Humans vs AnimalsYou know what?? I am friggen sick of of idiots banging on about the innate evil & greedy ways of humans. Like I mentioned a few weeks back, us humans kick arse at living and should be awarded with some sort of prize of recognition of awesomeness by the Global Association of Animals.
But alas, that association does not exist. And if it did, then no doubt us humans would have to organise it. Typical.
Then the monkeys or the the kookaburras would stir up trouble saying that it was rigged once we won said award. Even more typical.
So are we humans the best animal on earth? As I sit here at my Darth Vader Workstation perusing the wonders of the internet, dressed in my Indiana Jones PJ's, whilst slowly sipping at my Choc-Ice Up & Go (I'm dieting for the ladies at the mo), I scream a resounding, "YES YOU FOOLS, OF COURSE WE ARE."
But, like everything else that I already know the answer to, these sorts of things need proper research to be qualified by a panel of jerks wearing white lab coats. That is why I have devised this Street Fighter-esque battle to the end.
Three of their best vs Three of our best. A battle to the end. A duel to the death. A cliché about fighting in a ring or something until someone wins.
ROUND 1 - COUNT DANTE vs AFRICAN LION
First up for the humans is certified nutter & martial arts expert from the 60's, Count Juan Raphael Danté. Count Danté claimed he could do extraordinary feats such as Dim Mak, the technique that can kill using seemingly less than lethal force targeted at specific areas of the body, AKA The Touch of Death. Along with killing people with a touch, he was quite impartial to cape wearing, dabbled in voodoo and would often walk his pet lion around Lake Michigan. Oh, did I mention he was also a FRIGGEN HAIR STYLIST FOR PLAYBOY BUNNIES?? No? Oh, well he did that too.
Fighting Count Danté today is the AFRICAAAANNNNN LLLIIIIOOOONNNNNNNN! Weighing in at just under half a tonne, this handsome beast is made for ruining your day! Equipped with giant fangs, uber quick speed and razor sharp claws, the lion kills about 70 humans in Tanzania per year. YIKES!
VERDICT - HUMAN WINS!
The fact that Count Danté HAD a pet lion goes to show that not only could he not be killed by one, he made one his bitch. He also was a hair stylist. UM, HELLO?? TAME THAT MANE THANKS, HERMANO. One to the humans.
ROUND 2 - JESUS CHRIST vs KING COBRA
Our Savour, the Son of Christ - or JC to his friends - was nailed to the cross way back in the day, so we know our boy can take a thrashing. Also known for dabbling in a bit of voodoo himself, JC is THE party starter every time he changes tha water into tha wine. You're always welcome to my next LAN party, JC.
Slithering into the ring to battle the son of God is none other than the King Cobra! Sure, there are probably more lethal snakes out there, but for scaresies sake, the King Cobra can puff his ears out and look totes scary. Can he out manoeuvre the Big Man though??
VERDICT - ANIMAL WINS!
WOH. DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING. Apparently JC got a dose of the flashbacks and thought he was battling it out against Beelzebub himself and decided to GTFO. Cobra wins by default! Humans: 1 - Animals: 1.
ROUND 3 REGAN FROM THE EXORCIST vs DEATH STALKER SCORPION
Lucky JC didn't stick around for this battle, as we see the most terrifying 14 year-old girl in the world, Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist, crawl into the ring backwards with her head doing 360's. She's holding what looks to be a crucifix and I can't quite make out what she's doing with it... OH MY GOSH, IS SHE...??? LET'S MOVE ON.
Battling it out for the animals is a beast that looks like it was created by a 10 year-old boy who is trying to gross out his sister, while having a name that sounds like a lame metal band from the nineties - it's the Death Stalker Scorpion! Little Ray-R better watch out for this little tank, as a bite will not only cause horrific pain, but also fevers, coma, seizures, and even death. KAPLOW!!
VERDICT - DRAW!
Regan went in for her signature move of drowning her opposition in a deadly combination of urine and vomit, but as soon as her little yellow eyes met Mr Scorpion's little yellow eyes, it was true love. The couple then walked off, hand in claw, whispering sweet nothings to each other and made out in the disabled toilets for an hour. AAAAWWWWWW!
Well, now we're forced to go into a tie breaker!
ROUND 4 - BATTLE OF THE FUNNY GUYS - BILL MURRAY vs HYENA
Peter Venkman. Steve Zissou. Bill 'Mother Fucken' Murray. Word on the street is that once he was invited to a frat party, came along, did all the dishes, made with the funnies to anyone who'd listen, then went on his merry way. The man can do no wrong. Apart from Garfield. And Space Jam. Oh, and Garfield 2.
Stankin up the Animals corner is none other than the cheeky old hyena. Here's a fact you may not know - did you know the hyena is actually part of the feline family, despite looking like my neighbour's mangy dog that should have been put down 5 years ago? NO YOU DIDN'T. STOP PRETENDING TO KNOW EVERYTHING. Here's another thing you might not know - hyena's lack scent glands. "So how do they mark their territory?", I hear you ponder. Oh, you know, the normal way - BY SECRETING A WHITE PASTEY LIQUID FROM THEIR ANUS THAT SMELLS LIKE BOILING CHEAP SOAP OR BURNING. Yes, really. Yum.
VERDICT - HUMAN WINS!
Any being on this earth that can weild a Proton Pack and not cross the beams gets an instant win in my book. What's the hyena done for anyone lately? NOTHING. They just sweat out some stinky Clag from their dot and laugh a lot. If those life skills are on your resumé, then you can go straight to #1 on my list of "Things I don't want anything to do with in my whole, entire life."
And with that, the humans took an unassailable lead and won the Award for Awesomeness presented by the Global Association of Animals.
WELL DONE HUMANS!!
NOW LET US NOW JUMP FOR JOY AT OUR EXCELLENCE!!
OTHER LECTURES AVAILABLE BY MR TECHNO1OGY:
Oddball Schmoddball, episode 1
The Wonderful World of Secret Rooms
Use your i11usions
The Royal Family hearts techno1ogy
Ordinary people with stupid hobbies
Those were the best toys of my life
Five things the Terminator would rather spend his money on
This house is better than your house, part II
Five really bad inventions
Mr Techno1ogy's guide to the holidays
This beat is techno1ogic
This house is better than your house
Guns don't kill people, Mr Techno1ogy does
Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right!
Techno1ogy imitating art
It's not a bird and it's not a plane
So you wanna be a super villain
If I were a rich man
Lazy is as lazy something something meh whatever
Do the Creep
Diary of a P-I-M-P
What's the time, Mr Tech?
All the other 2010 Lectures (Super Special)
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