Friends, please bear with me while I relay to you a story of hardship and courage that may bring some of the more sensitive folks out there to tears.
Last week was a struggle that saw me go through some pretty dark and lonely places - I fried the hard drive on my computer (obvs from waaaaaaaay too much industrial-strength hacking by yours truly) and as such, spent 78 straight hours without access to the internet. I even contemplated using mum's Intel-486 computer, but the moment I saw that her keyboard was missing the M, C & S keys, I knew it was game up for your old pal, Mr Techno1ogy.
At first, I was shocked - how could such a thing happen to ME?? Then I was irritable. Then I got a little bit hungry, so I made a sandwich containing just the bare essentials (ham, cheese, butter, pickles, mayonnaise), such was the sullen state of my mood. Then after the hunger went away, I was overwhelmed with a rage that could have powered a small hybrid car, like a Toyota Prius or maybe even a Honda Insight. I picked up Mum's Intel-486 and threw it at the neighbour's dog, who had been barking for 45 minutes straight. Even though I missed the mutt by quite a distance, it brought instant gratification and I was then able to return back to my normal zen-like mode.
It was then that I vowed that as soon as my Intel Core i5 2500K was up & running again, I would compile a complete list of my fellow techno1ogy users going through their own little melt downs. Oh, and my anger-management counselor said it could be a cathartic way of dealing my "issues", as she puts it. PFFT, WHATEVER. WHAT DOES SHE KNOW, ANYWAY?? NOTHING.
First CCCCCRRRAAAZZZZYYY cab off the ranks is the one that started them all. I have no idea who this man is or what his computer was doing to get him so fired up, so let's just call him "Darren Pavlov" and say that his Excel spreadsheet crashed without him saving it.
I like how "Darren's" co-worker has a little peek at "Darren" going mental over the cubical wall. But while "Darren" just took out his angst on his computer, my main man "Vladimir Fukmisheeto" (name may not be real) from Russia (may not be from Russia) tends to just piff monitors into the nearest co-worker's noggin. TAKE IT AWAY, "VLADIMIR"!
Co-workers. Most of them are complete jerks who deserve some sort of PUNISHMENT IN THE FACE REGION. So next time one pushes you too far, why not just use the nearest keyboard to straighten shit out?
But what if you don't actually
work? What if you just like staying at home, pumping iron and drinking protein shakes? How do you exercise those tech demons then? WITH AN ALUMINUM BASEBALL BAT YOU STUPID FOOL.
Well done, YouTube user, SirTowly:
Speaking of huge monitors, check out this boofhead. To summon the spirit of Walter Sobchak: "DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CHANGE A STRANGER'S PASSWORD ON WORLD OF WARCRAFT?!"
WoW seems to get the kiddies really fired up. It's like it's digital PCP or something. Here's the internet's favourite ADHD patient, Stephen Quire, who in this video attempts to ram a remote up his anus in protest to his mother's decision to cancel his WoW account.
That is how I act when the McDonald's staff tell me I can't order the breakfast menu for dinner. Works every time.
While electronic-self-sodomy is employed as a reaction by the former, we see a very different reaction here in the form of sulking.
Not nearly as effective IMO. In fact, there's something inside me that makes me want that brother to keep on tricking him allllll day long.
I think I know why he was so upset though - this is the guy who he was playing with:
DO NOT DISAPPOINT THE CAPTAIN.
Whilst computers are mostly infuriating, they can also be sneaky, deceptive things. Back in 2007 when most of you weren't even born yet, there was
a "game" on the internets that involved people thinking they were playing a maze game of skill, then that frightening little girl from the exorcist would pop up on the screen and yell demonic messages at you. FÆCES WOULD FALL OUT OF YOUR PANTS AND YOU WOULD HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER.
Here is one small boy playing said game and also doing said fæces in said pants, followed by a tsunami of tears and frowns.
Bummed out by his computer's deceptive trickery, Wally 'Wheelz' Wendows turns his back on the internet forever and instead concentrates all of his energy into his one true techno1ogical love - escalators...
...only to find that they too have deceived him.
On a somewhat related note, there's this...
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAHAaaahhhh wait, what? That guy died?? Well shit...
So there it is. A whole bunch of crazy idiots going mental over a bunch of wires and a metal box. Makes it sound pretty insignificant and pointless when I put it like that. Why the hell do we get so fired up about techno1ogy?? OH YEAH, COS WE LOVE THIS COMPANYEEEESSSSSS!
Ahhh, that's great. I think that's an ideal place to finish. I'm not even going to mention that mental German kid who yells at his computer for 6 long minutes, because that would be totally unnecessary and inappropriate! HUZZAH!
Without meaning to sound all Steve Jobsy, ONE MORE THING: next week's Wonderful World of TechKNOWLEDGEy will be
THE FINAL LECTURE EVER from yours truly. It's gonna be like Oprah, but without cars for everyone or Hugh Jackman braking his flying-fox ride with his forehead.
Oh the memories. I'll never forget skimming stones by the lake, or catching a really, really, really big fish that one time. Oh no, that was
On Golden Pond.
OTHER LECTURES AVAILABLE BY MR TECHNO1OGY:
How to be a woman
How to be a man
This house is better than your house, Part 3
Animals with prosthetics
Humans vs Robots
Humans vs Animals
Oddball Schmoddball, episode 1
The Wonderful World of Secret Rooms
Use your i11usions
The Royal Family hearts techno1ogy
Ordinary people with stupid hobbies
Those were the best toys of my life
Five things the Terminator would rather spend his money on
This house is better than your house, part II
Electric Relaxation
Five really bad inventions
Mr Techno1ogy's guide to the holidays
This beat is techno1ogic
This house is better than your house
Guns don't kill people, Mr Techno1ogy does
Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right!
Techno1ogy imitating art
It's not a bird and it's not a plane
So you wanna be a super villain
Beggar's Blues
If I were a rich man
Lazy is as lazy something something meh whatever
Do the Creep
Mmm... Food
Diary of a P-I-M-P
What's the time, Mr Tech?
All the other 2010 Lectures (Super Special)