North Korean unicorn lair discovered - 10 things
Who's saying what
Sure, we might have mocked North Korea's mix of military threats and inability to understand humour lately, but we're delighted to see that the journalistic standards of the Korean Central News Agency - the media outlet that Fox News scoffs at for transparently making stuff up to placate its political masters - are above reproach. In fact, have reported a story that the rest of the world, frankly, have ignored for too long: we have found the lair of the Korean Unicorns! Yes, it turns out that Pyongyang is the heart of the planet's unicorn-having district - a fact that was not just discovered, but "recently reconfirmed" by Archaeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences. And the evidence that Pyongyang was home to that most mystical of beasts? "A rectangular rock carved with words 'Unicorn Lair' stands in front of the lair". Well, that sounds pretty hard to argue with. Lift your game, western media.
Rejoice, subjects! Rejoice and hold aloft your banners - banners emblazoned with a sperm cell high-fiving its buddies rampant on a field of human eggs - for we have that noblest and most joyful news of all: Prince William has knocked up his missus! Yes, even now Kate Middleton is busy gestating our future monarch, even if it's a girl: the UK government are lobbying the Commonwealth to have all first-born royal offspring recognised as potential monarchs, not just sons, with is a very progressive approach to take with an arcane tradition. So who knows - maybe they can throw in some blood tithes as well. Franklin Mint, get your finest plate artists to work: this might be the career-saver you've been waiting for…
And that's what love should be like, Taylor Swift - a massively orchestrated PR campaign dedicated to protecting irrelevant and anachronistic institutions to continue to absorb power and wealth not due to them in the face of any sort of sense - and hey, to have fun with it too! So rumours that your high-profile romance with One Direction's Harry Styles is nothing but a smokescreen to make your ex - one Conor Kennedy - jealous is, frankly, devastating. Not least because it means that two of our most highly advanced entertainment-units have started developing feelings like "jealousy" and "love" - feelings that are almost… human. Damn the expense - we need to destroy them all before they develop sentience. Team Alpha, execute the Omega Protocol! And for god's sake don't stand upwind of Selena Gomez when you do so: the smell of human fear activates her military programming.
If there's one thing that we can all agree on when it comes to the Simpsons, it's that a) it really started to go downhill after that episode about how Principal Skinner wasn't really Principal Skinner, and b) that it's in league with Satan and dedicated to destroying the hopes of the righteous in Turkey. And that last point now has official backing by the courts since Turkey's television watchdog is fining CNBC-e 52,951 lira (around $AU28,700) for screening last year's Treehouse of Horror Halloween episode, in which Flanders goes on a killing spree after hearing what he thinks is the Voice of God. Oh, that bit was fine, by the way: the problem was the punchline, where Satan asks God to get him a cup of coffee, and God replies "yes sir" - which was obviously an incredible insult and part of the Simpsons' diabolical plan to destroy religion. Fine, great: now, let's all settle down and agree that Marge vs the Monorail is the best thing ever. It was written by Conan O'Brien, you know. Ah, we ALL call the big one Bitey.
Speaking of the Simpsons, they've announced that their bête noire Seth McFarlane, creator of Family Guy, will be doing a guest spot on an upcoming episode in which he plays a married man who attempts to seduce Marge Simpson. Man, this is going to be the lamest crossover since that time that flashback something something pop culture something uncomfortable pause.
It's a bad week for Australian icons finishing up their career. First up, Ricky Ponting played his final test for Australia yesterday, capping off a 17-year career second only to that of Bradman himself. And while it didn't quite finish on Bradman's legendary final innings duck, he didn't go out in a blaze of glory: dismissed for eight runs as South Africa trounced the local boys at the WACA, winning the test series.
Similarly, Rupert Murdoch - everyone's favourite real-life supervillain - has been having a lousy couple of years: the Leveson enquiry into media corruption is grilling a bunch of his former employees, and now the Daily - a magazine launched two years ago exclusively for the iPad - is winding up this week. "Gah, you throw a bone to these new-fangled gizmos and they spit it back in your face," Murdoch probably said before shaking a rake threateningly at the kids on his lawn.
That hissy fit Israel is throwing over Palestine being upgraded to UN observer status we talked about yesterday? Yeah, that's still going on. In fact, right now the Israeli ambassadors in Britain and France are among the first to be asked by their host governments to pop by a cup of tea and a little chat about whether or not they think that, say, rushing settlement plans in the E-1 zone which would deny Palestine access to Jerusalem might inflame tensions rather than settle them. Should all end well though, right?
That huge announcement about the Curiosity rover's discover on Mars has come, and… um… look, if you were hoping for life, maybe it's best you sit down. Curiosity has analysed the soil and "water and sulfur and chlorine-containing substances, among other ingredients, showed up in samples". "We have no definitive detection of Martian organics at this point, but we will keep looking in the diverse environments of Gale Crater," SAM Principal Investigator Paul Mahaffy said while trying to keep a smile on his face in front of the baleful stares of annoyed journalists at NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, presumably before adding "Well, have YOU built the most sophisticated mobile laboratory ever and then sent it to another freakin' planet? No, I'm pretty sure you haven't. Forget this bullshit," dropping his mic and storming out.
And finally, we know that Tuesdays are pretty hard work, so take some time for yourself and enjoy this inspirational tune - a lovingly created parody of 70s children's television - that will hopefully remind you to "enjoy a thing, or go to a place, do the shit outta some stuff today!" Words to live by.