As the year draws to a close and the festive season approaches, employees across the country – nay, the world – are no doubt abuzz with excitement about their annual workplace Christmas parties. Or, more appropriately, their annual workplace non-denominational (but probably still very Christmassy) booze fests. Venues will be booked, alcohol ordered, and photocopiers serviced on the off-chance people still like to Xerox their naked bottoms in this here digital age.
As a freelance writer I work alone, from home, and more often than not without pants. Therefore unless I take myself to a bar, get myself drunk, and make out with myself in the bathrooms, the closest I will get to an office party this year is watching The Office Christmas Specials. But don’t cry for me, I’ve attended my fair share of end of year parties over the years.
The best was the time I went as a welder because the party was “Hollywood” themed and I wanted to pay homage to Flashdance without wearing a leotard or off the shoulder sweater. It was an eventful night, during which I told Larry Emdur I loved him (twice) and broke my toe. Welder’s masks are damn hard to see out of.
At other Christmas parties it has been alleged I have made out with a colleague, showed a boob, and demanded everyone call me “The Boss”. So I may not be the best person to offer advice on this matter. But then again I always wore underwear so here we go!
Do: Wear underwear.
This is less a staff party rule and more a general life rule. Who do you think you are, Pantsless McNo-Undies?
Don’t: Wear anything of the “Christmas novelty” variety.
Santa hats and elf ears are not cute on a passed out drunk girl in a cocktail dress. Also not cute: being a passed out drunk girl in a cocktail dress. If you challenge either of these notions your colleagues will take photos of you and put them on Facebook with hilarious tags such as “Nadine getting into the Christmas spirits LOL” and “All Nadine wants for Christmas is her skirt back”.
Do: Choose your footwear carefully.
Make sure you wear shoes you can walk in, and that are comfortable enough to stand in for many hours. Also, unless you work in fashion and/or get about in them all the time, you may want to save the towering stilettos for another occasion. Otherwise you risk being asked why you’re wearing stripper heels by EVERY STRAIGHT MAN IN YOUR WORKPLACE.
Don’t: Wear white.
No matter how sober or careful you are, if you wear white to a party (ANY PARTY) some drunken klutz of a moron will spill red wine on you. It’s the law.
Do: Wear something unexpected.
If your job requires you to get about in a plain suit or uniform, surprise everyone and put on a party dress and some dancing shoes. However if your job requires you to get about in a party dress and dancing shoes (lucky you!) you can still wear a party dress and dancing shoes, it’s okay. I’m not the boss of you.
Don’t: Dress like a stripper, unless you are in fact a stripper.
Go ahead with your bad self and show a bit of leg or breast, it’s a party! But unless your colleagues are either Gynaecologists or Boobaecologists (just go with me), keep it PG-rated, or M15+ at the very most.
Do: Dress in theme if you are attending a themed party.
You may think you’re being cool and anti-establishment by going sans costume. But then why are you even going? As soon as you get there you will feel like an asshole and wish you’d dressed up. Even boring Judy from Accounts dressed up!
Don’t: Wear a welder’s mask.
Not even if you want to pay homage to Flashdance without wearing a leotard or off the shoulder sweater. You will break your toe and spend the entire night sitting in a corner with ice on your foot. You will also probably lose said welder’s mask and be forced to pay $300 to the costume hire place you rented it from.
In summary I recommend dressing for your end of year office party as you would dress for a nice dinner with your long-term boyfriend, unless your long-term boyfriend is Snoop Dogg.