The Dos and Don’ts for Dudes at the Races

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As the sun shines brighter and Bondi bursts with Brits, it’s time for some people to watch dudes on horseback race across a field because apparently that’s a thing some people like to do.

Women cop a lot of flack for their behaviour and attire at the races, and some of it deservingly so. But I feel like most of the time our races-going brothers get off too easy for their part in the social and sartorial crime spree that is Spring Carnival.

While writing this I asked a friend of mine, let’s call him Alvin*, if he could think of any Dos and/or Don’ts for fellas at the races. He couldn’t, but he did tell me the following story, which I felt needed to be shared here.

Alvin: “I went to the races once. I got really drunk, got into the corporate area, got even drunker, danced with a girl, fell over and squashed her. I then left. I don’t go out much anymore.”

Cool story, Alvin.

Anyway, below are some pointers of how to and how not to go about being a dude at the races. And don’t worry, many dudes were consulted in the writing of this column.

The DOs

DO wear a nice suit. With a nice shirt, and a nice tie. Nice ties don’t have Simpsons characters on them, for the record.

DO wear sunscreen. You know what’s not hot? Sunburn on a drunk dude who’s been at the races all day. You know what’s also not hot? A drunk dude who’s been at the races all day.

DO be a gentleman. If your girlfriend/friend/wife/random hookup falls over because she’s had a bit too much champagne, don’t just point at laugh at her, point and laugh at her and then help her up.  

DO be an enthusiastic yet gracious winner. Screaming “YOU BEAUTY” and then shouting your mates a round of beer is good. Screaming “YOU BEAUTY” and then shouting “IN YOUR FACE” repeatedly for ten minutes is bad.

DO drink responsibly and in moderation. Or at least try not to lose your house keys.

DO compliment your lady friends on their choice of headwear, no matter how stupid and/or ugly that headwear may be. And believe me, their headwear may be very stupid and/or ugly.

The Don’ts

DON’T make fun of the jockeys. Sure they’re short dudes in funny clothes who ride horses for a living but WHAT HAVE YOU DONE LATELY?

DON’T take tips from strangers in the urinal. FUCK YEAH DOUBLE ENTENDRE!

DON’T be this guy:

DON’T be a sore loser. Nobody likes a sore loser. Nobody.

DON’T wear your sunglasses inside. You won’t look like a rockstar, you’ll look like a douchelord.

DON’T be a douchelord. Just don’t be a douchelord.

*Names have been changed to protect Alvin.