Court case means we can legitimately put "Scarlett Johansson Nude Pix!" in this headline - 10 Things

You just know that US District Court judge S. James Otero was angling to impress Scarlett Johansson when he handed down an extraordinary ten year sentence to Christopher Chaney, the guy who hacked her email account and distributed the nude photos that you assured your girlfriend you didn't see and why would you even think to look? Chaney pleaded guilty to nine felony counts for hacking the email accounts of Johansson, Mila Kunis, Renee Olstead and Christina Aguilera, among others, as well as two non-celebrities who he had been stalking for over a decade because he is a creepy, horrible man. It's principally because of the stalking that Otero reduced the amount that Chaney would have to pay (the relatively low $66,179) and upped the jail time considerably, presumably adding that, y'know, if Johansson maybe wanted to get coffee or something sometime, he'd totally be cool with that.

In other Things To Do To Celebrities In Order To Ruin Your Life Via Law Enforcement news, an unnamed Southern California teen has reportedly been identified as the person behind a spate of "swatting" calls, in which one rings the police, reports a mass shooting at a celebrity's house - in this case both Aston Kutcher and Justin Bieber - and then have the police turn up en masse because hilarity. Oddly enough, the police and FBI didn't find this quite as knee slapping as said teen - although if he argues that he was just trying to disrupt the production of Two and a Half Men, no jury in the world is going to convict him. 

President Obama has tasked Vice President Joe Biden with leading the gun control taskforce in the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting, and the National Rifle Association have even announced that they might be prepared not to be dicks about it, with a statement that "The NRA is prepared to offer meaningful contributions to help make sure [Sandy Hook] never happens again," although the language is vague enough to imply a "…as long as it doesn't involve gun control, obviously" clause at the end. Meanwhile, Piers Morgan just says what we're all thinking in this video where he tells Larry Pratt - one of the geniuses behind the notions that the problem with guns in schools is that there aren't enough of them and teachers should all be packing heat, that "you are talking complete and utter nonsense. What you just said was a complete and utter lie… you're an unbelievably stupid man". And he has a point.

Oh, incidentally, NSW Police reckon that the gun laws in the state need to be tightened up in the light of recent shootings in Sydney - but the Firearms Consultative Committee that's looking at amendments to the 2006 Firearms Act disagree. That committee, incidentally, includes "Shooters and Fishers MP Robert Borsak, and members of the NSW Shooting Association and the pro-shooting NSW Game Council… [and] The NSW Rifle Association, the Amateur Pistol Association, the Antique Arms Collectors Society of Australia and the Sporting Shooters Association", according to the SMH, and zero gun control advocates since, as Shooters and Fishers' Robert Brown points out, "they know nothing about firearms". So that all seems pretty OK, really.

Remember Deepwater Horizon, the oil rig that was BP's contribution to destroying the Earth through incredible recklessness when a fault led to a the deaths of 11 people and the biggest offshore oil spill in US history back in 2010? Well, you'll be pleased to know that everything's fine now, except for the mysterious oily sheen on the water around the site that's definitely not oil, that's for darn sure. In fact, the recent week long exploration of the site has found no sign of oil but many signs of an "unidentified substance inconsistent with oil" which is currently undergoing analysis. But it's definitely not oil, obviously, because that would imply that BP didn't do a bang up job in their court-mandated cleanup of the site. So remember, kids: not oil. Or anything else oozing from the sunken oil rig, couldn't be that either. Or that alien murder goo from The Thing. It's fine.

Oh, Israeli president Binyamin Netanyahu - you adorable japester! There you are, claiming that you're all about finding a viable peace process between Israel and Palestine, and then you go and approve 2,612 new homes in Givat Hamatos, a settlement on the not-Israel side of the Green Line between Southern Jerusalem and Bethlehem. In what is an early Xmas present to those who like provocative acts that will no doubt inflame the already red and swollen tensions in the region, the move has lead the four European members of the UN Security Council - France, the UK, Germany and Portugal - to draft a joint statement that says, in effect, "Israel, what the fuck?" The US, meanwhile, have also been uncharacteristically critical. "Israel's leaders continually say that they support a path towards a two-state solution yet these actions only put that goal further at risk," said state department spokesperson Victoria Nuland, presumably before adding "Seriously, what the fuck?" It's speculated that the move is being driven by political tensions in Israel as Netanyahu's Likud party is facing a serious challenge from the far right Jewish Home Party in next month's elections, and nothing says "electoral vote winner" like "protracted ground war".

Statistically, your relationship is far more likely to fall apart in the weeks after Xmas - but if you do find yourself on the rebound market, take comfort in the news that Zooey Deschanel and Ben "Death Cab for Cutie" Gibbard's divorce is now finalised, so you could totally marry them! Just imagine! Maybe dump your partner right now, just to get ahead of the pack.

Paul Keating still evokes mixed responses about his Prime Ministerial legacy, but everyone can agree that the man knew a good zinger - and now there's an app that allows you, the civilian insult enthusiast, to compose your own Keatingsome insults via the Paul Keating Insult Generator. it might not be the greatest legacy for a PM, but hell: still loads better than Tampa. Isn't that right, John Howard?

With Australian rents the way they are, it's important to keep an eye out for alternative locations - and science might have just found you that perfect place to really stretch out, get away from those inner-city doldrums and really enjoy easy access to Tau Ceti, a sunlike star relatively close to our own solar system. An international team at the University of Hertfordshire have released a paper regarding a newly discovered world estimated to be 4 times more massive than the Earth (so, ample parking) lying in the star's habitable zone where liquid water could form - perfect for those looking for a gravity-rich environment where the atmosphere neither freezes nor boils away into space, and the 12 light year commute, while challenging, is still quicker than the drive from the outer west to Sydney's CBD. 

And finally, if you're like us, you're sick of the left-wing media's War on Sexy Christmas and want to get back to the real reason for the season: hot chicks in Santa suits. Well, feast your eyes on this commercial by Funeraria López, providers of the festive season's sexiest funerals in El Progreso, Guatemala. Ball's in your court, White Lady Funerals. 

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