UK burgers now enhanced with terrifying monsters - 10 Things

In what would be an awesome trend that everyone should immediately adopt, a very miffed Iran have announced a plan to make their own version of Ben Affleck's thriller Argo, about American hostages held by Islamist forces in Tehran in 1979, in order to a) counter what they see as lies and distortions, and b) amend some of Affleck's directorial decisions. "The draft of the movie, Setad Moshtarak [The General Staff], has been approved by [Iran's] art centre and… can be an appropriate response to distorted movies such as Argo," Iranian actor and filmmaker Ataollah Salmanian has told the media. "Also, we really see it opening with a huge crane shot so you get a proper sense of space, then BAM! Close up on me, and then I lip sync to Bacarra's 'Yes Sir, I Can Boogie'. It'll be like Trainspotting, but more so. We'll see who has the most Golden Globes then, Affleck."

They eat horses, don't they? At least they do in the UK, where "equine and porcine DNA" has been found in burger meat tested in Ireland and the UK. It's led to the major retailers yanking their beef products off the shelves amid suggestions that suppliers in Spain and the Netherlands are augmenting their product with the cheaper and illegaller horseflesh, although we think that this information points to another, far more terrifying conclusion: a terrifying horse-cow-pig hybrid is stalking Europe's proud abattoirs. Pitchfork and flaming torch manufacturers, your concerns about the Eurozone are about to vanish!

As the gun control debate rages in the US and Obama tells gun manufacturers that if they think a few cosmetic changes to their weapons will allow them to sneak around the ban then they've got another thing coming, the NRA have demonstrated that they really grasp the tenor of the times with an iPad shooting game for kids (mere days after releasing a statement about how violent video games are to blame for gun violence, adorably) and a new ad that asks the question "Are the President's kids more important than yours? Then why is he skeptical about putting armed security in our schools - when his kids are protected by armed guards at their school? He's just another elitist hypocrite." Yes, like every President since the formation of the CIA, Obama and the rest of the "first family" has hypocritically been assigned a security detail - principally because a whole lot of nuts have guns in the US and get all hot-headed about things with no rational justification, NRA. 

Ah, rappers: they're so hard and anti-authoritarian! Gunplay, drug cartels, pimping (which we're assured is not easy), and now the ultimate… um, pushing old ladies over. Melbourne's Mr Morgz - known to his mum as Corinthian Morgan - has proved that he's basically the Australian version of 50 Cent, except that instead of surviving a gang-related shooting, he attacked a 70 year woman, pushing her to the ground after trying and failing to steal her car before scampering off with her handbag. Police are currently seeking this seething ball of hardcore machismo, possibly to get tips on how to be more cool and masculine.

Two people are dead after a helicopter hit a crane in London, spun out of control and explosively crashed during rush hour near Vauxhall Station, just south of the Thames. The pilot and passenger did not survive, but it's amazing there wasn't more collateral damage given the time and location. 

Things are still not all totally OK forever in Mali: a joint force of African nations is currently being put together, Oceans 11 style, to bolster the flagging Malian and French forces who are failing to stop Islamic rebels who now control two-thirds of the country and are advancing on the capital - but there is resistance in the form of… um, OK, musicians. Yes, with music being banned by the rebel forces under sharia law, the annual Festival in the Desert has been cancelled and Malian artists are banding together to protect their heritage and history, including a televised demonstration where they sang protest songs, not to mention a call for unity in Fatoumata Diawara's 'Peace', rush released this week and recorded with a cast of Malian music legends. How these songs hold up to automatic weapons fire remains to be seen. 

Thinking of popping over to Western Australia's beautiful town Kalgarin, jewel of the barren south about 300kms east of Perth? Well, it's basically not there anymore: a freak storm hit the town last night and pretty much tore everything to bits. "Every building has suffered damage, with most of the roofs blown off," Kondinin Shire CEO Peter Webster told the ABC, though he did decline to reveal what sacrifices to the angry weather gods the town had failed to observe. 

Sanity has prevailed: hot on the heels of the cloures of HMV and Blockbuster in the UK, locally Vodafone have announced that they'll be closing down all of their Crazy John's chain next month. They'd bought the chain in 2008 from the widow of founder John Ilhan and are now planning to close most of the 60 stores around the country. We knew this whole "mobile telephony" thing was a phase.  

Bad news for anyone wanting more awesome official US government responses to calls for the building of Death Stars: the White House has announced they'll be raising the threshold of the number of signatures required for petitions at the We The People site from the current 25,000 to 1000,000. This means that exactly one current petition requires a response, and it's a great one: a call to have the Westboro Baptist Church (aka the God Hates Fags people) legally recognised as a hate group. Suggesting something of a theme, it turns out that the next most popular is a petition calling for the Westboro Baptist Church to have its tax exempt status investigated. Couldn't happen to a nicer organisation. 

And finally, great news for lovers of briefly popular novelty hip hop singles made by children in 1992: Kriss Kross are back, baby! Yes, Chris “Mac Daddy” Kelly and Chris “Daddy Mac” Smith, the backwards-clothes-wearing tykes who had a hit with 'Jump' and… um… have announced they are playing at the 20 year celebration of their old label, So So Def, in Atlanta next month. Rumours that they'll be premiering some of their darker, more experimental material at the show have been dismissed by a band spokesperson as being "wiggidy wiggidy wack". 

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