Ten Questions We’d Like Answered From The Prime Minister
Look, no one would like this AWU scandal to go away more than us here in the media. Do you think we went through years of journalism school, then toiled in the mailroom for years before being demoted to political reporters, just so we could write story after story about something that happened almost two decades ago, something that could only be called a ‘scandal’ if you apply the same semantic generosity we do every time we talk about our ‘careers’? But it’s not quite as simple as you see it from your enviable vantage points atop your high horses. We in the muddy trenches of the press gallery have an obligation, nay, a sacred duty, to dig and probe and fossick until we uncover the truth and hold it aloft, shining like a radiant beacon for all to see and bask in and advertise on.
Believe me, if we could make this issue go away by simply not writing about it any more and writing about, say, literally anything else, we would have done that by now. But if we reporters have a flaw, it’s that we’re truth junkies, and it’s been a very long time since our last hit – we can’t survive on the methadone of two parts innuendo three parts bullshit for much longer. And more than that, if the Prime Minister, as she maintains, wants this to go away, all she needs to do is answer our questions. No, not the ones we posed at her at the two marathon press conferences, or the ones she’s addressed in Question Time, or the ones she’s addressed in any of the interviews she’s given on the subject over her vast political career. Sure, in those she answered some questions but had Woodward and Bernstein stopped after just some questions, then I doubt very much they’d have had the honour of being played by Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford. If the Prime Minister will simply answer the following questions openly and honestly, then we can finally put this issue to bed. Prolly.
1. It Has Been Established That You Visited The Kerr St House on a Number of Occasions – On These Occasions, Did You Bring a Bottle of Wine or A Plate of Something as a Thank You For Their Kind Hospitality?
If so, does this not constitute an inappropriate gift between a lawyer and her client?
If not, do you accept that you behaved like an ungrateful houseguest - the kind who will just swan in whenever she feels like it and hog the TV, even though she’s not paying rent and didn’t even bring a bottle of wine or a plate of something? Do you think these are the kind of attributes that Australians want in a Prime Minister?
2. If You’re So Innocent, Why Is Everyone Still So Cross At You?
Do you think that it’s because Bob Dylan hasn’t written a folk song about you? Do you think a folk song about you by Bob Dylan would be helpful? If so, do you think it would be rude to ask him?
3. Wayne Hem Maintains That He Deposited $5,000 Into A Bank Account In Your Name. Do You Still Have This Money?
If so, are you interested in an alpaca-farm-based investment? Would you like to come to an obligation-free seminar with complimentary refreshments?
If not, did you spend it on purchasing weapons-grade plutonium from Libyan Nationalists? And furthermore, are you aware that this circumstance serves as a minor plot device in Back To The Future Part 1?
4. Can You Categorically Deny That Your Current Partner Has Not Been Involved in Any Scandals?
If we can accept that hair is pretty much an organ, how do you respond to allegations that Mr Matheson has been in the organ harvesting trade for decades?
5. When You Witnessed a Power of Attorney For Mr Blewitt, Can You Be 100% Sure That It Was Indeed Mr Blewitt, And Not A Third Party In Disguise?
It has come to our attention that Mr Blewitt has a moustache – do you not think that makes the possibility of a cunning disguise even more possible, perhaps even more probable?
6. Given That String Theory Postulates The Existence of an Unlimited Number of Universes, How Do You Respond To The Accusation That On The Infinite Plane There Exists a Universe In Which You Behaved Inappropriately in the AWU Matter?
Also, how do you respond to the accusation that there also exists a universe when people have mouths on their feet. Gross as, huh?
7. Why are clouds?
Seriously, Prime Minister, what’s up with those fluffy little characters?
8. Hey, So What Is Even Up With Brody In Homeland?
Like, is he good now? I don’t get it. Wasn’t he, like, totally going to blow up the VP in the last season? Did stabbing him in the hand make in not a terrorist anymore?
Oh, and what’s the deal with Quinn?! I thought he was a good guy then I thought he was a bad guy and then he was good again but Quinn isn’t even his real name and where have I seen that actor before? I want to say that he was in Dawson’s Creek but I looked it up and he’s not.
9. I Wanted To Be A Dancer. What Happened To Me?
I mean, I just don’t ever remember making the decision to be a journalist, you know? It’s as if one day I just opened my eyes to find myself standing at a press conference with a mic in my hand. Was it for my dad? Surely he just wanted me to be happy, though.
10. If There Was No Wrongdoing on Your Part in The AWU Scandal, Why Are We Still Writing About This?
I mean, come on, Prime Minister, think on that for a bit. What would it say about us, if after having all meaningful allegations comprehensively addressed, we’d still be trying to find an angle on this thing? If that were the case, we’d be no better than petulant children, completely unable to acknowledge when we’d gotten something wrong and move on. But that’s ridiculous, because that’s no way to try and save credibility, in fact, it’s doing the opposite. We’d just be doubling down on our own pig-headed disconnection from reality if we did that.