A Christmas gift guide for the absolutely normal girl in your life

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This gift guide was brought to you by Clinique.

Christmas is soon and my birthday is tomorrow (thank you all in advance for the well wishes!) so if any of you love me, and were thinking of showing your affections in a more physical manner, I’ve made both of our lives a little easier and put together some preliminary suggestions to help all parties attain what they desire this silly season. (Me: gifts, You: my eternal gratitude).

Just a small disclaimer before we dive headfirst into the carefully curated product selection – if you were thinking of buying me a funny*/ novel/ don’t-you-get-the-joke gift, please save your cash and my time. Pranks, souvenirs and whatever other arbitrary junk you picked up at Reverse Garbage is not welcome here. Steer clear of ‘sentimental’ gifts as well, please, (to clarify: no rocks, soft toys, and pieces of charred dinosaur bone marrow from your Broome trip in year five) because, well, they are useless. Well-meaning (see: cheap) gifts will quite frankly become just another unwanted addition to the world’s burgeoning land-fill epidemic.

Now that the formalities are out the way, here are 10 things I won’t deplore if they end up on my lap this month. If your girl – or any of the girls in your life, for that matter – happens to be a puppy-loving, FM-listening, E! Channel-watching human being (a.k.a. is normal) most, if not all, of these gifts will go far from astray. Here’s to thinking inside the box, and in case you are in doubt, it really is true that diamonds (and vodka) are (the average) girl’s best friend. Happy wrapping, bitches.

*stupid.

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Balenciaga Florabotanica perfume

Given that Balenciaga products (or knock-offs – TheVine is a judgement free zone) strike that perfect balance between directional fashion and mainstream-enough-for-everyone-to-know-how-good-you-are-for-wearing, a bottle of Florabotanica perfume will truly be the gift that keeps on giving. The Kristen Stewart endorsed (let’s be real here, who doesn’t want to be indie’s latest darling) scent is an aromatic blend of floral, woody and green tones able to harness non-gendered admiration, adoration and appreciation. Actually, I already have a bottle of the good stuff but am not averse to receiving another. And another.

Prada Lips-Applique Clutch

Now, these are out of stock everywhere (trust me, my search has been so relentless ASIO’s most experienced computer engineers would be impressed by my google prowess) so if you manage to find a bona fide Prada (a good fake in this scenario will also be humbly accepted) Lips-Applique Clutch, and I say this with no traces of sarcasm, I will love you forever. The white version (as seen on the Man Repeller) is preferable, but this is not a scenario where any of us can afford to be fussy.

Charlotte Olympia’s Baboushka embroidered leather clutch 

This leather-stitched beauty is a covetable accessory that – BOOM! – still has ample stock left on my favourite website, net-a-porter (I’ll get to that in a minute). The Russian doll inspired handbag is perfect for chronic black-wearers, appeals to my Eastern-European heritage and incorporates all the colours my healer said will stimulate my de-centred ying energy. Let’s fight the good fight together.

A Net-A-Porter gift voucher

Just don’t be cheap, Ok. We both want me to have those Isabel Marant booties, YSL waist belt and that Michael Kors back-in-stock tote, right?

A diamond so big people will think I bought it from Diva

It’s not relevant, really, whether it’s of the ring, necklace or bracelet variety. Just as long as a rock, in some form, makes its way onto my body, and is so obnoxiously large that people will assume that it can only be fake. The only kind of diamonds your girl wants – and if she says otherwise, she’s lying – are of the offensive variety. Offensively large.

Molton Brown anything 

The London cosmetics house produces shower and bath products so deliciously decadent that any old shower is instantly turned into a first class lounge bathroom/ a Michelin star restaurant sink / that 5 star hotel you were put up in when your flight home from Thailand was cancelled. This December, let your love relive the beautiful excess via Molton’s gels, skin care products or, my personal favourite, the leave-in conditioner. Divine.

A massage  

In Kanye and Jay-Z’s decisive ‘Clique’ track – you know, the one where Yeezy raps about how his girl got famous – they make the point that a “Spa Day” never goes unappreciated. And they’re right. Recently I hit up an endota spa in rural Victoria with my entire posse, and, after treating ourselves to massages, facials and a couple of hours of all-round indulgence, we were significantly happier than we were before. A boring suggestion, perhaps, but R&R is a predictable gift for a reason – it works.

Diptyque Holiday Candle Coffret

Diptyque scented candles are actually the best things ever because they are so god damn expensive no rational human being (and that’s our target market here) will ever buy them for themselves. This holiday season drop some cash money on the unashamedly exorbitant candles and, if you’re shopping for your girlfriend, reap the benefits alongside some mood music and vino.

An animal related charity thing

Fact: girls love animals – often more so than people – and, equally so, love to feel like upstanding moral members of society. Make a donation to the RSPCA, or buy them something where the proceeds go to the WWF, so they feel good about all that money you dropped on them. This is you saying – in your best Ryan Gosling voice – ‘Hey Girl, I know you’re a good person.’ Of course, this component should only be a supplementary gift, and will go fantastically alongside any of the aforementioned suggestions.

The Black + Blum Box Appétit Lunch Box

Most normal girls have normal jobs and like normal girl foods like salads and sandwiches (two slices of weight management soy linseed bread only per day, thanks) and, at all costs, will avoid eating from their corporate cafe in grave fear of oil poisoning/ leaving work with their carb/ protein balance out of whack. Help a sister out with the swaggerific Box Appétit lunch box, which, as per shopnaturally.com.au “feels more like a ceramic bowl than standard food containers” with “a compartment for separating food, a sauce pot and a durable fork / knife included, it's the most versatile and revolutionary lunch box on the market.” You hear that, gift givers?! Revolutionary!

Some images in the gallery and the lead image via Shutterstock, others via each respective brand.