Ashton Kutcher as Sexy Steve Jobs is here to clean your pool - 10 Things

Look, we know that Apple geeks lionise Steve Jobs, and sure, he was a smart guy - he taught us that superior technology is only valuable once you learn how to market it into fetishability and deliberate obsolescence, which is why I now own three iPods of which one still works. But with the best will in the world, he wasn't exactly what you'd call "mad babin'" - until now. Ashton Kutcher, one of our generation's finest actors, is playing Steve Jobs (or, according to the above photo, possibly the young Jack Black) in the shitfully-titled jOBS, and judging by that undressing-you-with-his-eyes stare we assume it begins with a young, shirtless Jobs turning up at Steve Wozniak's house with a pizza containing "extra sausage". It's closing this year's Sundance film festival, so we should know whether it's this year's Boogie Nights soon enough. 

So, how did you celebrate yesterday? If it was by buying your phone a cake and then texting HPPY BRTHDY LOL EMOTICON SMILEY FACE then you're really doing unnecessary abbreviations, or you're my parents who seem to think that text messages are telegrams and they pay by the letter, with a surcharge for use of lower case. Anyway: it's been 20 years since the invention of the text message, that tool that has allowed everyone from timid breaker-uppers to drunk booty-callers to flourish in recent times - and for that we at TheVine say bravo. Remember back when phones were for talking to people? Pfft.

Oh, in related news, you do know that you're praying to Satan every time you use LOL, right? "LOL stands for 'Lucifer our Lord'" according to a new viral panic spreading among time-poor text-enthusiastic Christians. "Every time you use LOL you are endorsing Satan" it sanefully declares - and we'd be worried, except that the message itself uses LOL four times in half a dozen sentences, so it is itself obviously the work of the Devil - although this new revelation does also undercut the Biblical legitimacy of the controversial New Testament book, St Paul's Tweets to the Corinthians.

You know how there's all these jokes about the world ending on December 21 because of the end of the Mayan calendar? Well, two things about that: one, that certain sniffy academics will condescendingly tell you that actually, it's the 23rd because some days weren't taken into consideration; and two, it's not actually going to end. Seriously, everyone, world isn't ending this year. Not even a bit. And apparently this is a point that needs to be made because people all over the world are genuinely terrified about it, even making suicide plans so they don't have to go through the horror of Armageddon. NASA have set up an entire section of their website dedicated to explaining that it's not going to happen, such is the weight of enquiries (and it's really, really interesting, actually, if only to see how bullshit news stories written in the 80s can become suicidal panics in 2012). So, to reiterate: the world is not ending this year. We'll be fine. Until the permafrost melt starts feeding back on itself, that is: then we're genuinely screwed.

A few weeks ago we told you about the exciting future of 3D printing which meant that everyone would finally be able to make guns in their own home rather than have The Man tell them what they can and can't kill in cold blood. However, it seems like the glorious possibilities of Etsy-style terror and revenge may be further than we think: a test of a 3D printed AR-15 rifle ended after six shots (using lower calibre bullets than a store-bought weapon would use) when it, um, fell apart. Sorry kids: you're just going to have to use the black market like the rest of us.

The Reserve Bank cut interest rates again because… um, economics of some sort, and the government is now politely asking the banks to pass this rate cut on rather than profiteering off their customers. Most of the banks are currently looking in a different direction and whistling, coughing loudly every time every time the word "cut" is used, or saying "dickheadsayswhataboutinterestrates?" really fast. ING Direct have cut their rates by the full 0.25 points, Bank of Queensland have passed on 0.20, and The Big Four - Westpac, ANZ, NAB and Commonwealth - are in their vaults filled with gold coins, doing backstroke like Scrooge McDuck and spitting out your money in a comical fountain. "You're lucky we don't just double the rates for shits and giggles," a spokesperson so desperately wanted to say, "What would you insects even do about it? Nothing, that's what! Mwwwwahahahahaha!" while lightning cracked the very skies behind them.

In the UK the government have stopped asking and started telling: PM David Cameron has told the UK media that they have until Thursday to implement the recommendations of the Leveson Enquiry into Media Corruption - ALL of the recommendations - if they want to avoid having the government form their own non-voluntary regulatory body. "There is a firm belief that papers can deliver Leveson principles far more quickly without legislation – better for public and free speech," wrote Lloyd Embley, editor-in-chief of the Mirror, adding "so if we say we're doing this can we get on with looking through celebrity's laptops for pictures of their boobs?" before hastily deleting the last bit.

Speaking of free speech: God, why do you people have it in for Alan Jones? All he wants to do is bring a little joy into the lives of Australians at the expense of other Australians, and you go accusing him of being "racist" or "sexist" or "a goddamn moron spouting baseless bile and just making things up off the top of his stupid, stupid head". Why, it's almost like you can't use the airwaves to incite racial hatred any more - or so it would appear since he's failed in his attempt to have his case for racial vilification thrown out. After all, all the poor little lamb did was read a text message on air that said "This Sunday every Aussie in the Shire get down to Cronulla to support the Leb and wog bashing day", three days ahead of what became the Cronulla riots. Jones unsuccessfully argued that he'd been taken out of context of the rest of his show, which we assume had been nothing but even-handed pleas for everyone to work together for an inclusive Australia and included a heartfelt 20 minute a cappella rendition of 'Ebony and Ivory'. But we understand you, Jones. You're a freedom fighter. A warrior. A patriot. A pioneer. You're basically the Rosa Parks of bigots.

Today in Pointless Rivalry Between Sydney And Melbourne News, Sydney beat Melbourne by a single vote in Australian Traveller's Readers Choice Awards, taking out five awards to Melbourne's four and thereby proving it's totally the best city in Australia and that Smelbourne can totally suck it - and, as inevitably happens when some poll says one of the cities is better than the other for some arbitrary reason, the residents of Albury-Wodonga brace themselves for another day of sectarian violence about which side of the Murray is more awesome. Why can't we all just get along, choice-giving readers of Australian Traveller?

And finally, some advice to would-be criminals hoping to get away with robbery and car theft: don't post a video on YouTube in which you excitedly write about how you just pulled a robbery and car theft. In the video that will now form the cornerstone of the prosecution's case against her, "Jellee Beanie" - the now-incarcerated Hannah Sabata of Stromsburg, Nebraska - boasts that the robbery was the best day of her life and that the $6,256 she lifted will pay off her college loans - and if anyone doubts she's an intellectual heavyweight, she also shows off "a full bowl of weed in an ICP pipe" on camera. Also, she doesn't appear to understand how to set her camera so the vision isn't flipped. Anyway, nice job. 

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1 comments so far..

  • Eliot Prob's avatar
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    Eliot Prob
    Date and time
    Wednesday 05 Dec 2012 - 11:57 AM
    More amazing news in bit sized portions!
    This bit particularly killed me: "....the residents of Albury-Wodonga brace themselves for another day of sectarian violence ..."
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