profile of AndrewPStreet

Justin Bieber will destroy your hamster and all your hamster holds dear - 10 Things

It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas, by which we mean that we're on holidays and, frankly, could do with a bit of a lie in. But that doesn't mean that we're neglecting you, valued reader, and your clickthroughs that are our very lifeblood: 10 Things will be here each morning, as you expect, just a bit later. Because news never sleeps - which is why we appreciated that Aston Kutcher has given Demi Moore the greatest gift of all by filing for divorce, a year after separating because nothing says "Xmas!" like "reminding your former partner that you're now dating Mila Kunis". 

More news is coming out about the troubled life of Jacintha Saldanha, the nurse whose suicide after receiving The Hoax Phone Call is still being hotly debated by people who think that radio pranks are terrible, terrible things after having been listening to them for years without complaint. It would appear that the phone call was the last straw: Ms Saldanha was reportedly depressed and had made previous suicide attempts, all of which goes to show that you never know what the thing that pushes someone over the edge might be - so hey, why don't we all be less of a jerk to people?

Aliens and future historians, take note: when the story of the triumphs of the human race is written, one of the chapters will have been set in December 2012 when Psy's 'Gangnam Style' hit one billion views on YouTube. Yes, not even the very visible stars in the sky can match in number the amount of times that humans - creatures of free will who can determine the very shape of their lives and fates - hit play on a video that had a plump man dancing like a horsie. And you can totally up that number RIGHT NOW.

Last week a 28 year old woman was gang-raped on a bus in Delhi, prompting massive protests in India as the public demanded greater protection of women. One protest in New Delhi in northern India was prompted when a popular actress and singer Momoko went public with her own sexual assault, and authorities responded less by promising swift and decisive action against those who would seek to assault women, and more by firing tear gas into the crowd and then opening fire, killing a news cameraman who was covering the protest. The six men involved with the gang rape are all in custody; Momoko's assailant is yet to be charged.

Speaking of sexual violence, Cardinal George Pell - y'know, the Sydney Archbishop who's looking forward to the Federal Government's Royal Commission into institutionalised sexual abuse sorting out the one or two legit cases against the church against the hundreds and hundreds of cases of "significant exaggeration", has told those victims that hey, he feels them. "My heart will go out to all those who cannot find peace at this time, especially those who have suffered at the hands of fellow Christians; Christian officials, priests and teachers," he said in his Christmas message (although that use of the future tense seems weird: what, he's been setting a date where his sympathy will kick in?), adding that a bit more faith "in God's goodness and love to cope with these disasters, to help those who have been hurt" oughtta sort it all out. Merry Xmas!

Planning on getting along to the Hawaiian island of Ohau? Then you might want to bump it up the list since scientists at Utah's Brigham Young University have established that the island is, effectively, melting. Groundwater is actually dissolving the mountains from within, meaning that within a mere 1.5 million years the island will be flat and mountain-free. That, dear reader, is both fascinating and weirdly creepy.

Here's a little tip for rappers considering touring beautiful Angola: make sure you turn up, or you run the risk of your promoter being kidnapped at gunpoint. That's what Nas is learning at the moment as he faces down a US$10 million lawsuit from Partick Allocco, who had gotten Nas' up-front fee of $30k from one Henrique "Riquhino" Miguel. Nas took the fee and then failed to show up, Miguel politely asked for his money back from Allocco, Allocco explained that Nas now had the money, and Miguel proceeded to hold him hostage for 50 days. who demanded his money back. Not that we in any way approve, but Nas? Take note: that shit is genuinely gangsta.

Remember last week when we linked to the video of journalist Piers Morgan telling Gun Owners of America head honcho Larry Pratt that he was a stupid liar simply because he was saying stupid things that were lies? Well, America's not going to stand for that sort of truthery - a wave of opposition to Morgan has risen up, since he's clearly just the vanguard for the sort of re-invasion  by the British that gun nuts have been expecting since the Civil War, with one journalist accurately accusing Morgan of declaring war on the US Bill of Rights, because that makes perfect sense. In other awesome it's-been-a-whole-week-since-a-bunch-of-kids-were-gunned-down-in-cold-blood-what-I'm-meant-to-worry-about-this-forever? news, the NRA's Wayne LaPierre has the answer: armed guards in every school, because a) more guns make everyone safer from guns, because magic, and b) because the presence of armed guards at Columbine totally stopped 13 people being killed in the 1999 massacre. "I know there's a media machine in this country that wants to blame guns every time something happens," LaPierre said, just before adding "but just because that's an accurate assessment of the situation and that every country on the planet has shown a direct link between access to firearms and gun-related deaths doesn't mean that I can't take up valuable airtime - you said I'd amount to nothing, you jerks in high school, but who's got all the guns now! How do you like, Arlene from Period 2 English who turned me down for the prom? NOW I HAVE ALL THE GUNS!" OK, he didn't say that last bit - that's just for his private crysturbation sessions. 

And finally, Justin Bieber has set his pet hamster PAC (…seriously, PAC? That's the name of his hamster?) on "a short path to his doom" after giving him to a fan, Victoria Blair. Despite reassuring tweets from the hamster asking folks "Please don't hate on my new owner. She's taking really good care of me! :)" - thereby suggesting that a sentient, manually-dextrous, English-literate and social media-savvy hamster like PAC could probably hold its own against Blair, not to mention probably run a medium sized publicity company, the California hamster Association - for such an organisation exists - have issued a statement explaining that hamsters are terminally terrified by change. And this is cause for concern because, according to Yahoo Answers, there are only 14 hamsters left alive in the world today. WHY WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE HAMSTERS?
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