Selena h8s Justin sadface emoticon - 10 things
Oh Mitt Romney, you lovable goof. In what was either a technical glitch or a manifestation of the Republican Party's remarkably consistent determination not to let facts derail the progress of his presidential campaign, his Presidential Elect site went live for a bit on Wendesday. The tastefully-blue site contained information about his inauguration, how to work for his White House team and nothing substantive about policy (so, again, consistent). So conservatives might still be railing about how America Has Died, but at least they can take comfort in that for a little while there Mitt was president of the Internet.
It's about as good as it's likely to get for ol' Rombles too since the Florida vote is in and Obama totally won the state - therefore shattering any hope of the Republicans forcing a recount. The peculiar US voting system means that the president needs to win both a majority of the popular vote and at least 270 of the electoral college votes, which are contained within the individual states and a handful of chocolate bars from the Wonka factory. With Florida Obama has 332 college votes and the popular vote, making his victory beyond question – but still questions remain about Wonka's shadowy business practices, possible links with Haliburton and whether or Fizzy Lifting Drinks have FDA approval. Wheels within wheels, people.
Love, as we have already established, is a cruel lie designed to distract people from the cold certainty of death. If love was truly good and noble, then Will Arnett and Amy Pohler would not be divorcing, and Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavinge wouldn't be planning "the most unique wedding that the planet has probably ever seen… [with] a real rock'n'roll edge." But word from US Weekly is that the couple we hoped would take us into a new golden age of plastic-looking Disney-approved hyperbeings, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, have split after two presumably entirely chaste years. Word is that Gomez instigated the split over "major trust issues", but always remember, kids: when two high-profile publicity teams love each other very much and think there are easy column inches to be gained in a tearful reconciliation, anything is possible.
Turn around, bright eyes: on Wednesday morning there will be a total eclipse of the hea… sorry, sun – although only if you're in far north Queensland. Cairns, Port Douglas and Palm Cove are going to have a sweet, sweet view – for the rest of us, however, the Moon is not going to cover the entire solar disc as it goes by. Still, eclipses are pretty darn awesome no matter what, so you should totally get your pinhole camera set up for around 6.39am EST on Wednesday and witness some hot, hot eclipse action.
We've heard you, beloved readers. We've heard your cries and read your desperate blog posts asking the same question, with voices raised as one: what song will be the 2012 equivalent of Rebecca Black's 'Friday'? Well, cease your lamentations: the same genius behind the culture's previous high-water mark, Patrice Wilson, has proved that lightning sometimes strikes twice with 'It's Thanksgiving', and he's even found a new adolescent whose life can be ruined by becoming a pop-culture punchline in the form of Nicole Westbrook. And yes, before you ask: much as 'Friday' educated as well as entertained with explanations about how the week is structured, 'It's Thanksgiving' gives a valuable breakdown on American holidays via "December was Christmas / January was New Year's / April was Easter / And the Fourth of July / But now it's Thanksgiving". Oh, so Jesus-Ween isn't good enough for you for some reason, Westbrook? WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?
In more crazy nerd speculation masquerading as actual news comes word that a "pretty extensive and detailed treatment" for the seventh Star Wars film has already been put together by Michael Arndt, writer of Little Miss Sunshine and Toy Story 3. We just really hope that it's all about the reborn Emperor being in a clone body with another giant superweapon to hand as per the Dark Empire comics, because that was such a great idea. In other non-news, the list of people not directing the film has grown to include Steven Speielberg, while X-Men: First Class director Matthew Vaughan's name keeps getting thrown around - not least because a possible Episode VII job is supposedly what led him to turn down the next X-Men flick.
Look, we like books. We like books a lot. They're full of words and ideas and stuff, and they're good things to have. So we madly applaud the folks from Rotterdam who built their entire house based around this three-story bookcase. Basically the books are one entire wall with the interior stairwell going up alongside it, not only allowing access to books the whole way along but meaning that they can put their artsy tomes and first editions on the ground floor and hide all the Star Trek novelisations safely out of view upstairs. Genius!
Good news, everyone! You know how there was a big mystery about why the Arctic was losing sea ice at an incredible rate, even while the Antarctic was slowly gaining it? Well, data from US military satellites have provided the answer: changing wind patterns. Yeah, we were sort of hoping it would be because global warming was a mistake too. So yes, the Arctic's losing ice astonishingly quickly while bits of Antarctica are accumulating it, but the net result is that a huge amount of ice is being lost into the oceans. So we're all still doomed, but at least we know more about why. Thanks, science!
Former test batsman and beloved television racist Greg Ritchie - yeah, the guy that provided Australian TV with hilarious and not at all offensive Indian stereotype Mahatma Cote - has reacted angrily to reports that he's a racist just because he said some racist things during a lunchtime speech at the Brisbane Cricket Ground on Friday. "That's a joke that I use, and I'll continue to use it," he said of a bit about locking Muslim children in the boot of his car, which is possibly not the most knee-slappingly hilarious premise for a gag. "It's just a little humorous joke to indicate that they're not the favourite people of my choice. If they take offence, that's their choice." We here at TheVine think he's maybe a bit of a racist moron - though if he takes offence, heck, that's his choice.
When people talk about the Jackson family, there's one name that they mention much more than the others: Jermaine. And now the 57 year old is finally doing something about the degree to which his fame and reputation overshadow those of his less-popular siblings like Janet and late brother Michael: he's filed a petition to change his name to "Jermaine Jacksun", because that will fix everything. It's being done for "artistic reasons", obviously, and one Steve Dennis, a friend of Jackson/sun's who was talking to the press for some unfathomable reason, explained that "It’s fair to say that you cannot blame this one on the boogie, you’ve got to blame it on the sunshine,” making exactly the sort of Jackson 5 reference from which Jermaine is now so bravely attempting to distance himself. WHY CAN'T YOU LET HIM BE HIS OWN PERSON, JERMAINE JACKSON'S FRIEND STEVE DENNIS?