profile of Chuck Kolyvas

Justin Bieber murder plot - NO WORDS - 10 things

Pair get lost enroute to murder Bieber—possible Apple maps failure

I am absolutely at a loss to explain this story. A couple of guys are arrested for the murders (strangulation by paisley ties plus castrations) of two unidentified men. Said hoods are arrested after taking a wrong turn, supposedly on their way to murder Justin Bieber and his head of security whilst he’s performing in New York State. What’s more, they do all this under instruction from a man currently doing time for the rape and murder of a 15-year-old girl. Said inmate is obsessed with Bieber and, get this, has a tattoo of Bieber on this leg. David Lynch could not have dreamed a more fucked up plot.

“Brunswick resident Les Scott doesn't fully understand how NBN works”

What the fuck is this shit, Rachel Baxendale for The Australian? See here for Baxendale's opening two paragraphs from her BS article on how the NBN is poor value:

THE consensus in Laura Street, Brunswick - one of the five areas on the mainland where the NBN was first rolled out two years ago - is that it hasn't been worth the trouble.

Les Scott, 65, said he hadn't bothered to change over from an ADSL2+ connection because he didn't feel he knew enough about the NBN and was happy with the service he had.

If you’re going to attempt to discredit sorely needed national infrastructure, make sure you have a solid premise to stand it on. Dear reader, friend of TheVine, please take some time to read this story.

Google Maps—it’s back bitches

Since Apple launched iOS 6, it’s latest mobile operating system; its native maps application, which bumped off Google’s Google Maps, has been the subject of an endless tirade of negative press—much of it justified. I personally don’t have a problem with it. In fact, I had an awesome time using the turn-by-turn voice navigation and 3D maps are stunning. It will get better, fools! Anyway, everyone take a chill pill—Google Maps is back. Google Maps is available now and for free in the App Store where it has hit number 1 free app. I’ve had a play with it and it seems decent. The voice nav works fine and everything looks good. No harsh desert will stop you getting to Mildura now, Australia.

What you looking for?

What did the world search for in 2012? Google’s Zeitgeist 2012 shows us that we loved Whitney Houston (or at least the spectacle of her passing the way we all presumed she’d go), Gangnam Style and iPad 3. We wanted to watch The Hunger Games, we whined about Prometheus and we watched some douche free fall to earth faster than the speed of sound. The accompanying video has the most wonderful, uplifting music that will make you want to slash someone else’s wrists and watch them bleed.

TIME person of the year

Speaking of douches who free fall to earth faster than the speed of sound—Felix Baumgartner is one of the contenders for TIME’s Person of the Year, 2012. The survey isn’t a popularity contest, rather, it focuses on those who’ve made a significant impact on world affairs; be it positive or negative. Other more notable candidates include despot and Syrian President— Bashar al-Assad; political satirist—Stephen Colbert; rapper and father of Babyoncé—Jay-Z. But it’s the illustrious and most distinguished leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, who currently leads the people’s vote with more than 97% support. My personal vote goes to 15-year-old Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl who just wants to go to school without being killed by the Taliban. TIME will announce the winner on December 19th.

Solariums to be banned in Victoria

The state of Victoria is taking the interesting step of banning commercial solariums as of 31st December 2012. The move is part of Victoria’s skin cancer prevention strategy. According to Premier, Ted Baillieu, “one in six melanomas can be prevented if commercial solaria are closed.” Nearly 300 people died from skin cancer in 2010, so roughly 50 people will be saved according to Baillieu’s reckoning.

Outsider looking in

US ambassador to Australia, Jeffrey Bleich, has warned Australians that, “malicious and negative attacks by political parties on each other is causing voters to lose trust in government.” He went on to say that Australians wouldn’t have faith in a new government if it is voted in amidst the current climate of demonisation. LOL, this is Australia mate... a little bit of sledging makes for a good Question Time!

Sleeping with the enemy

Remember that scene in Sleeping With the Enemy where Julia Roberts’ husband notices she has left a bathroom towel slightly crooked, so he beats the shit out of her? Well the real life version of Julia Roberts’ character has apparently endured similar treatment during a nine-year marriage. Her nut-job of a husband is a clean freak who forced her to do “most of the housework and [care] for the children even while recovering from a broken arm inflicted by [him].” If she didn’t behave, she was subjected to physical and psychological torture. Read these quotes, they’re just fucking horrible:

"He would not allow me to use the furniture but force me to sit on the floor.

"He would not allow me to have any food at all at night. He would only allow me to eat dry bread and drink water for periods of several days at a time.

"He would force me to do physical exercises such as 100 sit-ups. He would not allow me to wear clothes in the house for days at a time."

The sad thing is; the kids would have grown up thinking this was normal behaviour. So is it wrong of me to fantasize about what I’d do to this guy if I met him on the street?

North Korean rocket launch—whole country shitwrapped

I’d say this North Korean newsreader is the definition of being shitwrapped. Or at least, she is outwardly. How can you tell when her country is ruled with an iron fist? I wish our news was this cool—wait for the sun to rise and you’ll see what I mean. But then there’s this video where supposed every day citizens talk about how they’re so overcome with shitwrapped joy because they’ve successfully launched a satellite:

North Korea seems to be like the Truman Show where Kim Jong Un plays Truman AND he’s in on the charade! Masterful.

Chinese leaders: army should be ready to win “regional wars.”

Whoa, back the hell up. I’m not sure if all the news outlets are paying attention to them “fightin words.” But they do sound like a boastful threat to China’s neighbours—namely Japan. The territorial dispute between Japan and China over some tiny islands in the South China Sea intensified when Japan scrambled eight F-15s to intercept a Chinese surveillance aircraft in the area yesterday. Simultaneously, the head of China’s Central Military Commission bandied about his aggressive sentiment that China’s army should intensify its “real combat” awareness to win regional wars. Damn that’s scary. Tip: learn Mandarin now.

Previous article

How to be a Jew at Christmas

By on

Next article

The 20 worst things of 2012

By on