Since the dawn of time, nerds have been oppressed & weighed down by gravity. When I saw the Empire Strikes Back for the first time, it occurred to me that the only thing standing in the way of me becoming the greatest Jedi Master of all time was stupid gravity. Obviously the gravity on Earth is much stronger than that of the ice-planet Hoth, which gave Luke an unfair advantage to
fetch his lightsaber in time to kill the Wampa - a feat I have tried and failed here on Earth when the neighbours dog had me bailed up in a tree for five hours last summer. Furthermore, after watching the Matrix for the first time and filled with the belief that life was not what I perceived it to be, I tried to jump from my roof to the house over the road and
like Neo (the doubter), I failed and landed on my throat (yes, it's possible).
Both times I was left waving my fists in rage at Newton & his stupid laws of physics. But until Bill Gates can program a weightless society, we are left to struggle through life using our muscles (sssssssnore). Bad luck for my mum too I guess, because after seeing the sores on her upper thighs from being in that sweaty old wheelchair 24-7, she could really use a bit of an airing out in a zero gravity environment. You can't begin to fathom the stench that comes from those sores. No way am I putting on her cortisone cream on them EVER AGAIN. She'll just have to spread some on a wooden spoon and reach them that way.
Fortunately for us however, there are a few pioneers in the world of zero gravity gadgets that have made basic day-to-day tasks that little bit easier. ON WITH THE TECHKNOWLEDGEY!
Floating Bed
Could you imagine how much shit you could stuff under this floating bed for when guests come around to play WoW?? You'd practically be able to see the floor! But I suppose at a price of EU€1,200,000 each, you could probably also afford to have a cleaner, making the need to stuff things under your bed redundant.
AirBoard
Woh! Check out the rad air this dude gets! He got like, a whole inch off the lip! Lucky he's wearing a helmet. Still, this would be handy to get to the local 7-Eleven for when I run out of Pepsi Max.
The Balancing Barn
Despite this being a barn, I'd recommend holding off any barnyard dancing for fear of toppling the whole friggen house over. That would be embarrassing, hey? And yes, that is a child swinging from the bottom of the house. GET OUT FROM THERE KID, YOU'RE STUPID, THAT COULD TOPPLE AT ANY MINUTE.
Whilst not entirely a zero gravity gadget per se, this thing does float. And floating in an aquatic pad with a bevy of women whilst listening to
Ennio Morricone soundtracks from the 70's would make one feel somewhat like James Bond, and that is always welcomed with open arms. Well, the last 5 minutes of a James Bond movie anyways, I don't want to do all skiing down snowfields while being shot at or the likes.
Neuera Skycar
FINALLY. Jesus Christ, people have been promising flying cars since the Jetson's first came to life. It would be a bitch to park though.
Cloud Sofa
While this is just a concept at this stage, I would personally like to contribute all of my life savings toward this being made. So who do I make this $51.24 cheque out to and when can I pick up my Cloud Sofa?
But as I sit here sipping away at my warm bottle of Mountain Dew, I reflect on the words of my Year 9 Maths Teacher, Mr Robertson, who used to constantly say to the class, "Always try and find positives in every negative". He died later that year from a brain tumor, which proves that no amount of positive thinking can help stop abnormal growths the size of a large grapefruit in yer noggin. Nevertheless, I still try to look on the bright side of life every now and then, even for the most burdensome of life's challenges - like gravity. Cos at the end of the day if we didn't have gravity, then videos like this next one would cease to exist. And that my friends, would be a damned shame.
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OTHER LECTURES FROM MR TECHNO1OGY:
I Got 99 Problems But A Couch Ain't One
Don't Sweat The TechKNOWLEDGEy
Hollywood has a lot to answer for
He Hardly Works Hard For The Money
The Wonderful World of SPORT!
Gadgetz Paradise