One Direction think school is for jerks and squares - 10 Things

When One Direction listed off what they contend makes you beautiful, one thing they left off the list was "a lack of formal educational qualifications". That's weird, because they clearly hate school and those who attend it, kids: at least, that's the only possible way to interpret the fact that their 2013 Australian tour dates - originally scheduled for September - now begin in mid-October. It's obviously an attempt to make the legions of children that make up their core fanbase choose between them and doing their HSC and VCE exams, which start around the same time. And it's no small thing either, given the number of tweets on the subject that show a desperate need for guidance in spelling and grammar, viz: "moire giving me a heart attack because HSC"? Hey, teachers, maybe you shouldn't leave them kids alone.

Now that the votes have been counted in the Spanish election, Catalonia's big push for independence has gathered steam although the ruling CiU party has ended with 12 less seats than it had. However, this means that Convergència i Unió and its leader Artur Mas will have to form a coalition with the second most popular party, the hardline separatist Esquerra party. Which is all very well and good, but since the Spanish government has said there's no way in hell they're letting the region break away, it's all pretty much academic. So One Direction would hate it, obviously.

It's OK, everyone: Bondi's mysterious red tide has dissipated and you can swim again without wondering what grim horrors such a sign would portend. Yesterday the popular tourist beach decided to pander to Biblical literalists by having the very waters turn the colour of blood, even as those heathen biologists made excuses with their "science" and their "explanations of how harmless algae will bloom like this when nutrient-rich water is washed up from the deeps" when they should have been heeding the dire warnings before their very eyes (and nose, since it stank a bit too). Fred Nile, lift your game: had this had happened in the US they'd have already blamed it on gay marriage. 

Since you're reading TheVine and are clearly a person of taste and discernment, we're going to assume that you're familiar with consistently amazing US satirical paper The Onion, which has been pumping out hilarious fake news for decades now. And every so often other "legitimate" news sources will grab an Onion story from a frenzied piece of Google cherry-picking to bolster whatever crazy (and, typically, religious) agenda they're pushing, whether it's Planned Parenthood's $8 Billion Abortionplex or Harry Potter books linked to rise in childhood Satanism. And in that spirit, they were delighted to have their story "Kim Jong-Un Named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive For 2012" quoted and reprinted in the official paper of North Korea's communist dictatorship, the People's Daily, including this quote from Marissa Blake-Zweibel (who they misspell as "Blake-Zwieber, proving they can't even get their fake facts straight), non-existent Onion Style and Entertainment editor: "He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time." Amazing. Incidentally, previous winners of the Onion's Sexiest Man alive include Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad, convicted fraud Bernie Madoff, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski and fake Onion founding editor T. Herman Zweibel.

He might have resigned from Sesame Street, but don't think that the private life of Kevin Clash, former Elmo muppeteer, isn't still destroying your childhood memories: a third man has appeared accusing him of seducing him in 2000, when said as-yet-unnamed man was 16. As with previous accusers, it appears that he met Clash on a gay chat line and things progressed from there. Gay chat lines? We had the internet in 2000, right? 

You know how every time you go to the airport you see that sign saying not to make jokes about explosives and you think to yourself "hey, that Jetstar chick looks like she could do with a chuckle - I should really give her my tight five about using a mobile phone as a remote detonator for the bomb in my luggage!" Well, continue to damp that impulse down because a) Larissa already has a long-term partner, thank you very much, and is sick of people hitting on her when she's just trying to do her goddamn job, and b) because you will actually get arrested. Alejandro Hurtado learned this on Monday when he decided that the person at the ticket counter at Miami Airport would get a good ol' chuckle out of being told that there was dynamite in his bag, which prompted an investigation by the bomb squad, an evacuation of the concourse and, when no dynamite was found, charges for falsely reporting a bomb at an airport. It's worth adding that the joke was also weak comedically: everyone knows that it's the peanuts that you make jokes about with airlines, not their procedures for dealing with potential terrorism. That's a rookie mistake right there.

News has come to light that the Oxford English Dictionary has been getting lighter each year because - and this is awesome, so I hope you're sitting down - a rogue dictionary editor went on 14 year deleting spree. Yes, Sarah Ogilve discovered this shocking fact during research for her book Words of the World, uncovering the fact that supplement editor Robert Burchfield had been brazenly deleting words from dictionary supplements published between 1972 and 1986 (in direct contravention of the OED's strict policies). Among the words of which our culture has been robbed thanks to Burchfield's cavalier expungemanship are balisaur (an Indian badger-like animal), boviander (a British Guyana word for a person of mixed race living on the river banks) and danchi (a Bengali shrub), all of which could have won you pub quizzes and/or Scrabble games. You might also note with a little discomfort that all the examples are words of non-English origin, which is a little… let's say "colonial". Anyway, the current editors are re-evaluating the words that were Burchfielded, which means that the American English wake-up (a type of woodpecker) may yet take it's place on those proud pages.

If you're moving a little slowly this morning with those mid-week blues and waiting for hump day to end, we have some good news: the Arctic permafrost is melting and we're doomed! Yes, it appears that we're just about at the much-discussed tipping point where the melting of the poles releases trapped methane into the atmosphere which warms the planet which melts the permafrost which releases the methane which warms the planet which melts the… well, you get the idea. The new data from Arctic measurements forms part of the new and terrifying paper Policy Implications of Warming Permafrost, which was tabled at the UN yesterday and makes the cheery prediction that billions of tonnes of greenhouse gases are getting close to being released into the atmosphere, meaning that the current horrifying models of climate change have been off by a couple of orders of magnitude of horror. That oughta put your Wednesday blues in perspective. Speaking of which, did Karen ever bring your stapler back? How many times have you told her about doing that? 

In other life-affirmingly positive news, Egypt is looking set to erupt into a new and exciting wave of violence at the antics of President Mohamed Morsi, who has apparently changed his mind about making the actions of himself and his government entirely above the law, but has retained the power to prevent his government being ousted from power - which seems a little bit dictatory and is making the populace suspect that maybe he's not quite the White Knight of Democracy that he appeared to be when he replaced ousted despot Hosni Mubarak last year. Ah, Middle Eastern politics: you be cray!

But don't let the inescapable realities of the world get you down: enjoy a giggle at this terrifying prank pulled on unsuspecting elevator users for a Brazilian reality show, showing that yesterday's J-horror clichés are tomorrow's hilarity! How do you like them apples, middle aged woman wanting to use a lift? Do they taste like… fear

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1 comments so far..

  • Beavdog's avatar
    Date and time
    Wednesday 28 Nov 2012 - 10:22 AM
    Epic edition, the dictionary thing made my day.
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