Grammys say no to female breast nipples, Kanye has skirt remorse - 10 Things

It's been days, but we're still shocked at the level of sport in Australia's proud drugs industry. Following the revelation that cycling is awash in steroid use came the po-faced news that drugs may have been used by men and women under enormous pressure to succeed at a highly competitive level in fields where only the elite can even make a living, much less achieve fame or fortune. Now the nation's NRL teams are waiting to see which of them still have any players, with the Australian Crime Commission determined to name-and-shame drug cheats. So let's start the positive spin right now: which total legend is going to be the NRL's biggest drug hoover and hard man?

Oh, Kanye West. You might have powers beyond those of mortal men, but you do not yet control the internets. And that is why your alleged scheme to ban all photos of you in that leather skirt thing from the Hurricane Sandy benefit isn't going to work, because Google Image Search is a thing and our stupid sartorial decisions are now gloriously present all the time. Allegedly West's representatives told image library Getty that they'd like all the skirt pix scrubbed from the database toot sweet, allegedly because it casts doubts on his masculinity (Ye Is Gay rumours have been floating around for years, not least because they rhyme). We think he looks very smart. 

Good news, paranoids! You know how you kept off Facebook and Twitter and human interactions because The Man could use them track your every movement? Well, now they actually can: Raytheon, the planet's fifth-largest security firm, have developed a program named Riot (an acronym for Rapid Information Overlay Technology) that can track people's behaviour through their social media history, thereby working out where you're likely to be or if you're doing something out-of-character. They haven't sold the software to anyone, though, so you can rest easy. Oh, they did give it to the US government in 2010, though. So… these tinfoil hats work, you say? 
The Grammys are happening right about now, when music's brightest stars come out to shine, except for all those acts that didn't get nominated and then whined and bitched about it on Twitter (hey, Bieber! Having a quiet night in, One Direction?). But while it's set to be the night we remember as The One Where Goyte Won Everything, the Grammy organisers are determined that it's not the one where you knocked out a crafty one during the telecast: clear and hilarious guidelines have been sent around to all the performers and presenters specifying what bits of their body are considered acceptable for music, and which are not. "Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples." First person to form a band called Female Breast Nipples gets a gold star.

So, you might be wondering why all this talk about fast food chains in the UK and US being found to contain horsemeat is a problem. Why, they're a rangy, healthy animal - not as sedentary as those sheep and cows that we happily devour, you may justifiably argue - if anything, it should be a lean, high-protein and low fat alternative. The problem is that there's an anti-inflammatory drug that vets use fairly often with horses, with the catchy name phenylbutazone, which was taken off the market for humans decades back. It doesn't appear to be in itself harmful to we two-legged creatures, but the stuff sticks around the system for days at a time and y'know, drugs have side-effects, especially ones that are administered without the patient actually knowing. Investigators in the UK reckon that the scandal has passed "incompetence" and is now in the territory marked "criminal conspiracy". Whether it gets upgraded to "world takeover plot by twisted genius supervillain" remains to be seen, but obviously we reckon so.

Speaking of organised crime, Italian police have uncovered a shocking example of the sort of diabolical schemes the Mafia carry out when they raided the house of Domenico Ferrara, suspected crime don, and discovered 320 mobile phones in a bag in his cellar. It turns out the wily criminal mastermind had used the phones to… um, help his 13 year old daughter in the television singing competition Ti Lascio Una Canzione ("I'll leave you with a song"). And it worked, too: by getting friends and associates to call and text votes in for Giovanna, she reached the finals and ended up finishing second. So take note, contestants on The Voice: ensure you affiliate yourself with a criminal syndicate if you want to win that arena tour.

You know how spicy food is great, and how it's even better with booze? Congratulations, you might have a problem too! Sung-Gon Kim, professor of psychiatry from South Korea's Busan National University has published a study which finds that chili and alcohol both stimulate the brain's reward system the same way. The finding suggests that alcoholics who like spicy food would be better candidates for treatment with naltrexone, which blocks the opioid system in your brain where booze gently helps make all the horrible, horrible feelings go away. It also suggests that someone needs to invent chilli whiskey, and then send me all the chilli whiskey. 

As the debate over marriage equality rumbles inexplicably on, the claims that adults should have different rights over their relationships are getting increasingly shrill. Conservative author Suzanne Venker, author of How to Choose a Husband and Make Peace with Marriage and fan of having the little lady look after her big important man, wrote a piece for Fox News about how marriage is only for the straights, which Fox illustrated with a lovely photo of a newly-married couple kissing atop the Empire State Building. Problem is, it was a photo of Stephanie Figarelle and Lela McArthur, the first same-sex couple to tie the knot at the popular location. Tee hee.

Tunisia is about to descend into chaos after opposition leader Chokri Belaïd was shot dead outside his house last week, leaving prime minister Hamadi Jebali to hastily propose having technocrats take over running the country while they sort things out, and then to hastily backtrack and reshuffle his cabinet to appease his coalition government partners. Meanwhile, no-one has claimed responsibility or a specific motive for the murder. So yeah, more good times.

And finally, start your week off with the knowledge that you too could soon gaze upon fields of sensuous silicon robot tentacles. Matthew Borgatti has developed a technique of creating flexible 3D printed objects that can be powered by air. It's a technology that has multiple uses, but let's just say what you're already thinking: sex industry, you might want to write this down. 

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