In what was otherwise a typically dull week for Australian politics (everyone must still be a little tuckered out from the ball-tearing excitement of the whole insulation incident), I noticed that pretty much all of my favourite Federal politicians managed to make the news in one way or another. And by 'favourite Federal politicians', I do of course mean 'Good God, what are you doing with the reins of power. No, no, give them to me, give them to me. There you go. Good boy'.

But even if they do generally make one despair for the state of the Australian political system, you have to admit that at least these guys manage to keep things entertaining. Sure, they're not as entertaining as a famously anti-gay Republican turning out to be gay when he was caught drink driving after exiting a gay club with another man, but still, they have their charm. Their sweet, incompetent charm.

In short, these are Australia's Parliamentary All-Stars*

Note: I have purposely shied away from the inclusion of Tony Abbott. Dude probably has had quite enough written about every single word he says as is.

* In a totally ironic sense, I assure you. This is more 'America's Mediocre Presidents' than true adulation.

Wilson Tuckey (LIB, MHR, Seat of O'Connor)



If ever anyone wants to consider exactly how far we've come since the good ol' days of colonial Australia, one merely needs to consider the ongoing Parliamentary presence of Wilson "Ironbar" Tuckey. At 74, the oldest currently sitting member of Parliament, Tuckey is a man who seems to have been hewn from the very bedrock of Australia itself, and has the tact and intellectual brio to match.

First elected way back in 1980, Tuckey has spent most of the past 30 years bouncing around the Liberal backbench, most Liberal leaders presumably realising that giving Tuckey any greater responsibility than simply sitting there and trying not to fall over would have been to seriously invite trouble. However, he has had two shortlived moments in the limelight. First in 1989, when he helped engineer a successful plot to oust Howard from the leadership and then subtly boasted about it on national television. And second, in 1998, when Howard appointed him Minister for Forestry and Conservation, a posting that - with his mining community background - was somewhat akin to appointing Darth Vader to the role of Minister for Death Lasers and Planetary Conservation. But after trying to use his clout to get his son off a drink-driving charge in 2003, Tuckey was  relegated to the backbench and went back to doing what he does best: laying down inflammatory and ill-informed comments on a range of politically sensitive issues. Particularly when said issues pertain to Aboriginal people. Just as the people of the O'Connor region likes it.

Oh, and the name "Ironbar" came after he was done for assault in 1967 after hitting a pinned down Aboriginal man with a length of steel cable. Charming.

Most recent moment: Describing the ritual of thanking traditional Aboriginal owners of the land as a "farce" and following it up with the comment that he had "never thanked anyone for the right to be on the soil that is Australian".

Barnaby Joyce (NAT, Senator for Queensland, Shadow Finance Minister)



A relatively recent addition to Parliament (at least by the venerable standards set by our friend Wilson), Barnaby has recently found himself in the middle of quite a lot after assuming the role of Shadow Finance Minister, and feeling as if this gives him a reasonable basis of knowledge with which to pontificate on financial matters. While his previous work as an accountant might suggest the presence of such knowledge, his statements to date definitely skew toward the contrary.

When he was given his new role, Abbott described him as being one of the 'originals and authentics' of Australian politics, a designation one could probably also give to Ironbar up there. Good company. But no sooner had he stepped into his new office than he put out a press release essentially suggesting Australia was too far in debt and could struggle to repay its loans. Not exactly the image we want to portray to the world in these parlous financial times. A sequence of low- to medium-density gaffes have ensued that has seen him be openly criticised by the Reserve Bank and forced Shadow Treasurer Joe Hockey to assure people that Joyce's position was largely ceremonial.

In the face of a relentless barrage of criticism from the Labor party, Abbott has refused to confirm Joyce would still be minister when the election rolls around. I'd say the biggest danger for the Labor party right now is that they might succeed in ousting Joyce before he has time to really plaster his personality over the pre-election months.

Most recent moment: Famous for crossing the floor during Parliamentary votes - a rare occurrence in Australian politics - Joyce last week assaulted Abbott's maternity leave plan in a move that could be loosely translated as 'Et tu, Brutus?'

Stephen Conroy (LAB, Senator for Victoria, Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy)



Ah, Stephen. The most loathed Australian on the Internet. I've written previously about the fabulous idiocy that is the Internet filtering scheme, so won't rehash the arguments here, suffice to say that his pronouncements of late have really failed to convince the Internet commentariat that his plans have merit. My favourite recent episode was when he favourably compared Australia's Internet censorship plan to China's when trying to convince Google to remove 'offensive' content from YouTube. You know, graffiti videos and the like. Us and China: BFFs. Now, we have more in common than a shared passion for digging shit out of the ground.

Worth reading up on Encyclopedia Dramatica's take on the man, not necessarily because it's good, informative or funny, but more because the Internet filter is currently on track to ban the ED website entirely.

Most recent moment: in response to Australia being added to the Reporters Without Borders' countries of concern watchlist, Conroy blamed Electronic Frontiers Australia for misleading people about the scope of the proposed filter. The good people at EFA came back with this brilliantly comprehensive takedown

Stephen Fielding (FF, Senator for Victoria)



To paraphrase the much misquoted and absolutely unrelated to Goering line "Whenever I hear the word 'culture' I reach for my revolver", whenever I hear the words "family rights", I set my journalistic phasers to 'righteous fury'. There is no more insidiously suppressive force in Australian politics than the throw to family, nothing which can more quickly cut off debate or produce unwarranted media hysteria. And Stephen Fielding, Family First's sole federal Parliamentary representative, a man miraculously elected with 0.08% of the primary vote, basically sits at the epicentre of this de-rationalised whirlpool of ill-directed anger. Or would, if he only pontificated about "family issues", but of course beyond that he's just a generally ultra-conservative guy that often seems as if he's stumbled in from some of the further reaches of the American deep south. Which is handy because in the absence of a clear majority in the Senate, the Rudd Government needs Senator Fielding's support to pass, well, pretty much anything. There have been some... philosophical compromises made.

Notable positions: he wants X18+ porn banned under the Internet filter, compares homosexuality to incest, and linked divorce to global warming because it contributed to a "resource-inefficient lifestyle".

Most recent moment: Spouted creationist absurdities on ABC's Q and A whilst sharing a panel with Richard Dawkins, arguably the world's premiere and most intellectually intimidating atheist. The result is epically, epically uncomfortable. Thank God (although not literally) for Keyboard Cat.
 
Brant Webb [Special Mention]

Brant doesn't really belong on this list, being naught but an aspiring state Parliamentarian from Tasmania and Beaconsfield mine collapse survivor, but I thought I should probably include him simply because of the unalloyed awesomeness that is this campaign video. Sublime.