Unless you work in retail (in which case, you’re probably living a life of unadulterated hell) the working year is winding up. The light at the end of the tunnel that is Christmas, and Christmas ham, and sweet summery freedom, is inching ever closer. Maybe you’re getting into the festive spirit by decking your house out in fairy lights that flash along to the
Pirates of the Carribean theme song. Maybe you’re on the hunt for a gift that will elicit a response even half as joyous as
this. If your biggest social season concern is mistletoe-related, and you’d like to minimise the walk of shame pain the morning after (we’ve all been there, but just in case you need reminding:
Harvey Nichols’ latest video), then do your best to avoid the following ten looks.
Jean Shrimpton
During the swinging sixties Jean Shrimpton, aka “The Shrimp”, was a pretty big deal. She was the most highly paid model in the world in 1965, the year she controversially wore a slightly above-the-knee shift dress to The Melbourne Cup. Needless to say, onlookers at Flemington racecourse were less than impressed by her apparent immodesty, and probably called her some sort of old word for slut, like “strumpet” or “harlot” (or maybe that was just in Shakespearean times). Rising hemlines rarely raise eyebrows these days, but that’s not to say that covering up has lost its virtue. Learn from Lady Gaga’s mistake: if you’re going to go micro mini, wear a Supre belt as a skirt, or have a massive slit up the front of your frock, make sure you’ve got undies on.
Princess Beatrice
Given she’s a redhead, it was a brave decision on Princess Beatrice’s part to wear a dusty pink Valentino Couture outfit to
the wedding event of the year (although in our humble opinion,
Dazed and Confused’s Katie Shillingford in Gareth Pugh raised the bar for mind-blowing bridal). But braver still, and according to many commentators, inappropriate, was her choice of headwear — an architectural creation by milliner Phillip Treacy. The hat in question has since been auctioned on eBay raising £81,000 for children's charities, which isn’t bad for a £1,000 piece that has been derided, variously, as an octopus, a pair of antlers, a pretzel and a toilet seat.
Prince Harry
Beatrice isn’t the only royal offender. In 2005, Beatrice’s cousin was photographed at a fancy dress party wearing a swastika, only to appear the next day on the front page of British tabloid
The Sun emblazoned with the headline ‘Harry the Nazi’. As third in line to the British throne, there was a general expectation that Harry might have opted for something… slightly less incendiary. A public apology was issued, and the prince has since been playing it safe, sticking to smart suits and the horse-riding/polo-playing equivalent of jeggings.
Bjork
Bjork’s entire wardrobe is awesomely inappropriate. Even the comparatively demure ensemble she wore to the 2000 Golden Globes, the year she was nominated for Best Actress in
Dancer in the Dark, is, upon closer inspection, wonderfully weird: Michael Jackson’s face is rendered in sequins on her skirt; her purse is an owl on a string; and to top it all off, she’s thrown on a tube of polar bear that was possibly (probably) skinned in her native Iceland. No discussion of Bjork’s style is complete without mentioning the Marjan Pejoski designed swan dress she wore, complete with sparkly body suit, to the 2001 Academy Awards. She even dropped eggs in her trail along the red carpet — amazing!
Heidi Klum
Heidi Klum is notorious for going all-out at costume parties. This year, at her annual Halloween bash, she dressed as a fleshy corpse, and was wheeled in on an autopsy table by two blood-spattered doctors. To another event she wore an equally impressive and inappropriate outfit, which was described by
The Cut as “a combination of tabloid legend Bat Boy and a
Game of Thrones wildling.”
Nicki Minaj
Self-proclaimed Barbie Nicki Minaj sat next to Anna Wintour at two shows at New York Fashion Week, the result being a number of hilarious, widely disseminated photos. We didn’t think the notoriously icy Vogue editor would warm to the eccentric rapper and her Day-glo style, but it turns out it was Wintour who invited Minaj along in the first place. “We match!" wrote Wintour, apparently referring to the fact that they both wore patterned attire to the Caroline Herrena show. A Wintour endorsement is a pretty big deal, though we don’t know that Anna would’ve approved of Minaj’s Janet Jackson-like wardrobe malfunction on August 5. While performing on ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ dressed in a neon-pink vinyl jacket and barely-there tank, Minaj’s nipple made an unexpected cameo.
Paulini Curuenavuli
Remember Paulini? She was a contestant on
Australian Idol back in 2003, and a gold Charlie Brown dress she wore on one episode of the show fell prey to Ian “Dicko” Dickson’s scathing remarks. Paulini was told, with some controversy, to “choose more appropriate clothes or shed some pounds” (although we kind of wish Dicko had actually said “Apply for a job as a casino curtain” — one of the multiple choice answers to an
Australian Idol quiz we found somewhere on the internets). We’re not exactly sure if Dicko was in any position to be dispensing fashion advice, but his words of wisdom seem to contradict the rules laid down by Anna Dello Russo. Number 3 of her latest installment, over on her
blog reads (sic):
“Choose a GOLD:
You will emphasize the idea
to be a Christmas GIFT to be unwrapped.”
Jerry Seinfeld
In a now infamous episode of
Seinfeld, Jerry unwittingly agrees to wear a pirate inspired top designed by Kramer’s low-speaking girlfriend. He christens it, with little affection, “the puffy shirt”. One of the most memorable — and puffy — props in television history, the billowy blouse now lives at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, alongside such showbiz icons as Dorothy's ruby slippers from
The Wizard of Oz and
Sesame Street's Kermit the Frog.
Edwina Monsoon and Patsy Stone
Absolutely Fabulous is all crass, no class. The show’s two protagonists, Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone, wear nothing but obscenely expensive, logo-festooned fashion. We’re talking techno-fabric jumper dresses and LV monogrammed everything. Edwina’s penchant for spandex and fluro personifies the phrase “mutton dressed up as lamb”.
Bridget Jones
You know that scene in
Bridget Jones Diary where Renee Zellweger shows up to a party wearing a Playboy bunny costume? It’s probably the most famous misplaced fashion moment in filmic history. The theme of said party was “Tarts and Vicars”, but upon arrival Jones discovers that none of the other guests are in fancy dress. That’s save for her dad, who sits forlornly on a toadstool in the garden, dressed as a vicar.