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Seeing Stars: December Horoscopes

Max Lavergne consults the stars and tells us what's in store for the month of December.

Aries

You’re obviously struggling with something big, Aries. And if your eyes hurt under direct sunlight, that thing could be lupus - one of the most common symptoms is photosensitivity! Did you know Seal has lupus? And Toni Braxton? Don’t let it get you down. Work with Saturn and start wearing sunglasses outside. Also maybe go to the doctor and get some medicine. I don’t know which medicine, but medicine usually helps!

Taurus

If you're unsure which way to jump re: an important life question, your best bet is not to jump at all. Stay inside. Call a friend and ask them to come over and close your curtains (avoid going near the windows yourself). If you have access to video games, play them. In time, everyone who has expectations of you will lose them: employers, friends, the hot girl at the gym that you’ve been having flirty chats with lately, water and electricity companies... Then you can do what you want.

Gemini

You’re going to hang out with your twin. Again. You should get some other friends, because people already think twins fuck each other and you two are not challenging that impression.

Cancer

Expect to come into some money in December. No, don’t be all, “ha ha what are you talking about I never do that.” I know you do it. The mystical stars which I confer with know you do it. Whatever! It’s fine! Please just make sure you wash the notes before you use them to pay for things. There are some people in this world for whom being handed a jizz-encrusted fiver might be considered foreplay, but they probably live in Germany, and let’s just face it, you are not in Germany.

Leo

This month, be sure to closely examine all the important people in your life. One of them is a high-functioning colony of wasps. Ascertain which one by listening out for a buzzing sound. Can you hear it? Try and figure out where it’s coming from! A great way is to approach people and put your ear against them. If the buzzing is soft from far away and VERY LOUD up close, you have detected them! Now kill them with Raid, before they use your body as a living incubator for their horrid eggs!

Virgo

December is a month of family and celebration, but that doesn’t mean we’re not savage consumers hurtling through a meaningless void on a rock that can’t sustain us and with no possibility of escape. Keep that in mind over the holiday period. Also, maybe put some money on the greyhounds. You have a kinship with greyhounds. You might be able to tell which one will run the fastest and win the race (no promises).

Libra

Unlucky in love? It could be because you keep describing yourself as a “bear” on dating websites. You mean it in the sense that you’re cuddly and non-threatening, like a teddy bear, but a “bear” is also a hirsute gay man. Your friends know the difference, but they haven’t said anything to you because they’re dicks.

Scorpio

This could be the month you finally “get into” horses! You’ve been putting it off for years, blaming the cost of renting a stable, the high price of hay and - most of all - your bad luck at finding a black horse with a white star on its head, just like the horse in that horse book that made you cry when you were just a horse-loving child. Remember, we’re all in the Great Classroom of Life, and you’re yet to learn that some women can be brought to orgasm by riding on horseback.

Sagittarius

If you’re scared of what’s going to unfold for you, ask a friend if your fears are justified. It’s natural to be afraid of the future, given the infinite horrifying ways each of us could die the moment we set foot outside, but that doesn’t mean you’re right! A second perspective could confirm that you’re just paranoid. Or stupid. You could also just be dumb as hell.

Capricorn

Wow. This month is going to be fucking INCREDIBLE for you, Capricorn. For some reason, everyone who’s ever disagreed with you or failed to appreciate your glorious potential has changed their mind. They all think you’re the best now! And they’re very embarrassed that they got it wrong in the first place! Seize the opportunity to gloat, because come January, the stagecoach is turning back into a pumpkin, so to speak, and they’re going to return to their previous convictions with gusto.

Aquarius

If you don't love yourself, how can you expect others to? You might have thought this was a masturbation joke waiting to happen, but it’s actually about your depression. Take down the noose you hung up for “just in case”. Do some fun stuff. I don’t know, whatever you think is fun. It’s different for everyone. I will say this: everyone enjoys masturbation.

Pisces

You’re a fish. What do you want from me? Eat some krills. Stay away from sharks. The usual fish stuff, I guess. 

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