Christmas time is almost upon us, and it’s the time of year when we can all reflect and try to become better people, like the icons we revere and cherish. Most importantly though, Christmas is a time to receive presents, nah, kidding, that’s not the most important thing about Christmas (except that it definitely is). I have taken some time to think about how I have lived this year, and how I can see the year out in the best fashion possible, which, inevitably led me to the timeless question: What Would Beyonce Do?
Beyonce Would Cook In Her Knickers
Look, I’ve thought about this long and hard and I may or may not have cracked a lady boner, but it’s an unavoidable truth that Beyonce would be all up in that kitchen in her underpants cooking for her honey at Christmas. And I’m not talking Bonds nanna knickers either – not Bey, girl is in her tallest stilettos, sheet thigh highs, suspenders and lavish bra and panties. She has probably even got a little ruffled apron around her waist and a Santa hat on. There’s that lady boner again.
Get A Fashionable Pet
Forget stupid mini dogs in bags, Beyonce has the most fashionable pet ever: Kanye West. If you can get your pet to wear next season Celine then you’ve succeeded at Beyonce, but if not, don’t sweat it, but do put shades on your puppy. Just sayin’.
Be Pregnant (Or At Least Pretend To Be Pregnant)
This year Beyonce made pregnancy chic again, so either get yourself knocked up (not that I’m suggesting you irresponsibly bring a child into the world just to be more like Beyonce), or get yourself a prosthetic. If you’re going to go with a prosthetic you’ll need some kind of face shimmer powder to give yourself that pregnant lady glow.
Wear The Tallest Heels In The World (Pregnancy Is Not A Excuse For Flats)
Bitch please. Beyonce even dances in heels while pregnant, the least you can do is walk in them. And do not take them off. Carrying your heels and going barefoot at the end of the evening is not something you’re ever going to see Beyonce doing.
Be Photographed With Only Good Looking, Stylish, Talented Siblings
Chances are your sibling isn’t as cool as Solange, but if he/she is, then milk it. Take your cool sibling with you everywhere – you can use this to get cred in whatever fashion circle your sibling rolls in. It is also super nice to spend time with your family at Christmas (but not if they’re uncool).
Wear Your Hair Big (And Carry A Fan)
In the Beyonce Bible, no hair is too big. Get yourself an awesome weave if you have to, just be sure to go H.A.M. It can be short, long, curly or straight just make sure it will eclipse the whole sun on Christmas day, anything smaller is a failure. You must also carry a fan along with you at all times, and I don’t mean a tiny handheld one. You’ll need a giant industrial sized fan so that your hair is constantly billowing around you really sexily. You can probably get your less cool sibling to carry it around for you.
Invite Your Fashionable Friends
Holla at me, Obama family! Can I get a “Gwyn and Chris Martin in da houseeeeee!” OK your friends aren’t this cool, but don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s all relative. Grab your most gorgeous, popular, fashionable friends and go for coffees in the trendiest neighborhoods where you’re sure to be seen looking absolutely amazing, and everyone will be jealous. Double points if your cool friends also happen to be really nice, fun people (don’t the Obamas look nice and fun to you?).