Canada's best-dressed monkeys choose Ikea - 10 things
Who's saying what
But before you rejoice in the fact that our planet's monkeys are enjoying unprecedented access to affordable furniture and quality winter wear, be advised that not all species are so lucky. African elephants, for example, whose numbers have plummeted with only around 6300 left in the wild - 1000 less than in 2008's census, which is way below the birth rate. It's thought that illegal poaching in Kenya is to blame, principally because of the lucrative ivory trade in China and Thailand. Those ivory backscratcher jokes just got a lot less funny.
To the surprise of no-one (and, y'know, as we predicted yesterday), 2DayFM have suspended prank calls, along with the Hot 30 show and DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian. They're also conducting an "internal review process" to ensure that the thing that they and every other radio station have done for decades with impunity doesn't happen again, but unfortunately in the process of making this announcement added that "Several attempts were made by the production team to discuss the segment with the hospital, but with no success", which the King Edward VII hospital claims is several times more than they actually did, which according to their records was zero: "Following the hoax call, the radio station did not speak to anyone in the hospital's senior management or anyone at the company that handles our media inquiries," as their statement released overnight unambiguously reads. But was their refrigerator running? Now we may never know.
It's the supergroup you've always dreamed of: Cyndi Lauper, Annie "St Vincent" Clark, Alexis Krauss from Sleigh Bells and, um, Rosie O'Donnell? At a fundraiser for Lauper's True Colors charity (who provide support for young homeless LGBT folks) held at New York's Beacon Theatre, the quartet performed the classic 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', with O'Donnell on percussion because… well, why not? Here's proof.
The man may have left Sesame Street, but Kevin Clash - The Artist Formerly Known As Elmo - now faces his fourth accusation of underage sex. This now brings him up to three alleged former lovers (the fourth took a payout to drop the case) which are determined to tell him how to get, how to get to a series of career-destroying lawsuits.
Today in Won't Somebody Think Of The Children news, a new study has shown that restrictions on alcohol in pubs and clubs, such as lock outs and higher prices, isn't resulting in young people joining charities, performing good works and using their enforced sobriety to acquaint themselves with classics of western literature. The study conducted by Deakin University entitled "Dealing with Alcohol-related Harm and the Night-time Economy" found that young people are "pre-loading" on alcohol, getting drinks in them at home on the cheap before going out. "It's almost as though humans enjoy the experience of being drunk and deliberately consume alcohol in order to achieve this state," one of the researchers really wanted to say in a voice dripping with sarcasm. Other studies currently awaiting publication include "Illuminated morning: a study of whether the sun comes up" and "Cute or Newt: do people prefer snuggling with adorable kittens or slimy amphibians? A longitudinal assessment".
Maintaining the Nobel Peace Prize's proud tradition of being a baffling farce, this year it has been given to the European Union for, um, not descending into sectarian bloodshed. Excitingly-named Nobel committee president Thorbjoern Jagland commended the EU for transforming Europe into a "continent of peace", presumably before unveiling a whiteboard with "EUROPE: 67 YEARS WITHOUT A WORLD WAR" emblazoned thereon. It follows in the fine tradition of meaningless and inexplicable Peace Prize winners, including Wangari "AIDS was created by the CIA to destroy Africa" Maathai in 2004, Henry "hey, let's destabilise us some South American governments, what harm could it do?" Kissinger in 1973, and Barack "just got into power and haven't done anything as yet, but tell me more about these unmanned drones" Obama in 2009. Oh yeah, and Yassar Arafat in 1994. Seriously: Arafat. Jesus.
Speaking of people who won the Nobel Peace Prize, 1993 recipient Nelson Mandela is apparently resting fine in a hospital in Pretoria after being admitted over the weekend for undisclosed reasons, although we're guessing they're "complications stemming from being 94 years old." Yep: dude's 94. Seriously, the man's a force of nature.
Could it be that the recent series of leaks about an alleged nuclear weapons facility in Iran are coming from Israel? That's the question being asked with eye-rolling pretend concern at the latest in a series of pieces of purported evidence for Iran's imminent nuclearisation, including hilariously incorrect hand-drawn graphs that suggest a organisation struggling with pencil technology. The Israeli government are remaining adorably coy as to whether they're releasing said leaks, but the Associated Press have attributed them to "officials from a country critical of Iran's atomic programme", admirably stopping short of adding "…whose name rhymes with Misrael".
And finally, some data to settle those pub arguments about what are the most popular genital injuries in the UK: it turns out that the hottest new trend for ladies is "botched vajazzles", whereas men are preferring more traditional methods of damaging their junk - principally cricket ball injuries or "falling over when getting out of the bath". So, beloved readers, remember to take extra care when having fake rhinestones affixed to your pudenda and/or playing bathroom cricket: your areas are in peril.