Owww my eyes is my opportunity to constructively criticise and provide creative solutions for the wardrobe mishaps that happen to people wearing bad clothes overseas. Overseas, because that means they are unlikely to be able to find me* and stab me in the eye. But Miss Universe Australia has just had a frock party. So how could I let these frock travesties go un-reported?

To start, these two at the top. Why the flip did you bother wearing anything? The scraps of fabric you have chosen hide nothing. You could have saved some dollars by wearing nothing, instead of next to nothing. It's the GFC afterall. You have made it very, very obvious that you are mad hot, but an element of mystique and allure would add to your ample charms.

It is a shame TheVine girls didn't get invited to this shindig. We could have got our mad side boobs out like the girl in the silver spangle number. It's hard to know where to look when the belly ring is coordinated with the nip covers.

Definitely more covered up, and therefore more alluring and mystical, by my own argument, is the chap in the white satin jacket. Except my argument fails because he is covered by a satin jacket. A white one. No allure there.

In the list of things that make you not want to be Miss Universe Australia, the silver and red dress with pink and red headpiece must come pretty close to the top. That and not being allowed to eat. The girl is probably as smart as a Twigley, but with that nonsense on her scone, how the heck is she supposed to think about world peace and helping the starving orphan unicorns?

Cheryl Cole was probably sad to have missed the Miss Universe event, but she was a world away, and celebrating her 26th birthday. She is fit and is married to an athlete. How the hell do I know whether or not she's fit and who the hell do I think I am? First, I can see right through her see-through fringed dress and second your worst nightmare if you're in polyester satin at a Miss Universe event.

*I live in trpoical north Queensland where everyone dresses perfectly and the sun shines all year round.