Chicks are always coming up to me asking stuff like, "Mr Techno1ogy, can you please for the good of man, share your wealth of technology knowledge with us?"
I usually retort with something awesome like, "Firstly Mum, don't EVER come into my room again without knocking and secondly, it's pronounced techKNOWLEDGEy". Or this: "Um, hello Aunty Beryl, you're still using dial up. Please don't speak to me until you invent a time machine, go back to 2003 and get a broadband plan", but Aunty Beryl makes amazing Jelly Slice, so I normally end that one with "Just joking", even though I'm not. But, seeing as how I am a giving person, I have decided to do just that and share my knowledge with you. ENTER, THE TECHKNOWLEDGEY...
(cue smoke machine and lasers)
If there's one thing this nerd loves - apart from high-speed internet, Bill Gates, LAN parties, creating viruses, mouse-mats with wrist cushioning, leaving action figures in their original packaging, defeating King Koopa, lightsaber replicas, picking out flaws in movies, home delivery, time travel & Bill Gates - it's feng shui. So this weeks Wonderful World of Techknowledgey is dedicated to maximising the potential of your tech sanctuary. Because after all, what's the point in downloading the Robocop trilogy and having a 52inch flatscreen monitor set up in your bedroom if you're still using one of your Mum's wooden kitchen chairs, right? RIGHT. To help guide you, I have included a Nerd Rating below each treasure judged OFFICIALLY* by Bill Gates! AWESOME.
* May not actually have been judged by Bill Gates.
Space Invaders Couch - guaranteed not to shoot you
Whilst not renowned for ergonomic comfort, this Space Invaders couch shows guests that you know how to have a good time whilst still giving a tip of the hat to the oldskool. It can invade my space any day.
Luke, I am your desk, I mean, Father
If you are fortunate enough to be able to
hack work from your bedroom, this custom Hans Solo desk is a MUST. You don’t want to look unprofessional when you’re working now, do you? (Hint: No, you don't)
Remote Control the size of a shot gun, Yes Please
The other day I rewired our antenna and now on a clear day I can pick up HD stations from countries such as Pakistan, Uzbekistan and most of the other "-stans". Luckily for me, this 50cm kickarse remote exists so I can program them all AND pretend as though I am shooting the telly when changing the channel.
Periodic Table of Elements Coffee Table - get it? Table!
Sometimes it’s easy to go 6 days without sleeping if you’re locked into an awesome battle with someone on Half Life, which is why a kooky coffee table is necessary. Not only can it hold MANY empty cans of Pepsi Max and act as a good footstool, but the simple irony of it being an actual periodic table AND a coffee table has sometimes given me such a high that I’ve lasted another 2-3 days without sleep. True story.
Entertainment Pod - Perfect for 'LOTR' marathon
YAAAAAWN. Hacking mainframes all day is almost as tiring as a Steve Jobs keynote speech. Thank God this Entertainment Pod exists to help defrag your head without having to reboot.
Tron Bike - ride this now, 20 years later become "The Dude"
OH SHIT. I’ve just finished my last can of Pepsi Max. Mum’s wheelchair needs recharging so she can't/won’t go get me some more. I KNOW! I’ll just nip down to the store on my street legal Tron bike. Problem solved, the balance of the feng shui has been restored.
So there it is. Apply these simple lifestyle changes and before too long, your milkshakes will bring all the boys to the yard*.
*Where 'milkshakes' refers to 'technology' and 'all the boys to the yard' refers to 'Darren & Steve from down the road, who will come over to check out your new gadgets".
Check back next week for more from the Wonderful World of TechKNOWLEDGEy, or else I will
hack into your system and steal all of your technology be very sad.