Humans vs Robots

So last week we established that The Humans were the best species on Earth. It was a wonderful battle and while The Animals put up a gallant fight, our massive brains and awesome skillz won out in the end. I didn't even have to mention our opposable thumbs, nor the fact that we invent cool shit like umbrella shoes:



Yes, umbrella shoes. Not only is surviving such a non-issue for us, but we also find time to make umbrellas so our feet-clothes don't get wet.

But what happens when our greatest invention ever - The Robots - decide that doing our vacuuming is not their cup of tea and would rather have a bit of a tanty instead? Would they crush their creators or could we send them to the scrapheap?

So once again, let us find the true Masters of the Universe in this 3-on-3-head-to-head-mano-a-mano-winner-takes-all-including-the-kitchen-sink-battle-to-the-bloody-end-am-I-done-with-the-analogies-yet-yes-I-am-oh-good-let's-get-on-with-it-then. FIGHT!

ROUND 1 - STEPHEN HAWKING vs HAL 9000



First up for the battle of the brains is my main man from Cambridge, the boy with the golden smile, Dr Wheels of Steel, Mr Typey McTypo himself, STEEEEEEEEPHEN HAWWWWWWKING! Even though Hawking has eons of theories about the history of the universe and has way more brains than most of the people I know put together (not including myself), the poor fella somehow managed to be on the end of some nasty bullying by his nurse/wife Elaine Mason until they divorced back in 2006. Apparently she used to change his computer font to Comic Sans just before he had to do important lectures. I made that up actually. Please don't sue me, Elaine Mason's lawyer.

The equally nimble Representing the Robots is the equally nimble computer-brain from THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME AND IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT OR DON'T LIKE IT THEN PLEASE LEAVE MY ARTICLE RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT, YOU FILTHY LIAR Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL-9000. While there were rumours going around that HAL's name was based on a one-letter shift from the name IBM (TICKTICKTICK), that turned out to be a total coincidence. What isn't a coincidence is his ability to do in a human whilst in space. Signature moves include not opening the pod doors upon request, killing crew members whilst in hibernation and being the worlds most menacing Peeping Tom.

VERDICT - DRAW!
OH GOODNESS! A technical draw! HAL tries to out brain Stephen Hawking by shutting down his computer system, but Dr Wheels of Steel is able to use his immense brain power to block him out. HAL's only weak point is by unplugging his control booth, which the wheelchair-bound Hawking cannot switch off! Judges call this battle to a halt after 2 hours of the two competitors just staring at each other.
HUMANS - 0; ROBOTS - 0.

ROUND 2 - BRUCE WILLIS vs THE TERMINATOR



Reppin the humans for Round 2 - The Battle of the Brawn is none other than Bruce "Yippee ki yay" Willis. I'm pretty sure I've never seen a movie in which Brucey Boy has EVER been killed.  Well, apart from ALL of The Sixth Sense, but hey, as a ghost, the man still doesn't know how to die.

Entering the ring for the Robots is the T-800 robot from The Terminator franchise. I just need to get one thing straight - this is a robot, made of metal and stuff. He uses guns like I use KFC refresher towelettes. He comes from the FUTURE, so if he fails, then any idiot from the FUTURE can just send another one back and kick some more arse, right?? HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT A ROBOT, MADE OF METAL AND WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE FUTURE, WOULD NOT TEAR APART A STUPID HUMAN, MADE OF MEAT??

VERDICT - ROBOT WINS!
Logic prevails on this one. While Bruce "NEVER DEATH" Willis gives me a bit of movement in my man-pants, it's not enough to make him impervious to a friggen robot from the future. With mad guns skillz. And a Harley. And some roses, to fill a contractual agreement that Guns 'n' Roses' management had with their recording company.

HUMANS - 0; ROBOTS - 1.

Oh well, back to living in Christina Hendricks' breast, Bruce Willis:

 
ROUND 3 - JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME vs EVIL BILL AND EVIL TED



Waltzing into the ring for the humans is none other than Jean-Claude Van Damme, AKA The Muscles from Brussels, AKA The Greedy Belgian With Too Many Names for the battle of the... um... ahhh... The Battle of the... um, Stupids?? Yeah, that will do. Jean-Claude's resume is loaded with stacks of really, really, really* useful survival skills (*not really), like doing the splits, eating rattle snakes and having swivelly hips while dancing:



Now that song will be in your head for the next hour.

Entering the ring for the Robots are none other than Evil Bill & Evil Ted from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey - a film that surprisingly gets 5.8 on IMDB. 5.8? Really?? I'd give Schindler's List 5.8, MAYBE. And that's pretty much only for all the cheeky boob shots in the *spoiler alert* 'shower' scenes.  Here's a true story: last month I read Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey and guess what? IT WAS TERRIBLE. These guys really sucked at simple tasks, like, "Kill Bill & Ted", or, "Be good at acting".

VERDICT - HUMAN WINS!
The judges deliberated for a long time here, and eventually came to the decision that one JCVD was as dumb as two robots from the future. WIN BY DEFAULT!

HUMANS - 1; ROBOTS - 1.

UH-OH! THIS WAS UNPREDICTABLE! Looks like we have to go to a forth round - THE BATTLE OF THE SEXY THINGS!

ROUND 4 - BEYONCÉ vs DAFT PUNK



Beyoncé will be a tough one to beat, because she is perfect in every way, including her signature. In fact, after seeing her performance at the Billboard Music Awards earlier this year, I'm beginning to doubt whether she is in fact human...

Up against the only person from Destiny's Child that can sing are the uber cool French music machines that are more commonly known as Daft Punk. Most people think that they are human. NON MONSIEUR!! According to that one that wears that colourful helmet, "We did not choose to become robots. There was an accident in our studio. We were working on our sampler, and at exactly 9:09 a.m. on September 9, 1999, it exploded. When we regained consciousness, we discovered that we had become robots."

VERDICT - ROBOT WINS!
Well this is a strange result. As it turns out, Beyoncé peeled back her face to reveal a computer hard-drive with laser eyeballs. Meanwhile, the Daft Punk "robots" took off their helmets and there stood two cowering Frenchmen pleading with the R&B-Bot not to vaporize them. I'm pretty sure one of them urinated himself a little bit. WEE-WEE MONSIEUR!!

And with that, all the robots in the world jumped up onto the dance floor and started doing "The Human", which was a very popular dance move at the time amongst the robot community.

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OTHER LECTURES AVAILABLE BY MR TECHNO1OGY:
Humans vs Animals
Oddball Schmoddball, episode 1
The Wonderful World of Secret Rooms
Use your i11usions
The Royal Family hearts techno1ogy
Ordinary people with stupid hobbies
Those were the best toys of my life
Five things the Terminator would rather spend his money on
This house is better than your house, part II
Electric Relaxation
Five really bad inventions
Mr Techno1ogy's guide to the holidays
This beat is techno1ogic
This house is better than your house
Guns don't kill people, Mr Techno1ogy does
Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right!
Techno1ogy imitating art
It's not a bird and it's not a plane
So you wanna be a super villain
Beggar's Blues
If I were a rich man
Lazy is as lazy something something meh whatever
Do the Creep
Mmm... Food
Diary of a P-I-M-P
What's the time, Mr Tech?
All the other 2010 Lectures (Super Special)