Because everyday I am confronted with what I can only assume are women attempting to dress like Kate Moss, I’ve now been forced to sit down and state the obvious. Really, this should all be common sense, but apparently people need to be told, HONEY YOU AIN’T GOT THAT KATE MOSS SWAG, ERRRRRRRRRRRR TRY AGAIN! Here are the reasons why you should not (attempt to) dress like Kate Moss:
Kate Moss is richer than you
Of course boho chic looks good on Kate; her outfit cost SEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS. That’s more money than you’ll probably ever see in your lifetime, so don’t even feel bad about it. The worst part is that your high street rip off looks cheap - trend based clothes mass produced with poor quality fabrics and shoddy craftsmanship often do. Cheap clothes will always be cheap clothes and while I’m a huge proponent of the high street, I stick to one, very solid rule: no seasonal trend clothes. Go for classics like jeans, shirts and t-shirts that won't stand out like a sore thumb wearing a tiered polyester gypsy dress in paisley print.
Kate Moss is more privileged than you
Say you do spend a month’s rent on those leather over-the-knee pirate boots that used to be cool (for the life of me I don’t know why you would, I don’t even know why Kate Moss wears them). Three weeks later when they’re no longer in vogue and Kate has chucked hers in the Salvos bin in lieu of sparkly stilettos or a bob hair cut, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO? Not only can you not afford rent, you’re now the proud owner of the world’s most hideous shoes that you’re morally obliged to wear because you paid the equivalent of the debt of a small African country on them. Congratulations, you’re a financially crippled fashion victim. What’s more is everyone knows, and they’re looking at you walking down the street in your now tacky, sinfully exorbitant shame boots.
Kate Moss has cooler friends than you
Kate goes out and stands next to people who all have ridiculously fashionable clothes on. And even if they all look like complete jack-asses in their ostrich feather skirts and sequin tops, they have each other, and collectively, they’re awesome. I’m guessing as much as you love your friends and as amazing as they probably are, they’re probably wearing sensible shoes and jeans to the pub on Friday night, or at their most ostentatious a printed dress with some bright accessories. You wearing your sun glasses at night to the Grace isn’t going to make you look like a supermodel, it’s going to make you look like a tit. And FYI, for the love of God, never call anything fabulous.
Kate Moss is skinnier than you
I don’t care how skinny you are—Kate Moss is skinner. The kind of moron that says things like “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” is ALWAYS going to be skinner than you. AND THAT’S OK. You don’t want to be as skinny as Kate Moss. You would be hungry and cold and there would probably be wolves after you. Be happy, eat food and enjoy it. So what if poorly thought out trends look good on coat hangers; you should be wearing clothes that look good on bodies, namely yours. Not Kate’s. Yours.
Kate Moss is has more credibility in fashion than you
This is the clincher. At the end of the day you can do whatever the fuck you like — I’m not the boss of you and to be honest I’m mostly too busy trying not to spill coffee on myself or getting the morning’s toothpaste out of my hair to judge you when you walk past me in the street. But also at the same end of the day, Kate Moss could shit in a hat and people would call it high fashion. PEOPLE STARTED WEARING UGG BOOTS WHEN KATE MOSS DID. HAVE YOU SEEN UGG BOOTS? Don’t mess with the professionals, kid. You wouldn’t mock up your own Picasso and try to hang it in the gallery, even if you do sometimes look at the original and think “I could do that.”