Election 2013 - The Nation Reacts

Well, it happened. As they took Antony Green from his little hutch and held him aloft, the pollster faced away from his shadow, denoting an early election. 

And the Prime Minister announced as much yesterday at the close of a press conference, blindsiding the press gallery who were expecting her to end with her traditional ‘Now fuck yas aaaaall!’ before sprinting from the podium. Not the case this time round, as the PM informed the assembled hacks that the election would be held on the 14th of September.

This announcement caused the nation to shit itself in fevered synchronicity. Sure, the election literally had to be called for this year – we may as well have been shocked that autumn would also be occurring in 2013 – but the lumbering inevitably of democracy did naught to stifle our zeal.

So how would we, the citizens of the Internet respond?

Well, because I know you’re all busy making lawn signs, I scoured the net to get a sense of what our great nation thought of this entirely uncontroversial and constitutionally required news.

The Incredulity


People clearly remember all the lies Julair and Lairbor have peddled throughout her lie-rm in office (of lies), and they’re not about to be taken for a ride (to Liesville, capital of Fibtopia).

Well, old44, I suppose I did believe her when she said that – but now that you put it that way…


Oh no, it’s all coming together…

Well, I’ve never been one to disagree with a tenuous pun and I’m not about to start now. These comments outline Gillard’s winning strategy – kick the campaign off by openly and deliberately deceiving people about the date of the election.

Be vigilant, people, they’ll sneak this election right past our noses when we’re least suspecting it. Best to hang out at your local primary school every day of 2013 snooping around for polling booths.

Nice Election Announcement, Four Eyes!

“Hey Jenny, can you write that story on the Prime Minister’s new glasses and then travel back in time and apologise to your ten-year-old self who wanted to be a journalist? Thanks”

The PM had new specs, and we knew exactly why:

Nice try, Gillard! I hope when you bought that petard you didn’t expect to be hoisted by it, because if you wanted those glasses to make you look trustworthy, it’s backfired:

When will you release your prescription, Julia?!

Why You Hate Jews For?

As soon as it was announced, people scrutinised the date like they were at a shonky bazaar. What was Gillard trying to say holding the election on the 832nd anniversary of the Battle of Ishibashiuama? Nothing? Interesting. Was there a significance to the fact that 14/9/2013 add up to 2036? Absolutely not? The plot thickened. Then Malcolm Turnbull tweeted this:

And everyone suddenly realised what had been on the tip of their tounge this whole time. ‘That’s right!’ they all said, ‘The Jewish Day of Atonement, I knew it was that.’ It was decided that this was, of course, an outrage.


Yeah, ya dumb bitch! Don’t you know what 365 is the mathematical symbol for unlimited? Maybe if you spend more time learning and less time hating Jews you’d know that.

Of course, the righteous indignation of these warriors for equality was mitigated in no small way when Jewish leaders nation wide calmly pointed out that they were pretty much fine with it, and besides, the election always falls on the Sabbath.

But still.

But What About People Who Fix Pool Fences?!


Got you covered.

Not That Any of This Matters, Sheeple!

I’m not sure exactly what Mr Orwell is insinuating with his scare quotes, but we can be certain it was said with a derisve snort and in a basement.


And Finally, My Favourite Comment of the Day


Nailed it.

Ben Jenkins blogs at abafflingordeal.com and you can follow him on twitter @bencjenkins

(Photo: Alex Ellinghausen)

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