All I Want for Chrismukah
Who's saying what
This is a Christmas gift guide for fashion-loving floozies based entirely on stuff I want. However I’m a Jewish orphan so the likelihood of my receiving any of it on December 25 is somewhere between zero and less than zero on the likelihood scale. Feel sorry for me, dammit!
1. Moleskine - 2012 Hardcover Daily Diary
Every year around this time I buy my diary/organiser for the following year and excitedly set about filling in important events. It’s one of my favourite rituals, next to facials and foreplay. This year I want this day-to-a-page mini moleskin because it is pink and pink is for girls.
2. Tom Ford lipstick
It is my personal belief that Andre Leon Tally should rule the world, and Tom Ford should redecorate it. His lipsticks are the colours of sex and happiness and I am so obsessed with his ‘Black Orchid’ fragrance that I spray it on just to lie on the couch in my pyjamas.
3. Christopher Kane aqua gel-filled PVC clutch
Remember when you were a kid and pencil cases were heaps rad? Well, these clutches are kind of like heaps rad pencil cases but for grown ups with too much disposable income. WANT!
4. Ryan Gosling
If I wake up Christmas morning and Ryan Gosling is under my tree (not a metaphor [ok kind of a metaphor]) I will start believing in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, God and Alive Elvis.
5. Crystal Head Vodka by Dan Aykroyd
This is premium vodka made by a company co-founded by Dan Akroyd, and packaged in a skull-shaped crystal bottle. I have never wanted anything so bad in my vodka-drinking, skull-collecting, Ghostbusters-loving life.
6. Suno charity sneakers
Suno is one of my favourite “up and coming” labels, both for their killer prints and their commitment to fostering employment and empowerment in African communities. By purchasing a pair of these divine sneakers, you are not only helping to sustain jobs in the Kenyan village in which they are made, but a portion of all proceeds go to the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, a Kenyan orphanage for baby elephants and rhinos. FUCK YEAH BABY ELEPHANTS AND RHINOS!
7. Eddie Borgo tassled spider necklace
When it comes to jewellery, I believe the more likely to take someone’s eye out the better. This explains my extensive collection of large, spiky rings and heavy necklaces. This particular Eddie Borgo necklace is just like another Eddie Borgo necklace I own but mine doesn’t have a green tassle and that gives me first world sadness.
8. Linda Farrow Luxe cat eye-frame snakeskin sunglasses
It is impossible to look bad while wearing a pair of Linda Farrow sunglasses. FACT.
9. Chanel: An intimate life by Lisa Chaney
Combining three of my favourite things – biographies, fashion, and biographies about people in fashion – I long to read this by the pool and drink vodka from a crystal skull while Ryan Gosling brushes my hair. I’ll settle for reading it in bed alone though.
10. Vintage perfume atomizer
My grandmother used perfume atomisers and she was a lady, so I have decided that if I start using perfume atomisers I will become a lady too. I should probably also stop swearing and start wearing a girdle. Baby steps.