Long before Julia Gillard made it cool to be a redhead once more (Christina Hendricks? Who's that?), it was the mighty Kerry O'Brien who held out hope for the ginger mopped amongst us. A man of poise, grace and piercing political insight. A man who could call a spade a spade and, if need be, also call it a fucking shovel. A true veteran of Australian newscasting. Indeed, looking back, I realise that Kerry O'Brien has been one of the major constants in my remembered life, alongside my family, David and Margaret, and my haunting fear of goats. So beardy.

But Kerry has been making a name for himself anew recently, after both Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott appeared on The 730 Report over the course of the last week. I mean, there's been tough times for both leaders, but The 730 Report is an opportunity to make things right, you know? A chance to explain your position to an understanding and helpful host like Kerry O'Brien.

Unless Kerry is in the mood to take you to a WORLD OF PAIN!

Which he quite obviously was.

Let's take a look:

Round One: Kevin vs Kerry

Bounding into The 730 Report on the back of polling figures suggesting that his party may well lose the next election and a budget that had, at best, produced a resounding "meh", K-Rudd was probably expecting a nice fireside chat when he stepped into the studio with Kerry last week. But of course, it was not to be. Within seconds Kerry the Red (named after his supposed political affiliations rather than his hair) was getting all up in Rudd's grill about the collapse of the Rudd brand and the failure of the Government to do anything about climate change. But Rudd wasn't going to take this lying down and soon you had a scorching exchange going, which later had the opposition declaring Rudd to have gone a little bit "Mark Latham".



Or not. I mean, Latham purportedly broke a taxi-driver's arm during a fare dispute. I'm not entirely sure Rudd is capable of breaking a sweat. For example, in the above clip, during one of his "rages" he accuses Kerry of not being able to understand because Kerry was in "730 Report Land". Ooooh, burn. Also, his dainty fist pounding at 6pm is indicative of a burning passion. I think.

In the face of a sequence of unpalatable policy backflips, perhaps this was an attempt to make our Prime Minister seem like a man of his convictions, but all it really did was to confirm that Kevin Rudd is to real anger what I am to Will Smith. And, I assure you, I am phenomenally white with an, at best, lacklustre hip-hop career. Seriously, it's like Rudd is learning how to emote from a manual, here transmitting anger and frustration with the deftness of your average school play. Although at least with your average school play you get to look forward to seeing Junior popping a cap in somebody's ass.



All in all, an underwhelming performance by Rudd that painted him less as a man thwarted by circumstance, than a man reading from a script entitled "How To Humanise Yourself For The Australian Public".

And Kerry? Well, let it never be said that Kerry O'Brien isn't an equal opportunity ass-kicker.

Kerry: 1 - Australian Politics: 0

...

Round Two - Abbott vs Kerry

Following on from the Budget, Rudd's 730 Report performance must have seemed like mana from heaven for the Opposition. He'd dithered, he'd prevaricated, he'd appeared false. Surely now all Abbott had to do was stride in there with his trademark bluster and outrage and we could all go home for the year, election over, etc, etc. Right?


Jesus. What in God's name just happened? I mean, whoa. The last six or so minutes of that video are as excruciatingly awkward as political TV gets. What was he thinking? Telling people they could only trust his "carefully prepared, scripted remarks" and not his "off the cuff" statements? Not a good look, Tony. And isn't Kerry just loving it? He's like a teacher telling off a kid who hasn't done their homework. When Kerry started laughing at the six minute mark I was filled with an overwhelming urge to give the man a hug. It's like watching a parent tell their child that they're "not angry, just disappointed".

And doesn't Abbott wilt under the assault like some kind of... wilted... spinach? Ugh. Who writes this crap. Oh... that's right. Me.

Sigh.

But it really is quite incredible to see how much Abbott struggles under the pressure: stuttered and circuitous sentences, awkward, almost pleading half-smiles, long pauses and then a final throw to "I'm doing my best", which as a way of getting closure on the performance, seems to be an attempt to channel everyone's favourite former Governer of Alaska. He's human, after all. I mean, who of you could have withstood the righteous fury of Kerry? Well, yes, Tony, you may be doing your best, but you're also a man in the running to be leader of a not insignificant world nation. A little more capacity to deal with the vicissitudes of political life is perhaps to be expected from one of your station.

Either that, or perhaps you'd do well in America.

Kerry: 2 - Australian Politics: 0

...

So, not a great week for the leaders of our major parties then. In consecutive interviews, one comes across as an unfeeling robot, the other as loosely incompetent. All in all, this could make for some interesting election debates. And/or a generally dispiriting election.

But, on the other hand, Kerry still comes across as awesome, so, at least we'll always have that.