The Ten Things Every Model Has Said in an Interview

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Models, hey? Can’t live with ‘em, can’t fit into their pants. I for one welcome our beautiful, hungry overlords but I would also like to feed them all sandwiches dipped in deep fried lard.

As a sartorial tragic and avid consumer of fashion media I have read countless interviews with the professional posers and am always amazed that their answers rarely change. Sure, this can partly be attributed to the fact that the questions being asked rarely change, but I have nonetheless come to the conclusion that all models are actually the same person. I’m not sure how this is possible – I suspect it’s the work of either a shape shifter or evil wizard – but the proof is in the (non-fat, sugar-free, half-serve) pudding. Let’s examine the evidence.

“I was really ugly/awkward/dorky/unpopular in high school.”
Poor you. I had the body of a 45 year-old mother four and Michael Bolton’s hair, and I’m still not paid to be beautiful. I win.

“If I wasn’t modelling I’d be a marine biologist.”
I don’t know what it is with hot girls and dolphins, but marine biology is apparently the backup career du jour for the professionally pretty.

“My main beauty tips are get lots of sleep and drink plenty of water.”
Wait a minute! I sleep more than a teenage stoner and I practically imbibe the ocean every day. I can be model now?

“Right now I’m reading Anna Karenina.”
Apparently there is only one book in the International Library for Really, Really Incredibly Good Looking People. But, hey, at least it’s a good one.

“I eat what I want and I never exercise. I practically live on burgers.”
 Me too! Twinsies?

“Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream.”
I don’t know if old lady Arden is paying every model in the world to spruik the stuff, or if it really is like crack for your face, but I have seldom read a model feature that didn’t mention the allegedly magical wonder cream.

“I lost all the baby weight from breastfeeding.”
Honey boo boo child, unless by “breastfeeding” you mean, “exercising like a maniac”, no, you didn’t.  

“Modelling is not as glamorous as people think. It’s really hard work.”
I am not going to argue with this. I completely respect that there is a lot more to modelling than walking in a straight line and standing still, and that it can be a tiring and emotionally straining profession. But, then there’s palliative care.

“I’m currently listening to Neil Young and whichever indie band my boyfriend plays drums in.”
I too love Neil Young! And my fake boyfriend, Fabrizio Moretti is also a drummer! Man I should totally have been a model.

“I’m a massive homebody. I’m not into the “scene”. I just like to stay at home, cook for my friends and knit.”
I’m sure that lots of models are indeed as hermit-prone as I am (which is A LOT), but some of them must be lying or else there would be no scene to not be into.  

The End. I need a burger.