I recently wrote a heavily debated column on female pop stars’ ridiculous penchant for using underwear as stagewear. I highlighted Beyoncé’s latest video at the time, and used her as my prime example of this unfortunate trend. Needless to say, TheVine’s straight and feminist readerships were really unhappy with my views… I guess the prospect of a fully dressed Beyoncé didn’t go down well with the salivating cave men and the lesbians. (Wonder what would have happened if I’d included Pink in the story as well. Eek.)

So, heterosexual males and angry hoodie-wearing females, you’ll be happy to hear that today I’m going to praise Beyoncé. (No, don’t go away everyone else! I’m still going to be sarcy and bitchy, I promise.) Because Beyoncé didn’t show a speck of skin at the VMAs, and neither did Gaga. Even Britney wore a real dress! I’m not sure if this is actually good news for my above-mentioned fan club, or if the VMAs were just one big sexual let-down for you guys, but it certainly gave Beyoncé and the ladies a few points in my books.

Beyoncé arrived in a full-length Lanvin dress, and performed in a sparkly Dior tuxedo. It was all very Liza Minnelli, which is compliment I don’t just dish out every other day. Gaga performed as her male alter ego, Jo Calderone, in a Dior Homme jacket and – amazingly – Brooks Brothers trousers. And although La Spears insisted on sporting her trademark thigh-length silhouette, it was at least an amazing Moschino number, and to be honest, that length is long for Britney so I’m not going to be a bitch about it.

What I will, nevertheless, be a bitch about is Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj. I was asked why I left them out of my last story, and it wasn’t even intentional… it’s just because I devote most of my brain capacity and spare time to pretending they don’t exist. So allow me to make up for the neglect: what the fuck were those girls wearing at the VMAs? There was no trace of a red line in their outfits, not a sign of any symbolism, meaning, or concept. Wrapping your bodies and heads in a bunch of random crap won’t turn you into Lady Gaga.

So as I was watching Perry and Minaj making total fools of themselves in their fancy dress (while I was desperately trying to come up with a Nicki Minaj song… don’t think I’ve ever heard one), I realised that underwear as stagewear isn’t my only enemy. Weird random crap costumes are, too! Perhaps those girls should stop dressing like clowns and start putting some energy into their work. On a night where three much bigger stars than them – Britney, Beyoncé and Gaga – dressed down (and covered up all at once), it was interesting to see the nonentities dressed for the circus.