"Ho ho ho, we're all doomed!" A very special guest 10 Things from Santa Claus
Ho ho ho, readers of TheVine! It's jolly old Saint Nick here, having fulfilled my toy-related obligations for the year and taking the opportunity to do a bit of writing and give APS a chance to concentrate on his hangover - so I'll be dictating this to my most trusted elf, who assures me he won't do any sneaky editorialising if he knows what's good for him, you big fat beardy bastard. So let's begin with a special present that the US Congress is giving to itself: an economic collapse! Yes, all that talk of bipartisanship that accompanied Obama's re-election has once again been abandoned in favour of holding the country to ransom for political point-scoring, with the Republicans blocking any compromise and then blaming the Democrats - with John Barrasso pulling off the neat trick of claiming that Obama wants to tank the economy for his own gain, which doesn't make a lot of sense since he's president, whilst Barrasso does exactly that himself. Markets are already declining in the wake of what everyone is assuming a failure to reach an agreement by the end of the year. Ho ho ho!
One person who you might thinking didn't get what they wanted this year was Mitt Romney, but now his own son Tagg (Tagg?) has revealed that Dad didn't even want your stupid presidency and couldn't be arsed with the whole "electioneering" think. Which we already knew - especially me, since I know when he is sleeping and I know when he's half-heartedly trying to curry favour with powerful commercial interests, but it's nice to know that everyone got what they asked for. Thanks for your honesty, Tagg (Tagg?).
Oh, Ke$ha - don't you know it's naughty to tell fibs? The dear young popstress has recanted her claim that her song 'Die Young' was forced upon her, after Tweeting "I understand. I had my very own issue with 'Die Young' for this reason… I did NOT want to sing those lyrics and I was FORCED TO." But while it's naughty to lie, it's good to tell the truth - so she can still get her presents for having admitted that "forced is not the right word": presents that include still being represented by a major record label, for example. It's a Xmas miracle!
Maybe the US will be getting a very special present from North Korea, with South Korea analysing the wreckage of a rocket and concluding that the plucky little dictatorship most likely has the capacity to launch a missile about 10,000 km, putting the US west coast in range. North Korea is already in a vague-threat-making mood, having just told South Korea that they're going to get themselves some unspecified consequences for lighting an Xmas tree-shaped tower near the border, thereby enacting "psychological warfare". Better watch out, and better not cry!
As a special treat for those who hate ice, I've given the greatest gift of all: a massive increase in the warming of the west antarctic ice sheets! Yes, it's now warming twice as fast we you thought - goodbye, pesky ice and hello, pants-crappingly rapid sea level rise! And if you think that's not the greatest of presents, remember that I live at the North Pole, so I couldn't give the slightest of shits!
Argentina, your special present this year is a giant fossil tooth that suggests the discovery of the largest dinosaur ever found, which raises a thorny question: what to call it? You've already named Titanosaur, Supersaurus and Megalosaurus, so might I suggest Holymotherfuckinglyhugosaurus? Oh dear little elf, why are you giggling so hard? Did my suggestion of Biggasaurus amuse you?
Don't worry, psychologists who think that people can be turned straight by "gay conversion therapy" in California: your present is a court challenge on First Amendment grounds arguing that people can offer whatever bats hit insane and demonstrably useless therapy they want and it's not up to so called "experts" to determine what is best practice and what is crazy bigotry. Merry Xmas, you sweet, sweet morons!
Because they've been so nice this year, I gave the US a very special Xmas present: Syrian defector Jihad Makdissi, a high-ranking official in Bashar al-Assad's regime! Syrian media are reporting that he's taken "administrative leave", that he's been fired and that he's been arrested in Beirut, all of which seems to be out of step with his having been granted asylum in the US! Ho ho ho!
I've had to clear out my sack of any short shirts, low-rise jeans or revealing tops bound for good girls in Swaziland, since the government has now banned them since they provoke rape, obviously! Anyone caught wearing attire deemed provocative can be jailed for six months, and will be held responsible for any sexual assaults committed against them. "The act of the rapist is made easy, because it would be easy to remove the half-cloth worn by the women," police spokeswoman Wendy Hleta told the Independent Online, although the ban does not apply to the annual "Reed Dance" where bare-breasted and bare-buttocked young women dance for the king. Visions of sugarplums!
And because it's the season of goodwill and universal love, have a video of spectacular celebrations from around the world! I'm assured by my elfy pal here that this links to scenes of children laughing and dancing and a metric shittonne of glad tidings. See you next year, kiddies!