE SPECS - OR "WHAT'S UNDER THE MOTHER FUCKEN HOOD" AS THEY'D SAY IN A VIN DIESEL MOVIE
The spheres are electrically heated, have a basic kitchen and can house 2-3 people comfortably, or 87 people very uncomfortably. The spheres themselves were originally constructed using locally available Sitka Spruce but newer spheres are now constructed using fiberglass and are suspended amongst the trees using a web of ropes, so as to have a minimal impact upon the environment. That's nice of them!
And if any of you are wondering what I do when I need to release the fruits of peristalsis now that I'm rocking the Ewok crib, don't stress, they've covered that too. Behold, the Mushroom Composting Toilet:
Ahhhh... thanks Mushroom Composting Toilet, I feel like I could jump over a rainbow of relief.
Now, if you're the type that likes a challenge of the mind, please click through the image gallery for a happy old game of EWOK OR NOT EWOK, where I show you pictures of things and you have to work out whether that thing is an Ewok or not an Ewok.
Gee I talked about shitting a lot in this weeks blog - sorry about that. You know where I don't talk about scatting? Over on Twitter. Why not go there now and
follow me? It will be a shitty-shit-shit good time!
!!
OTHER LECTURES AVAILABLE BY MR TECHNO1OGY:
Electric Relaxation
Five really bad inventions
Mr Techno1ogy's guide to the holidays
This beat is techno1ogic
This house is better than your house
Guns don't kill people, Mr Techno1ogy does
Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right!
Techno1ogy imitating art
It's not a bird and it's not a plane
So you wanna be a super villain
Beggar's Blues
If I were a rich man
Lazy is as lazy something something meh whatever
Do the Creep
Mmm... Food
Diary of a P-I-M-P
What's the time, Mr Tech?
All the other 2010 Lectures (Super Special)