Facebook: mistaken breasts... entire country unfriends FB

Facebook—for many of us it is the only reason we use the internet (at work). I liken it to reading the yellow pages—you spend 10 minutes thumbing through bullshit but every now and then, something pretty catches your eye!

Facey is the only way to ‘internet’ with my family.

I like to ignore Facebook news (it’s always in the news) but this week, interesting shit has happened:

FB threatens your rights: forward to 7 people in the next hour

Earlier in the week we saw n00bs reposting a copyright hoax in their Facey statuses. Some bright spark (and perhaps they are bright because their bullshit went super viral) invented a chain post that played on our greatest fear: surrendering the rights to pics of us drinking and vomiting, all our pouty-est selfies and pics of our cats. Facebook promptly knocked that shit on the head:

You retain the copyright to your content. When you upload your content, you grant us a license to use and display that content." Indeed, the Berne (not "Berner") Convention, which governs copyright in almost every country, mandates that copyright be automatic; i.e., registration, or copied-and-pasted status updates, aren't required.

The hoax was as believable as those ones that finish with, “… or you’ll never get into heaven and the angels will shit on your face if you try!” (FYI: I’m paraphrasing)

Elbow mistaken for boob: FB mods

FB has moderators that scour through its users’ photographs looking for soft-core porn? WHERE CAN I SIGN UP? SURELY I CAN TELECOMMUTE FROM AUSTRALIA—WE HAVE A (sic) NBN!

At about the same time we had n00bs perpetuating copyright myth, Facebook was removing a photograph of a bathing lady with a massive breast hanging over the side of her bathtub. Or at least it looked that way to a moderator. Nay, it was no boob, Facebook admits, it was merely the soapy, glistening point of a lady’s elbow. They apologised, “We made a mistake and sent an apology to the original poster.” What’s next FB—a knee mistaken for a schlong?

Anyway, none of the following headlines made the cut, as they were all so vulgar:

The boob gets ‘booked
(Don’t) show us ya tits
Pointless posting toplessness, ain’t tit?

Worst post ever

This is not the future we imagined! Parents, Judith and James Jackson, were informed of their daughter Jasmine Benjamin’s death only after a friend sent condolences via Facebook. Imagine: 1. Toby would like to share birthday calendars with you. 2. Bronwyn wants to play Bejeweled. 3. Sorry about your child’s death.

Never-logging-in-again.

The parents are obviously a bit distraught. According to The Huff, Jasmine may have been dead for up to 15 hours. Fellow students claim they thought she was just napping whilst on a break from study. Police are now treating Jasmine’s death as a homicide.

One day we’ll be hard-wired to some form of (state-controlled) social media service: “Your friend just died! Choose from these fresh flowers. You look great in black—click here to accessorise for that funeral.”

Fake Jetstar Facebook page

Who knew it would be this easy to fake an airline on Facebook? One prankster did just that by creating a fake Jetstar page and attracting real customers with their real questions and complaints. Some of the Fakestar responses were brilliant:

What’s the bet this person has worked in customer service before? Jetstar is currently working with Facebook to get [the issue] resolved."

Tajikistan: When a whole country unfriends Facebook

According to Tajikistan’s Office of Telecommunications chief, he has, “… received many calls from citizens of Tajikistan asking [him] to shut down this Facebook as FB a hotbed of slander. Unknown people there insult the leaders of the state. They are apparently being paid well for that.” As of Monday, ISPs and mobile carriers in Central Asia’s poorest country closed off all access to Facebook. The real gold in this story can be found in Beg Zukhorov’s, the Office of Telecommunications chief’s, comments:

“My phone has literally exploded with calls from grateful citizens who happily greeted the news of the closure of the site, and only a few will see this as a negative step.”

“Does Facebook have an owner? I’d like to speak to him. Let him come to Tajikistan. I will meet with him during office hours.” LOL. And sorry, I can’t help but read these with a Borat accent. At this point in time, Facebook has no comment on the situation.

profile of Chuck Kolyvas