When I was in high school, 50,000 years ago, the uniform was a hideous poo-brown tunic or skirt worn over a white shirt with brown tights and brown shoes. Sometime throughout my schooling long brown pants were finally given the green light, but only after years of campaigning to the all-powerful ‘Old Girls Union’ that ruled the public girls’ school with iron fists and archaic notions of femininity. One fight we never won with the bitter old bitties however was the right to remove the ridiculous hip flaps that adorned our turdy tunics. The gratuitous rectangles of added fabric that hung from our uniforms at hipbone height were intended to keep the hornbags at the boys’ school across the street from seeing our shapely adolescent forms and trying to tongue kiss us. It didn’t work. Der.
Anyhoodle, yesterday I was reminiscing with a friend about said superfluous hip flaps and it got me thinking about unnecessary clothing adornments, and weird fashion items in general. Below are some of my all time favourites. One item on the list - the shoes! - is my favourite because I actually like it and desperately covet it; and the other nine items are my favourite because they are crazy batshit nuts and there is no way I would ever wear them unless I suddenly go crazy batshit nuts and/or turn into Lady Gaga.
Speaking of Her Royal Gaganess…
1. MEAT DRESS!
IT’S A DRESS MADE OF MEAT! A DRESS! MADE OF MEAT!
I blame teenagers. And cows.
2. FEET CAPES!
The capes are detachable! DETACHABLE FEET CAPES!
3. SHOULDER WINGS!
And you thought that dress/belt combo couldn’t get any uglier.
4. BELT PANTS!
Coveted by disciplinarian dads the world over.
5. BAG JACKETS!
Jackets that are bags that are jackets that are jackets that are bags…Fooling would-be pickpockets wherever they are worn.
6. NAIL GLOVES!
For the busy dominatrix who just can’t get to the nail salon.
7. BRACELET BAG! Alternatively HANDCUFF BAG!
Favoured by troubled young Hollywood starlets who are always ready for whatever life/the justice system throws at them.
8. PANDA SNEAKERS!
THE PANDAS ARE WEARING HEADBANDS! THE PANDAS ARE WEARING HEADBANDS!
9. GLOVE HAT!
Oh, Philip Treacy. How I long to pat you on the head and whisper German phrases into your ear.
And finally, because I couldn’t leave them off the list no matter how much they make my heart hurt and my eyes water…
10. G-STRING JEANS!
There are no words.
