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The Oompah-Loompah uprising has begun - 10 Things

Happy International Hangover Day, everyone! It's time to raise your head gingerly from the pillow, run your tongue around your parched mouth, curse the fact that the tap with water in it is all the way out in the kitchen, and recite the traditional 1 January prayer "Dear God, I can't remember a thing after the tequila came out - where's my phone?" And as you check through your sent messages and Facebook status updates with growing horror, let's see how the rest of the world is doing.

The Oompa-Loompah revolution has begun - and, as predicted in the Domesday Booke and, to a lesser extent, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it's begun in Norwich. The Guardian is reporting that two men "dressed" as Oompah-Loompahs attacked a man in the street in Norwich, giving him two black eyes and cuts to the face. This is the lawless legacy of your anti-union employment policies, Wonka.

In your face, Croweaters! According to the Sydney Morning Herald, 1.6 million people were perched around Sydney Harbour for the traditional New Years fireworks - which they chose to report as "a population larger than Adelaide's". While numerically true, since Adelaide's population is 1.23 according to the last census (and entirely made of gingerbread, according to Wikipedia), we're excited to note the first big trend of 2013: using Adelaide as an arbitrary baseline comparison!

He meant to say maggot, everyone! People are calling out Charlie Sheen for making a homophobic slur, but he meant to say "Lying bunch of MAGGOT arseholes, how are we doing?" during the opening of his new bar in Gabo, Mexico. Because you know, that's an expression that we all say all the time. Makes perfect sense. Also, as his statement makes clear, "I meant no ill will and intended to hurt no one and I apologize if I offended anyone. I meant to say maggot but I have a lisp." Because lisps make M sounds sound like Fs, as any speech pathologist will tell you.

Kim Kardashian and Kayne West are expecting their first child, as West announced on stage on Sunday night when he referred to her as his "baby mamma". Let the speculation on what the child will be called begin - our money's on either "Kimeetha Starlighte HoneyBunchhh" or "Phil". For consistency's sake, we'd also like to point out that this child will be 0.00000081300813 times as large as the population of Adelaide.

Despite Obama's hopes that a deal would be reached before the midnight deadline, there will reportedly not be a vote in the US Congress in time to stop the US going over the "fiscal cliff", where brutal tax increases and cuts kick in and possibly trigger a recession. In fact, with no deal in place all 800,000 employees of the Pentagon (0.650 times the population of Adelaide) will have to take mandatory leave as of today, which means that if you've always wanted to swipe an official Pentagon stapler, you'll never get a better chance.

And things are looking similarly awesome in Europe, with German chancellor Angela "Li'l Ray of Sunshine" Merkel warning that things are set to suck even more badly in 2013 in terms of the Eurozone not grinding to a complete economic standstill. Her report on the debt crisis is in contrast to the more upbeat assessments of other European leaders and commentators, although it's worth pointing out that Merkel did attempt to leaven her New Years message by punctuating her dire warnings of economic hardship with festive blasts on a vuvuzela.

And the good news just keeps on comin', with the news that in 2012 US soldiers were significantly more likely to have topped themselves than to have died in combat - 303 suicides compared with 212 deaths on active duty. One suggested move to curb this unsettling trend has been getting commanding officers and mental health professionals if they own any personal firearms, which has been opposed by the gun lobby on the grounds that "it could lead to commanders intimidating some individuals into giving up personal weapons". Because if there's one thing that we've learned in 2012 it's that nothing bad ever happens when mentally unstable people are in possession of firearms - isn't that right, Sandy Hook Elementary?

Speaking of the US mental health system, it's done a great job with Erika Menendez - the person who pushed Sunando Sen, a complete stranger, to his death under a subway car in Queens earlier this month. She explained to officers that Sen looked Muslim (for the record, and not that it's relevant to the craziness here, he was a Hindu born in India) and therefore had it coming, something something Twin Towers, and her lawyer was warned "You're going to have to have your client stop laughing" during her arraignment. 

Ian Watkins, lead singer of Welsh superstars Lostprophets, appeared in court yesterday facing charges relating to his alleged plan to rape a child. He and two women were arrested last month, and all three are facing charges that include "conspiring to engage in sexual activity with two children as well as making, downloading and distributing child pornography and accessing "extreme pornography" relating to animals." So that music career may have taken a bit of a tumble, then. Speaking of which, the official band site is now reduced to a single statement from the 19th Dec, "Following charges made today against Ian Watkins, we find ourselves in a state of shock. We are learning about the details of the investigation along with you. It is a difficult time for us and our families, and we want to thank our fans for their support as we seek answers," signed by "Jamie, Lee, Luke, Mike and Stu" - suggesting that Ian's not going to be invited to the next rehearsal. Fun fact: the band have sold around 3.5 million albums worldwide, which works out to just under 2.85 albums for every man, woman and child in Adelaide. 

And finally, Happy New Year to all of our readers - especially those in Adelaide, the Paris of the South, which has a population exactly one time as big as that in Adelaide. Bless you, brave sons and daughters of the mighty Torrens: remain steadfast when the Oompah-Loompahs come! 


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