First things first - if you came here this week to be lectured about techno1ogy, then tough luck, buddy-boy. Sometimes a fella just needs to step away from the warm & soothing glow of their computer screen and appreciate life. Whilst I was doing this during the week, something dawned on me: US HUMANS KICK ARSE. We totally rule everything!! For example...
Human: "I want to own an orangutan or maybe a baby leopard"
SURE THING! Go right ahead and pick one out!
Human: "I want to fly into space"
SURE THING! Get in that line over there in front of that rocket!!
Human: "I don't want to wear glasses anymore"
SURE THING! Sit down whilst I get my laser gun!!
Human: "I want to chop the head off a cow and get on Four Corners"
Errrr... yeah, maybe we'll have to have a chat about that request...
Basically, us humans have clocked life to such an extent that now we can sit back and concentrate on other things. Things that you can't really file under "life skills". Things that you can't
really put on your resume. Things that are FRIGGEN AWESOME, pretty much. Let's take a look at a few of those people who excel at nothing in particular, shall we?
HINT: Yes. The answer is "yes".
Quick Talk McGraw
Talking fast is a skill that I don't possess. One night I went out to get a Slurpee and on the way there I got stopped by a cop for a routine check. I got so nervous that I couldn't say anything for about 2 minutes & I also pissed myself a little bit. The officer thought I was under the influence of narcotics and hauled me in for questioning. I never did get that Slurpee.
WWoT SUPER SPECIAL BONUS! CLICK THIS LINK AND HAVE A FAST TALK RAVE IN YOUR VERY OWN BEDROOM!!
Clappity McClappo
Ken French, or "Toast" as his 'friends' call him (
read: his dog and the little boy locked in his basement) is the world's fastest clapper. I tried to emulate this feat after watching this video, but I ended up looking like an epileptic seal, so I stopped. Take it away, Toasty!
Snappsy Snapper McSnappo
Now here's a man with a lot of time on his... fingers. This faceless, nameless fellow has issued a $1000 challenge via YouTube to anyone who can snap their fingers quicker than he does. It's comforting to know that people out there are tackling the big issues of the world right now.
Skipsy McRopey
When I was in primary school, there was a program called
Jump Rope For Heart where all the kids used to have to skip for about half an hour every single Goddamn day in a bid to get healthy. Luckily for me though, my teacher was a big fat slob who used to eat sausage rolls INSIDE a hot dog bun while we were supposed to be skipping, so we could get away with pretty much whatever we liked. This guy however, has the ability to lasso a child around the throat from 50 paces if said child is not jumping over rope at a rate of at least 30 revolutions per second.
Freehandy McCirclor
This video is pretty old (YAAAAWWWNNN) but a list of pointless talents would be incomplete without a tip of the hat to high school teacher Alexander Overwijk, winner of the World Freehand Circle Drawing Championship. From what I hear, that competition is more rife with bribing allegations than the World Cross-Stitch Championships, which we all know is OUTLANDISHLY corrupt.
Cheesy McBroken Face
Whilst this last video is not entirely one person excelling at a stupid hobby, it does feature a bunch of people willingly participating in an activity that will no doubt end in tears. Tears drenched in blood and broken bones and maybe even a skid-mark. It is the Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling Race, wherein participants race down a ridiculously steep hill to catch a wheel of cheese and is one Benny Hill theme song away from being the best collection of videos on the internets. I particularly enjoy the 2009 compilation, if only to hear one member of the crowd blurt out some utter words of wisdom at 0:53 - "GET THE CHEESE!"
Well that's it. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going off to practice juggling some toothpicks with my tongue while armpit-farting the tune of Madonna's
Material Girl and balancing on a shovel wearing nothing but some fairy-wings made from the afterbirth of a rare possum from South America. Hey, it's what I do on weekends - DON'T JUDGE ME.
OTHER LECTURES AVAILABLE BY MR TECHNO1OGY:
Those were the best toys of my life
Five things the Terminator would rather spend his money on
This house is better than your house, part II
Electric Relaxation
Five really bad inventions
Mr Techno1ogy's guide to the holidays
This beat is techno1ogic
This house is better than your house
Guns don't kill people, Mr Techno1ogy does
Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right!
Techno1ogy imitating art
It's not a bird and it's not a plane
So you wanna be a super villain
Beggar's Blues
If I were a rich man
Lazy is as lazy something something meh whatever
Do the Creep
Mmm... Food
Diary of a P-I-M-P
What's the time, Mr Tech?
All the other 2010 Lectures (Super Special)