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Magical royal golden child will fix everything in July - 10 Things

It's OK, everyone. Everything's going to be fine in July because that is when the royal baby, who will fix all of the things, will be born. Buckingham Palace have announced that the still-anonymous wonder child gestating in the womb of Kate Middleton will emerge triumphant and ready to take on all of the burdens that face the UK generally and humankind specifically in July, despite calls for it to turn up now because after all what has Britain had since the Olympics, nothing is what. The Child Who Will Make It All OK Again Forever will probably be born on July 1, since that's when its grandmother Princess Diana - the last royal that also fixed all the things - was born and what, does it thinks that it's better than Princess Diana? Who's got the most commemorative plates, fetus? Damn right. You've got a lot of nerve, royal baby.

The mere fact that the Golden Perfect Wonder Child is on its way is already seeing results, with the Eurozone showing signs of recovery due to its gentle influence, and also by the effect of efforts to stabilise the currency. The Euro has gained value against the pound and there are signs that the market is warming to the plucky economic zone, despite its continued recession, with some particularly bold commentators even predicting that Greece might not even have to offer sexual favours to sailors in order to remain solvent any more. Oh, Golden Child, is there no end to your pre-partum power?

So, there's this hip new band that the kids are all digging called The Beatles who are set to release their debut single shortly, again, possibly on every record label in Europe. And why? Because European copyright law on sound recordings lasts for 50 years, and the Beatles' first single 'Love Me Do', backed with 'PS I Love You', has just passed out of copyright. Record companies have been lobbying to get the copyright extended to 70 years, in line with the situation in the US, but it hasn't been sorted out yet - and they've only got until March to do so before the Please Please Me album falls into the public domain, with early records by the Kinks, the Who, the Rolling Stones, the Beach Boys and many, many more also suddenly being up for grabs in Europe. So if you've been waiting to sample that harmonica break for your European dubstep hit but could never afford the royalties, your day has come.

Speaking of which, anyone thinking of driving their housemate to murderous levels of insanity should take inspiration from this video by diabolical madman Rainykauke, who taught his cockatiel Harvey to sing dubstep. That's not going to get old any time soon. 

If you're thinking of travelling to beautiful Beijing today, be advised that the city is currently choking under a blanket of smog - a testament to their rich industry and glorious industrial future! The smog is set to last for at least another day or so and the government have ordered all public service cars off the road and large factories like Hyundai have stopped production for a bit to ease the amount of pollution being belched into the air, with hospitals already filling up with people complaining of respiratory ailments from their subversive lungs' anti-revolutionary cilia. Why do you hate progress, respiratory systems of China?

The magnificent and majestic human head has begun its migration up the west coast of Australia with the news that one - wrapped in plastic and apparently belonging to Perth racing identity Stephen Raymond Cookson, due to appear in court on drug charges - scurried ashore on Rottnest Island last week. Are they sure it's not John the Baptist? Apparently that dude gets around. 

Because Mali are not expecting any magical children with healing powers that can bring a protective shield of goodness and light to their entire nation, it's no surprise that government forces are failing to prevent the forces of an Islamist insurgency from marching on the capital. Rebel forces have taken the garrison town of Diabaly and are heading toward the capital of Bamako, with French military forces admitting that the plucky rebels are made of sterner stuff than they expected. 

So, we're 15 days into the new year: how have you celebrated quinoa? Yes, 2013 is the international year of the sassy Andean pseudocereal that is promising to bring prosperity to Bolivia, and also  possibly starvation and dynamite battles. Yes, despite being one of the most nutrient-packed foodstuff on the planet, the sheer popularity of the must-have goosefoot species of the season means that prices have skyrocketed and pretty much the entire harvest has been earmarked for export: great news for Bolivian quinoa magnates, less good for local folks planning on eating the food. It's also led to explosive disputes between involving competing farmers slinging sicks of dynamite at one another in battles over unclaimed pasture land. Remember that when you tuck into your next salad.

If you're looking for top notch financial advice in this topsy-turvy world, the Observer have advice for you: ask a cat. In one of those cute ain't-complicated-things-absurd-no-one-knows-nuttin types of stories the UK newspaper spent a year comparing the investment advice of three parties - three professional investment advisors, a class of high school kids from Hertfordshire, and a cat named Orlando - gave them £5k to play with and got them to pick stocks (Orlando's picks were determined by where his "favourite toy mouse" landed on a grid). The result? Despite leading for three quarters, the professionals saw a last quarter reduction in value and made a profit of £176, the school kids lost £160, and the cat made £542. The lesson here is clear: get your money the hell out of Hertfordshire.

And finally, you know how if you were travelling at light speed you'd see stars stretched out to streaks of light as per when the Millennium Falcon jumps into hyperspace and stuff? Well, apparently: nope. A bunch of University of Leicester grads decided to have a ponder about this, and worked out that the Doppler effect (where the frequency of a wave coming from an object changes depending on your speed relative to you - the reason that a car goes "mmmeeeeeOOOWWWuuuuuhhh" when it passes by) would make ordinary starlight stretch out of the visible spectrum completely, but make the cosmic background radiation move INTO it. So you'd actually just see a bright central disc of light. So yes: have another thing that you totally get wrong all the time, science fiction!
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