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Statistics confirm butts more popular than boobs - 10 Things

As the US makes stately and heavily-compromised progress toward placing limitations on gun ownership like "let's stop selling weapons to known crazies", said crazies are getting ahead of the pack by buying up ammunition now before them gunnerment folks done try n steal they guns away. In fact, some retailers are claiming they're running out of ammunition despite jacking up the prices (ah, America, you don't miss a trick) and putting restrictions on the amount that customers can buy… which makes them sound JUST LIKE THE DANG GUNNERMENT! Anyway, rest assured that whatever laws Congress pass, the individual basement arsenals of paranoid lunatics remain well stocked for When The Time Comes…

In more positive news, our knowledge of the demography of American porn performers has never been more comprehensive thanks to Jon Millward's detailed statistical analysis of 10,000 profiles at the Internet Adult Film Database - research that's not easy to do, if only for all the bathroom breaks it entails - and his results may surprise you, to the extent that you might ever have wondered what the average porn starlet looks like (5' 5" Caucasian brunette with 34B bra cup), how long the average career in porn is (three years for women, four for men), the average age of a MILF (33) and, most importantly, whether butts or boobs are most popular body parts to reference in a film title (butts, by a landslide). The full breakdown is at his blog, and please wash your hands afterwards.

It's been literally minutes since we gave some more news on Who Wants To Be Employed By The New Star Wars Films, so about time for an update: yesterday it was Harrison Ford and Ewan McGregor, now it's composer John Williams  who did the scores for all six of the movies and presumably has a whole bunch of new ideas lifted from Gustav Holst's Planet Suite that he'd like to take credit for. Seriously, John, the Imperial March is basically 'Mars, Bringer of War'. Jerk. 
It's OK, Venezuela: Hugo Chavez is back, healthy, not dying of cancer in a Cuban hospital and ready to govern. He announced his return in the traditional way that world leaders make important public pronouncements: on Twitter, thanking God and the people of Venezuela in the process, which is nice. Information Minister Ernesto Villegas gave the ringing endorsement that Chavez is "conscious, with full intellectual functions", though his new breathing tube makes speech difficult. Whether he's been enhanced with other cyborg implementation was not made clear, but let's just assume he's basically now a Terminator.

In the papal equivalent of using up your outstanding leave ahead of quitting a job, Pope Benedict's off on a "spiritual retreat" for a bit with a few of his "closest aides". Which can only mean one things: Vatican road trip! W're already planning out the 80s movie pitch: Benedict, several of the highest ranking cardinals and the Pope's old college roommate Kegger take off for one last crazy pre-Easter week of reflection, prayer and partying like it's pre-Reformation! Studios, you know how to contact me.

The National Health and Medical Research Guidelines have been given their first spit 'n polish in ten years, and those hoping that salt, saturated fats and sugar we going to be given the thumbs up… well, you're going to be disappointed. A trawl through 55,000-pieces of new research later and the advice is "listen to your mother: fruit, veges, lean meat and fish, reduced-fat dairy, wholegrain and legumes, you already know this stuff, why are you putting that rubbish in your body, what, you have some sort of death wish?" The big new emphasis is on sugar, with authors claiming that, if trends for obesity continue, 83% of men and 75% of women in Australia will be obese - or, to put a more positive spin on it, well-insulated.

Speaking of which, it's your terrible modern diet that has made your mouth such a filthy, dirty bacteria hole. A paper in Nature Genetics claims that our mouths are basically in a constant state of disease since we got all fancy at the end of the Neolithic age and decided that tearing flesh off the newly slaughtered tiger wasn't good enough for us - no, we had to go develop our la-di-da agriculture. The rise of domesticated crops has lead to a massive increase in the carbohydrates humans consume, and this has in turn lead to an explosion in the oral bacteria we carry around in our faces. Yeah, we want to go brush our teeth now too.

Our dream of being able to defecate together unfettered by politically-loaded concepts like "gender" has moved one step forward today with the news that Brighton and Hove Council in the UK are moving to make toilets unisex, reportedly in order to not discriminate against the transexual and intersex communities. And while there's been the predictable political-correctness-gone-mad bleating, our only objections is both simple and straightforward: guys, do you really want your mum to know what a gents smells like? Exactly.

It's been a while since we talked about Pakistan, but if you were hoping that was because everything was fine now, you may want to brace yourself: a bomb ripped through a market in Hazara Town in Quetta on Saturday, injuring hundreds of people and killing 81. The bomb was hidden in a water tank towed by a tractor, which took out a two storey building when it detonated. Sunni extremist group Lashkar-e-Jhangvi have claimed responsibility for the attack, presumably adding "and so now that'll have sorted out all the differences in interpretation of Muslim scripture we have with the Shiite community, right?"

And finally, let's just bring things back to cute with adorable piglet Chris P Bacon (geddit? Because we kill and eat them!). He was born without hind legs but has learned how to use a tiny wheelchair made by a US vet. Awwww! 


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